So the very thought of this is incredibly disheartening. I was supposed to be going through all the labor pains and then experiencing a joy like I have never felt. Our little boy or girl being born to us and staying in our arms and hearts for the rest of our lives. We should be looking forward to a bizillion pictures, never sleeping again, having baby stuff all over our home, waking up for feedings every couple of hours, feeling a closeness with my child as they look up at me or grasp my finger. I should be crying about everything and just turning to mush when I see our baby in Todd's arms.This little onesie should be filled with my baby's little feet, tiny toes, sweet belly, sweet arms.
But now, my arms are still empty. My heart still longs for our precious Gabriel. I know that our baby is in heaven with God, and we don't have to worry about him or her being sad or hurting. And even though my heart has been healing, it won't fully be the same.
I have changed this blog several times in the past couple of days because I didn't know how to express my feelings. My feelings are inexpressible. But yesterday, when we were at church, the Lord reminded me through our pastor, that everything God has given us, or ever will give us, is His. Why this hit me like a ton of bricks, I don't know. Except that maybe I needed that reminder. Psalm 24:1-6
"The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it on the seas and established it on the waters. Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god. They will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God their Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, God of Jacob."
So if everything is God's - that means my marriage, my job, my income, my home, my family, and sweet Gabriel...all God's. Gabriel was God's to begin with...always was. I felt like Gabriel was mine finally, and I held him or her too tightly. Remember the story of Abraham, and how God asked him to sacrifice his only son (that he waited and waited and waited for), and with unwavering faith, Abraham was obedient. He almost did it, and then because God saw his faithfulness, He provided another solution. And honestly, maybe that was His plan all along...to see if Abraham was more devoted to God than anyone or anything else. I look at that story, and I say "Lord, there is no way I would have done that. No way!" And while I don't believe God took Gabriel from us because we weren't devoted to Him, I do believe I am learning something incredible. Would I give up my whole life, my family, my friends, my work, my dreams, etc. all for God? Would I? I would love to say yes, but I know that isn't true. I think God has shown me He wants complete devotion and complete trust. Even if that means, you don't get your dreams. Even if that means you have to give back what you longed for. He gave me a dream come true back in November of 2008 when I married my love. And how much of that time of worrying over having a baby, did I lose when I stopped appreciating what I do have? And at any moment, any of us can go. As my pastor has said numerous times, "we need to hold loosely in our hands what we have because it is all God's anyway." And if it is God's, then anything I have is on loan. He can ask for any of that back whenever He wants. But He also expects that I take good care of what I have been given. And even if He takes as that song says "You give and take away...my heart will truly say, Lord Blessed be your Name," will I still be standing with Him? Am I more devoted to God than anything or anyone else? When the chips fall, will I curse God (like Job's wife wanted him to do), or will I be faithful (like Job)?
Gabriel is God's child, and there could never be a better caregiver than the Lord! I still miss him or her and wish we were together, but there is comfort in knowing that Gabriel is in perfect hands. We are doing better...Todd and I are doing much better than we were just 9 months ago. But, this month is only a reminder of what we are missing out on. So pray for us. And pray that our time away this weekend is special and everything we need. And please pray for our future. Please join us in prayer for this journey. We continue to go through fertility treatments and continue to hope and try. The Lord will provide at His will and His timing, but the journey can still be really difficult. So please pray for comfort and peace and the strength and wisdom we need through it.
And if you are grumbling because you are going through the aches and
pains of pregnancy, say a prayer of thanks because there are many, many
women (and I have met them) who would do anything to have those aches
and pains.
And Lord willing, there will be a day that I can share on here and on Facebook that we are expecting again! In fact, the Lord has told us through others that it will happen, but again, I think I need to hold loosely that dream. I need to be more devoted to God than I am the dream of having a child here on this earth with us. So pray for us and don't forget about us. Just because we may not mention it, doesn't mean we aren't feeling it. We covet your prayers, and we are thankful for your friendship and love.
Our promise from God!
