just at the mere thought of you
and I find myself feeling as I did
wanting to curse the world
wanting to hide in a hole
How do I go from being happy
to wanting nothing to do with the world
in what seems like seconds
Why must I bear this hurt,
this pain that won't go away
It is easier to not think about you
live in denial
because if I allow myself to think
I remember that day I knew you were there
and then I remember the day you weren't
It's almost been a year
and our world has been flipped upside down
We know someday we will see you
we know someday we can hold you and hug you
but that someday isn't now
I've always been impatient
never liking to wait
but when our day came
I thought the waiting was over
And trust me when I say
that even though we long to hold
and love another child here on this earth
you will never be replaced
our love for you will never be erased
You are and will always be our first
and if we ever get to hold a child in our arms
and call them our son or daughter
you will always be their sibling
you will always be their angel in heaven too
And I know I don't know much about heaven
or what you are doing
but there are days I hold on to that bear
that helped me through the nights of endless crying
and I imagine you
I wonder if you have blonde hair
or if you will have freckles like me
will you be tall, will you have blue eyes
do you like to sing, do you love to dance
What's it like to be in heaven
or see all the angels
what is the laugh of Jesus like
and have you seen his nail-scarred hands
Did He ever talk about your daddy and me
and how much we have loved you
that even though we didn't know about you for very long
our love was pure and unconditional
Will you be there at the pearly gates
waiting for us to arrive
will I know it is you and hug you instantly
or will Jesus give you to me
I am better,
But I have fallen apart numerous times
To say that you ever get over a loss
is just a foolish thing to think
Because yes, my sweet one
the tears still come
and they come in an instant
but at least I know where you are
and no tears are found there
