So I have been putting off for the past year taking the P.E. Exam again since I didn't pass it the first time...and it has been sitting in my mind for a little while. For those who don't know what the P.E. Exam is - it's this exam you take after you pass the first exam (Engineer in Training). Once you pass the P.E., you are part of this exclusive club of maybe 5% of all engineers. Essentially, you take on more risk as an engineer because you are able to sign off on design projects that go out, and if something goes wrong, then the blame comes to you. Scary stuff in my opinion, but you also don't have to sign off on any project if you don't feel you should. So, you could become this P.E. and never sign off on a project. But anyways, I took the E.I.T four times before passing it. It was my biggest challenge, and God was the one that helped me pass it. I know it!
You see, ever since I graduated with my engineering degree, I almost feel like a fraud. Even working in the environmental engineering field, I still feel like a fraud. I am not sure how I even got my degree, let alone have been successful at my job. When I lost my job in New Jersey, I was certain that I was found out - that I was found out at being the worst engineer in the world who somehow skated by. And when my supervisor at the time told me I wouldn't make it in an engineering firm, I almost believed him...but then me being stubborn, I didn't like someone telling me I wouldn't make it. That seemed too final and he wasn't God, so how dare he tell me something like that.
So now in a week, I celebrate 6 years at my company here in Dayton. 6 years!!! That is quite the accomplishment in my book. Not only have I lasted there 6 years, I am being asked to be a part of a lot of cool projects and opportunities. But I still fear...I still fear that they are going to see that I am fraud. I don't feel like an engineer. I don't feel like I am smart or have the capability to be a professional engineer. Reason I say that is I know it was God all along who helped me. I KNOW I didn't become an engineer on my own. I KNOW that I didn't pass the E.I.T exam on my own. I KNOW that I wouldn't have stayed at my company for 6 years all on my own. I know all of this. But for some reason, I have allowed my negativity about taking the P.E. for second time dissuade any hope of passing....and I am not sure I really care if I do.
Yet there is that part of me that feels just like I did when my former supervisor told me I wouldn't make it....why can't I pass this exam? If God was the one who helped me through my degree, and if He was the one who helped me stay at a company that is really quite awesome for 6 years, and if He was the one who helped me with the E.I.T....why couldn't He help me on this? And I think the issue is my negativity...I think I have all these negative feelings about what I am capable of, that it makes me think it isn't possible. But why? I really have no reason, other than my own feelings about myself and my intelligence. I feel like so many other people comprehend things better than me...I feel like the dummy who got a degree in engineering...and it scares me. I am scared weekly that someone is going to see I am not good on my own.
But then the words of a verse came to me...."'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most glady I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
See if I know that God helped me through all those other times in my life, He can do it again. I alone was weak, and I alone didn't have the capability, but with Christ, WOW! Look what He has done! His power was resting on me when He made it possible for me graduated with a chemical engineering degree...His power was resting on me when He made it possible for me pass the E.I.T. exam....His power was and continues to rest on me as I have worked for 6 years at my company...and every week, His power rests upon me to do things I couldn't even imagine I could do. So with this P.E. exam, I need to realize, that when I work with God...when I give it to Him and give Him the reigns (but I do the work to do it because God doesn't want us to be slackers), His power will rest upon me to pass the P.E. exam. I am weak alone, but with God...I am so strong!
So here's to 8 months of studying really hard and putting forth my best effort...and then me and God will go in that study room of a hundred engineers and WE will take that exam together. And see, with the God of the universe on my side, I don't need to be afraid! <3
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