I wish....

To my friends and family - I wish....


1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn’t mean [Gabriel] doesn’t deserve your recognition.


2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried,  you didn’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.


3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven’t forgotten [Gabriel] and that you do care and understand.


4. I wish you wouldn’t think that I don’t want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about [Gabriel].


5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.


6. I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it’s not all like that.


7. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.


8. I wish you wouldn’t judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.


9. I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m “over it” or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no “normal” way for me to act.


10. I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn’t mean I’m contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.


11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.


12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasnt’t really a baby and that [Gabriel] was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. My baby was real person – and [Gabriel] was alive.


13. My babies due date [February 15, 2013], Mothers Day, celebration times, the day I lost [Gabriel] are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.


14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “”normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.


15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace [Gabriel]. Babies aren’t interchangeable.


16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.


17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one. [I noticed after it had been 2 weeks since it happened, everyone avoided talking to me. Yeah I know, life goes on, but just because life has gone on, doesn't mean that I am "all better." A simple note of encouragement would let me know I am not forgotten.]


18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.


19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying. [And it still hurts, even if that were true!]


20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?


-Author Unknown

Gabriel

I will never forget the day, the day I knew you were inside me

My hands were shaking when I saw the positive test

Seeing a difference in the test that I wasn’t used to seeing

I remember feeling so excited and nervous all at the same time

I wanted to tell your Daddy immediately, as he was sleeping

But then I wanted to tell him in a very special way too

So I went to the store, driving in a daze

I was ecstatic and I wanted to shout to the mountain tops

I instantly remember talking to you

I remembered praising God, and just feeling so in love

So in love with you little one

I walked around the store for what seemed forever

Trying to figure out the perfect way to tell your Daddy

I found a bib, and sweet little ducky pajamas

I already pictured you in those pajamas

I also found the perfect card to tell your Daddy

That we were finally having our beautiful baby

I even told the lady at the cash register

Because I had to tell someone

She didn’t know me, and that was okay

I was already proud to be having you, sweet one

Now it was time to tell your Daddy

He was sleeping, as it was his day off

I put the bib, pajamas, and card in a bag

And waited what seemed forever to let him sleep longer

But it was only 10 minutes, so I just couldn’t hold it anymore

I kissed your Daddy awake, and he sleepily woke up

I put the bag on his chest, and he looked at me so confused

I remember him asking me “what is this for?”

I smiled and told him that I was just so thankful for him

And that I wanted to give him something special for being so great

Still confused, he pulled out the bib and pajamas

Being that I woke him up, he was still groggy

So a minute passed as he is looking at the things

And then all of sudden, he said “What?!”

He just kept saying over and over “What?!”

It was so cute to see your Daddy so surprised

But boy were we on cloud nine that day

We wanted to tell everyone, but decided we should wait until my appointment

I remember us daydreaming all day about you

Thinking about all the things we would do with you

And I was relishing the heartburn and sick stomach I was feeling

As I had been feeling that way for a while, but didn’t know why

My sweet one, I can’t explain how thrilled we were

The tears of joy that were on our face

The excitement and nervousness of finally becoming a parent

And realizing that every single thing I ate

I would now evaluate because I had you to think about

Your Daddy was giddy, but also nervous

We knew this would take a lot of responsibility on our parts

But after praying for you for so long, we didn’t care

We wanted you

You were always wanted

I wanted to put together a crib with penguin stuff all over

Because I knew my child would love penguins

I knew my child would love stuffed animals

Once I knew if you were a boy or girl

I would have the colors of ice blue or purple

I was excited about the idea of seeing you on a sonogram too

I couldn’t wait to see this little life inside me

After being told last year I had PCOS, I wasn’t sure if this day would come

But I really believed you were our little miracle

And you are still…just not the way I thought

I started bleeding, and I was told not to worry

But I was already acting like a mother and worrying about you

I prayed that God would protect you

Well we both did. Your Daddy was already pretty protective of you

But that weekend, we believed you were okay

Then Monday came, and things were not getting any better

In fact, I was only feeling worse

So I went to the doctor earlier than planned

Going into the ultrasound, they couldn’t see you

They said it was either too early, or a failed pregnancy

I was still hopeful that you were still there

And that they just couldn’t see you yet

We planned on another ultrasound later in the week

And I still believed God was taking care of you

Because it wasn’t too bad yet

Tuesday morning came, and that is when I knew

I knew you left us to be with Jesus

I sat and cried and cried and cried

I didn’t want to let you go yet

We weren’t ready to say goodbye

Telling your grandma about you in this way wasn’t what I wanted

I wanted to tell everyone together that all our dreams were coming true

But having to call your grandma to tell her that you were here

But that you went to be with Jesus

Oh the heartache

Knowing you were gone when I had just gotten used to thinking of you there

I am having a hard time dealing with this grief

Both your Daddy and I struggle with this

We wonder why God even allowed us to get pregnant with you

If He was going to take you so quickly

I still don’t have the answer, two weeks later

I still cry at night, I cry in the morning, I just cry

Going to work when I miss you is the worst

I feel guilty if I smile or laugh

I feel like you deserve the best memorial possible

It feels unfair that others get to have their babies

While you, my darling baby, are up in heaven

I know you are in a better place

I know Jesus has you

I know you are in the best place possible

But I still want you here

I want to sing to you as you fall asleep

I want to see your expressions

Watch you pick up Cheerios with your hands

And giggle when we tickle you

I am so sad I have to miss out on that

I am sad that if your Daddy and I have other children

That your brother and sister won’t know you

I am sad that in February 2013, you won’t be in our arms

I am sad

But my dear, Gabriel

We wanted to name you even though we don’t know

If you are a girl or boy

It never mattered to us though

We love you no matter what you are

So Daddy found the name Gabriel

And do you know what your name means?

It means “strength of God”

Perfect name if you ask me for our little angel

I wonder right now if you have met Gabriel from the Bible

I don’t know if you know what we look like

I’d like to think that Jesus has told you about us

That He has held you and showed you a picture of your Mommy and Daddy to you

If not, I wonder if He would share these words with you

I just want you to know, we do love you

We miss you and always will

Even if God blesses us with more children

No one will take your place, sweet Gabriel

You were and always will be our first child

And when people ask if we have kids,

We will say “Yes, we have one in heaven right now.”

My darling angel, I will write you periodically

If nothing more than to deal with my grief

As I am not sure if you will ever see these words

But I know Jesus will tell you how much we love you

And that’s the most important thing I want you to know

So my darling, I look forward to seeing you

Going through this grief, I want to come Home sooner

I want to be in heaven with you right now

And see your sweet face

See the little piece of me and piece of Daddy

Oh how much we love you

No words will ever express how much we miss you, sweet angel

You were so loved in those few short days (even before)

And I am taking it one day at a time

I am holding tight to Jesus right now so I can see you both

So hold a place for me and Daddy

I love you!