This year has comprised of more car repairs, losing friendships and family that I never wanted to lose, dealing with crazy neighbors at our old apartment, crazy work schedules, and the list goes on...and all of that never compared to the loss of our precious miracle, Gabriel. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him/her. For the entire month of July I was a mess...heck, I was a mess well into August and September. I didn't know how to function, and it was truly ONLY God that helped me get through that pit of despair. I had sweet letters from people at my church, email messages from several friends, some support from family and friends...but in the end...no one could heal this pain. I went for months thinking that God had it out for me. That He took my blessing away because of something I did.
When it had only been one month since I lost Gabriel, I had people expecting me to get "over it." But how do you get over a pain like that? How do you get over a loss in a month? As someone who has never lost anyone that I was really really close to, I didn't know how to deal with the hurt/sadness. I spent a lot of time being angry at God. I never stopped talking to Him, but He heard it ALL from me. And when something bad happened at work or we had to have another car repair, or I heard more about problems in the world, I would get ticked and look up to the heavens and say "Seriously?! What is your deal?"
I had people worried that I was going to walk away from God or tell me that I shouldn't get mad at God. I had people pretend they cared, and I had people who I didn't even know express their sorrow for me. But in the end - God and I still talked. I was allowed to be upset and I was allowed to have my tantrum/anger/etc because in reality - God knew I needed to use that to grieve. He knew I wasn't leaving Him. He knew that I knew I needed Him. And I had/have no intention of ever walking away. But the people who kept saying "don't question God" or "don't get mad at Him" didn't understand that if I hadn't let it all out, I would have turned into a recluse. I might not even have a job now if I did those very things they said because I had to be real with Him. See - Jesus is my Savior and I love Him more than my very life. He saved me a long time ago from the perils of sin. I know someday that I get to spend eternity with Him, and I have no doubt about it. He saved me. But just like any friendship/relationship - you tend to lash out at the people you love the most. And if I hadn't questioned what happened and if I hadn't yelled at Him, maybe I wouldn't be as healthy as I am now. I am not diminishing who God is when I say this...believe me, I have apologized for taking it all out on Him and for treating Him like a punching bag. But I truly believe He understood and He knew my heart. He's an amazing and BIG GOD! He can and He did handle it.
I gotta say - the biggest thing I am thankful for this year - is my God! Because when everyone was telling me to get over it, to move forward, to do this or that...He held me. I am thankful for my God because He didn't even need me to ask for comfort. He provided me comfort. He provided me His arms to cry in. He allowed me to be who I am. And He knew that it was going to be hard to go back to church and even back into His Word. He knew that I would need peace and help, and He provided it when I didn't expect it. He provided a verse to me back in January as a promise....
Early January, I received this email (you can think it is random or you can believe like me, that this was from God): "Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son." Genesis 18:14, NLT
And then two weeks after my dear Gabriel went to heaven, Mama Jo (our dear family friend) gave me the gift below and said that she saw these penguins and thought of me. She also believed she heard the Holy Spirit tell her "This is a promise for Todd and Sarah."
I get goosebumps at that very thought. Maybe you think this is all coincidence, but I don't. I believe God gave me a verse to hold onto through the hardest and darkest time in my life. I believe He spoke through a woman that I love dearly to keep my hope of having children. I believe my kids have a set time that God will bring them into the world. I believe that God hasn't forgotten me, and I believe He will answer. Maybe it won't be as I expect...but instead of wallowing in pity and sadness, I need to keep the hope. And if the Lord never gives us these children, that doesn't change the fact, that He is still God. It doesn't change the fact that God is Holy and knows what is best.
I have hope still...and I didn't believe I could have hope again. I thought that all my hopes were thrown away. Do I know the why? No. But, if there is any comfort...I know God is there. Maybe God has used this horrible event in my life to help me see how much I do need Him. And I do. And I see now how much I do love Him. I hurt still, and I am not perfect at how I handle things...no, I still get envious, I still feel sadness, and I still throw tantrums. But, I know I am closer to God than ever before. I know that I don't have to "play Christian" with Him. I know that I can be real. I know that He holds me and won't let go. I know that if I leave Him, it was because of me. I know that when I return, He will still be there. I know that God saved me from all the sins I ever committed and ever will commit. I know that when bad stuff happens that this isn't all there is in life. I know that I have heaven to look forward to. I know that when I die, I get to see His face, I get to see all of the people who have died before me, I get to hold my sweet Gabriel in my arms and hug him/her for the first time. So much to look forward to! So yeah - this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for God. It's not a generic thankfulness for Him. It took a lot of pain, sadness, and renewal to get this kind of thankfulness.
Another thought - So, are we blessed because we get what we want? I don't think so. I think when people think they are blessed only when they get what they want, they miss the point. I think blessings from God come in all shapes and sizes and are not limited to our view on the blessing. I still feel like I am blessed (though it has taken some time to get there) even if I don't have my Gabriel here. I believe God is taking the heartache and molding me into a woman He will/is using. I believe God is blessing me in many ways...even without children. So if you a person that wants something, but God hasn't given you that "thing," "person," etc yet, don't think you are not being blessed by God. Maybe His blessing on you is that you don't have that right now...maybe His blessing is right in the moment you are in. Maybe He is using you where you are for some greater purpose. So if you have everything you ever wanted, then yes - be thankful!
But if you are still waiting for something, don't sit down and grumble. Get up - and let God use you where you are at! Then when/if God brings you that goal/dream/etc - think of how much more you will appreciate it or how much more victorious that day will feel! :) Some people get everything handed to them, but in my 32 years of life, I have found that the people who have worked harder/struggled and attained some dream/goal even in the midst of hard times, those people have such a greater appreciation for their life, their families, and that goal they worked so hard for.
So until that day - Sarah Marie Taber is believing in God...believing in hope...and thankful for where I am at this moment.
God has blessed me with the most amazing husband ever!! We have only gotten closer these past 4 years of marriage (and 17 years being the best of friends), and I am incredibly thankful for him!
He blessed me with two very special, loving, and incredible parents! (This was taken at our wedding). I so love them and they will never ever know how much they mean to me! They taught me so much in this life, and even if I hated to admit it, they were right most of the time ;) But I do love them so much!
He blessed me with an incredible sister, almost 24 years ago! I am thankful for her each day! She is also a pride and joy of my heart! We have only gotten closer, and she is also my best friend! And that dear man sitting next her is my soon-to-be brother! They complement each other so very well, and I couldn't be prouder to have him as my brother! They got engaged this year, and I am so glad they will be starting their own life together real soon!
God has also blessed me with friends. I have made some new friends this year, and I have a few close ones from high school and college. Thank you for being there, thank you for your prayers, and thank you for your love. You were there when I needed you the most!
So as rough as this year has been (and it has), I have MUCH to be thankful for. But none of this - NONE of this could have been without my God! And I am more and more thankful for the love of God each day!
So this Thanksgiving, hold tight to your families....hold tight to hope....hold tight to God!! Because nothing else matters!
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