So I was really disappointed in photos of me from my sister's wedding, even though I had been working out and trying to eat healthier at least two months prior to the wedding. But then I saw those photos, and I admit - I was just sad. It broke my heart to see what I allowed myself to become. Not to give excuses though - but PCOS and fertility drugs haven't helped matters either. I know that some of the weight gain has been related to my PCOS and fertility drugs I have been on. But, a lot of it, and I mean a lot of it, has been due to my depression and just all around feeling bad about myself.
You see, since I can remember, I have always had a low self-esteem. I never felt like I was very pretty, and I never saw others viewing me as being pretty. Maybe they did, but I just never felt like I was going to be the "pretty" one. It's not a good attitude to have by any means, but that's how I have felt. I was teased a lot in school and called all sorts of names. Even as a kid, I was called "cow" or "hog," but when I look at the photos of me back then, I don't think I was fat by any means. And yes - that kind of stuff happened to everyone. But, I think whenever we moved to a new place, I had to find some way to feel accepted. And when I was made fun of, it didn't help matters. So instead of having my confidence built up, most of the time, I heard those things and just assumed it was true.
I never thought a boy would ever think I was pretty. I remember thinking that as a young pre-teen and teenager. And then when we moved to Ohio, I remember praying that maybe God would allow some boy to think I was pretty. Even then - I didn't see my value the way that God sees me. I saw it through what others saw about me. But God brought Todd Taber in my life, and that boy showed me that I had a lot more going on than just my physical appearance. He told me I was beautiful, but he always tried to build me up and show me the things about me that were more beautful, and that was my heart. Being in cross country also gave me confidence - I was in prime shape, but I still saw myself as this fat girl, even when I was the skinniest I've ever been. I look at the photos of me from back then, and I am in awe that I even had those opinions about myself. I looked nice, and yet I couldn't see it even then.
I think I got to a point after trying various diets, that I got tired of doing it. I got tired of trying to "feel pretty." I knew from God's Word that a person's worth is more than their appearance, and while I still would work out and would try different diets, I found myself liking who I was, more than how I looked. I think that's how it should be for sure. When I was close to God, I found myself liking myself more. When I lived in New Jersey, it was just me out there. So I had no choice, but find a way to like myself and do things for me. When I moved back to Ohio, and Todd and I started dating again, he was always encouraging me and making me feel good about myself then too. When we got married, I knew my husband loved me for who I was, and no matter what I looked like. Maybe I let that get out of control, I don't know. But when I found out that I had PCOS, I thought really bad things about me. Like maybe I did this to myself. Or maybe I am not worth enough to have a child. And then when we lost our baby in July 2012, depression set in. I lost a lot of confidence. I saw myself as ugly again, I saw myself as obviously an "unfit" mother because I couldn't even keep my own child alive (All wrong things to think - I know this now). I even struggled with thoughts that I don't dare share on here and no one even knows, except God and Todd. But to sum up - I was in bad shape.
And though Todd never stopped loving me or never stopped telling me I was beautiful, I didn't listen to him anymore. I didn't listen to God's opinion. No one. I lost all that confidence, and I found myself just sinking lower and lower. Food was comfort, and there were many times the words that came to my mouth to Todd after work (many days) were "Honey, I had a bad day. Can we go get something..." And that something was never anything of health or value. And after I was done eating it, I still felt bad, and a little worse because I knew it wasn't good for me.
When I knew Jen's wedding was coming up, I really didn't want to look bad in pictures. I started to work toward losing some weight and doing a little bit of exercise each week about 2 months prior. Then Todd thought it would be fun if we went walking every night or most nights together, and that it would be a good way to exercise and spend quality time together. I loved it. I loved that he looked forward to our walks together too. And we had decided in early June to also NOT eat out every week and stop spending money on fast food, restaurant food, etc and cook more at home. The past 3 months have been great. We cook dinner together (or if I am cooking, he will also clean up dishes), we go on walks together, and I really think all around, our communications with each other has gotten better. It's true what they say - when you start getting disciplined in one area of your life, then the other areas start to do the same! I found myself having more energy, wanting to exercise, craving healthier meals, and also looking forward to feeling and looking better. I also found that our marriage was really getting spark back into it, and that I wanted to spend more time with God.
I read something recently that was on Pinterest - it was this inpirational pin that said "If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it." And I think a lightbulb went off again and I was starting to see me as God sees me. If God thinks I am beautiful, maybe I should start living that way. He never stopped loving me...not once. He gave me a husband that continues to tell me I am beautiful through all the good and bad times. He has given me strength and the desire to keep going as well. And as much as I appreciate others rooting me on, what I appreciate most is that 1.) My God doesn't look at me and see the "fat cow" I've been calling myself lately - no instead He sees me. He sees me as His beautiful princess and loves me more than anyone could ever love me. And yes He wants me healthy too, but He knows I need to hear more that He adores me and loves me right where I am. 2.) I appreciate that my husband has NEVER given any innuendo that I was ugly or gaining weight or anything of the sort. He knows my self esteem has been low, and instead, he only built me up. I do believe that Todd saw I wanted to change things, and he came up with the idea to not only exercise together, but spend quality time together too.
I love that I am starting to notice a difference in how I look too. I am seeing the differences, and I am feeling better. I know my self esteem will only get better as I continue on this journey, and I hope that getting healthier will also lead to another child that I can actually go to term with and raise. I so want to be a mommy of a child here on this earth. I so want it, and I think I want it more now than I did 3 years ago. So getting healthy will only help. But, I also want this more for me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to see me as God sees me. I want to grow closer to my husband and see me how he sees me too.
So my self-esteem is quite fragile, but I am leaning more on Jesus to help me with it, and He keeps whispering to me He loves me and gives me the strength I need to keep going.
Speaking of exercise...I think it's time to get going on that for the day! :)
