July 2nd - 2 years later

 

It's been two years. Two. It's a bittersweet day today. I know, I know - I can tell some of you may wonder how I can even think about what happened two years ago when I have my miracle baby (Caleb) here with me now.

But you see - it never goes away. The sadness of losing a child is always with you. Yes, my child never breathed air outside of my womb, but he or she did live for a brief period of time inside me. And I know that many people wouldn't even call that baby a life. But Gabriel lives - he or she just lives in heaven now.

Why do you think I put all of those weekly updates with Caleb on my Facebook page? To emphasize the significance of each weekly milestone of life. Each week, there was something new happening with that little baby that grew and grew and now he is here with us. And while Gabriel only lived a few short weeks, he or she still lived! I imagine that Gabriel was only the size of a seed, but he or she still lived. And now Gabriel is thriving and enjoying perfect paradise in heaven.

And today I honor that little one. I honor Gabriel. Here is the video I put together in honor of him or her back in 2012.

I also honor and I am thankful for the precious answer to prayer and healing that God gave us when He gave us Caleb. I think of all that God did to help us through that time. I think of that song "The Hurt and the Healer" by Casting Crowns when I think of this time in our lives. He really did meet us at our lowest point and heal the pain.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqBMNSuDf7g

He heard our cries and it wasn't in vain. Because now - sitting on our lap is our boy Caleb. He cries, he eats, he sleeps, he coos, he screams, etc. We wanted that with Gabriel, but for whatever reason, Gabriel is in heaven instead.

But now - now we get to hold and love and snuggle with the sweetest baby boy! I am less sad than I was, but I will never forget. I hold Gabriel close to my heart today and everyday because he or she was our first child and always will be. And someday - someday we will all be a family together.

So to my Gabriel - We love you and honor you today. We know you are in a better place and we know you are in perfect hands. We will see you someday and I can't wait to hold you in my arms! And someday you will get to hug your little brother too! :)