Welcome 2019!

Happy New Year (Almost!)

I haven't blogged in quite a while, but I update on Alexandria all the time on Facebook and Instagram. I can't believe where we were just this time last year. I was pregnant with Alexandria and full of concerns because of my blood pressure concerns and the "specialists" were saying she was "small" for her gestation. And little did I know that in just a month and a week after the New Year, I would be delivering my baby girl at 30 weeks! Wow...what a year! What a year!

So much about this year was heart-wrenching, terrorizing to my heart and soul, and just damn hard! But, I got to watch a miracle in the making! I got to watch God touch my little girl as she overcame obstacle after obstacle! She is still overcoming obstacles, and her feisty and fiery personality really shine through! She is also a very content, and quite happy baby! Only time she isn't happy is if we take too long to get her food! Haha! Or if she is teething, and the pain is really bad. But otherwise, this girl is just happy! And I am thankful to God for helping her grow from a 2 lb 9.6 ounce baby girl fighting for her life to a baby girl that is 17+ pounds! When I see the rolls in her legs, God gets an instantaneous "Praise God" for giving her that opportunity to get rolls! She is the bright spot in every single day! Seriously!

Just look at where she was! She was soooo tiny, and now look at her! 

And I got to watch my son truly become the BEST BIG BROTHER ever! I have never seen a kid take on the big brother role so well! He has his moments of jealousy for sure, but he absolutely adores his sister! He didn't need convincing that he was going to be the best big brother, he already knew he would do whatever he could to protect his sister, and just truly love her! He loves to make her laugh. he loves to hold her. He loves to tickle her! He loves to help in any way with her! Caleb has grown up SOOO much this year. We watched him start the year as a 3 year old little boy and grew up like crazy to this 4 1/2 year old big boy that is doing amazing at pre-K and loves to learn! He is still his Mama's boy as there is nothing like him putting his arms around me to hug me and tell me I am gorgeous! Or that he loves me so much! Or how he grabs my hand just to hold it and snuggle up to me! I am beyond proud of my boy! He is so smart, funny, and sweet! He continues to amaze me each day!

I love how much he loves her! 

I can't believe how big he is getting! 

And this year, Todd and I celebrated 10 years of marriage! That's no small feat, especially in a world where most people give up. Believe me, you don't go through 10 years of marriage and not have problems. And there were many problems. We started our marriage thinking we were awesome, and we celebrated 10 years knowing it was God that got us through the past 10 years and will continue to help us through the next 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, etc. We also had some amazing times. Our children are truly some of the best gifts we could ever receive! Especially after enduring infertility issues and the loss of our first child.  We endured through accidents, loss, family struggles, financial issues, job loss, family tragedies, scary hospital visits, and a baby in the NICU. But through it all, God provided and helped us through it. And Todd and I became tighter and stronger through it as well. The things we went through were the kind of things that broke apart many couples. We aren't special because we are still together...if anything, we are just thankful that we said from Day 1 that when we didn't have strength, we weren't in this marriage as just the two of us. We had Jesus as our foundation. So all the credit goes to Jesus for helping us. Plus, we are truly comfortable with each other. We have history that we don't ever want to throw away. He is truly my best friend! He may piss me off, and many times, he has pissed me off more than any one else! But, I'm thankful that there is no "walking on glass" with this man! We know each other. We know what makes the other person angry. We know the issues. We know the good and the bad. And that's a beautiful thing. I truly do hope and pray that these next years are full of love and life in our marriage. That we enjoy this next year more together, and that life only gets better! I hope that the passion we have truly becomes alive this year too! I truly do look forward to growing old with this man...I want us to be that old couple in the rocking chairs on a summer day holding hands and looking back on our life and thankful. Thankful for all we have, thankful for all our memories, and thankful for all of God's blessings to us.

My absolute, best friend! God gave me him! 

Oh we still have passion for sure! Love him so much!

Now that we are complete as a family (as complete as you can be with one baby in heaven), we are looking forward to the next chapters ahead of us. No more newborns (which, in a way is sad) but we have school days ahead, lunches to pack, field trips to accompany, dates with my husband, vacations as a family, etc. I hope that 2019 is less stressful to say the least. I have seen with my own eyes what God can do. So, I hope even when bad crap happens, I handle it better. Maybe even just trust God from the start, instead of fretting. Because in the end, God does have it. I hope that I can raise my kids to fret less than I ever did. I pray I can help them see that walking with God is way better than a life without Him.

I hope I also give myself more grace than I have. I want to be a better mom, but I also don't want to put myself down when I do mess up. I can be really hard on myself.  I'd like to be better for Caleb and Alexandria. I hope that this year, I invest myself more in my kids and play more and become imaginative and do all I should for them. I hope that I give Caleb the attention he needs and show him how important he is to me! I hope that I show Alexandria that she means the world to me as well, and that I see life through her eyes more! I hope that this year I just argue less with my husband, and just love him. That I really show him love and how much he means to me. That he feels the appreciation and joy I have when he is around! I pray that in 2019, I just become a better version of myself - one that seeks God in everything, and that enjoy my family whole heartedly! That I yell less! That I kiss and hug my kids and husband more! That I say "I love you" more! I also pray that in my work life, that I rise to the occasion and really work hard and do my absolute best when I am there. But then when I am done for the day, that I leave it at the office. That I enjoy and truly love on and appreciate my parents, Jen, Wes, etc more! That they know without any doubt how much I love them! I pray that I can be a healthier version of myself, and lose that baby weight and other weight that PPD/PTSD contributed to. I pray that I can run and play with my kids and forget about Facebook/social media/news and just spend time in the moments! That each month, we make memories and have fun doing it! Life isn't always fun, but I don't want to look back and say "Oh there was nothing good we did that month." I want to make each month in 2019 full of bright times and special memories.

I am not making resolutions per se, but I do want to do these things. I want to be better! I want to be better for my family! I want to be better for my job! And I want to be closer to Jesus!

So here's to 2019!

Interviewing Our Preschooler - Caleb Isaac

Since Caleb is starting Pre-K next week, I thought it would be fun to interview him on his likes/dislikes, etc. as a memory to look back on.

1. What is your name? Caleb Isaac Taber
2. How old are you? 4
3. Where do you live? Dayton
4. What is your favorite color? Blue! But my other favorite colors are green and yellow, and purple, and red. (side note: I mentioned that Daddy also loves blue, and he said that no one else can have that as a favorite color - LOL) 😁
5. What is your favorite thing to play? Construction site or my trains
6. What is your favorite food? Chicken, no I mean, pizza
7. What is your favorite ice cream? Cookie dough
8. Who is your best friend? Jonah
9. What do you want to do when you grow up/get bigger? I want to go to work in the city! I will drive to Cincinnati and work in the city and make big buildings! (He knows Mommy drives to Cincinnati periodically for work, so that is where that must have come from - LOL!) 😃
10. What is your teacher's name? Miss Wendy 

So there you have it...I couldn't ask any more as he was tired of me asking questions and told me "No more!" LOL! 

Caleb - You're Four!

Well, Caleb, you are officially 4 years old now! I can't even fathom that we have had you in our lives for so long, and yet I can't imagine a world that doesn't include your beautiful smile, your piercing eyes, and a laughter that is so infectious!

You have had such a busy year! You really started learning how to fish with Gramma and G-Pa at their pond, and with the practice fishing pole you have at home, you learned pretty fast how to cast. You have such a good arm! You started to swim more, as we were hoping to get you into the pool to start helping you learn basics. I hope this next year, we can actually get you some lessons. You still love to go on walks, and you truly do love the park. You tackled fears of going up the rock wall at the park and will now climb it. We have had so many fun dates, you and I, and you still love Hobby Lobby. But then, you love to wrestle with your Daddy, and make up silly stories about how there is a "sea monster" and you and Daddy have to escape. It's hilarious! Where did you learn sea monster? This past year, you had two trips (one to Frankenmuth, Michigan and one to Blacksburg, Virginia). Vacation to you is going to a hotel, watching Disney, playing with trains on the hotel floor (because Gramma brought things to do), eating a lot of food, and sleeping in big beds. You loved Frankenmuth (and I knew you would), especially the Christmas store (again - I knew you would)! You loved visiting your Aunt Jen and Uncle Wes in Virginia for Thanksgiving and gave them so much to laugh about. Apparently you even managed to lock one of their bedroom doors while you were there, and one day they actually closed it and they were locked out of it. Ha!

I know I say this every year, but you have grown up so much this past year! You seem to have this memory that boggles our minds. You memorize TV shows you only watched once, you know the books we read to you like you can actually read those books, and you remember words of songs very easily. Plus you just retain information like it's your job! You started a home school preschool with Mommy and Daddy this past year, and you trace letters and numbers very well.  You even learned how to write your name. It doesn't matter where you see a sign or if you see numbers somewhere, you try to trace the numbers or letters with your fingers now. We have done our own little science experiments like making a volcano from an apple, making a tornado from a bottle, or growing grass from seeds and a sponge. You love "to do school" even if on your own. You soak up everything you learn! I love that. I hope this next year that you continue to be just as excited when you go to Pre-K. Your vocabulary has also just exploded. Words I didn't know you knew, all of sudden you are using them in a sentence. Correctly, I might add. Like "indeed." What 3 year old knows the word indeed? You, my boy! You heard your Daddy and G-Pa say it so often, you just knew it. Funny recent story, you were playing with Daddy in your room, and you were showing me your dinosaur toys. I pointed to the one and said "that's a T-Rex." And you matter-of-factly said "No Mommy! It's a Tyrannosaurus Rex." Well shut me up. Probably one of the funniest times where you corrected me and were absolutely right. Loved it!

And with all those smarts, you are so creative too. You don't care about coloring or really doing much with art projects (with the exception of cutting paper, making fuzzy caterpillars, or playing with stickers); however, your mind is incredibly creative. You have such an imagination. We could be driving somewhere, and you will all of sudden say "Mommy, we gotta be careful, there is a giant over there." Or a dinosaur, or a giant ant, or whatever it is that you think of. You love to pretend that you can get the bad guys and put them in time out! Ha! And with music, you will use songs that already exist and modify them. For instance, you have many versions for Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. When you sing "like a diamond in the sky..." you will replace diamond with a variety of things (such as different shapes, tornadoes, poop, excavators, etc).

And speaking of poop - Haha! You finally got potty trained (mostly). Nighttime is still an issue, but you are mostly good during the day with occasional accidents. And we will work on the nighttime stuff, so no worries. But since we started potty training with you, you are quite obsessed with the word poop. Must be a boy thing! LOL!

Your heart is so tender and sweet too. Since you learned that Mommy was pregnant with your little sister, you suddenly went from this little toddler to a big boy! Even while I was pregnant, you would talk about your baby sister, and how no one would mess with her! I am not sure where you learned that phrase, but you were ready to be a big brother. You would pat my belly, kiss my belly, and pray for her. And when Mommy wouldn't feel good or when I was sick in the bathroom, you took on this comforter role and would rub my head and kiss my cheek and tell me "it's okay, Mommy!" And then when Baby Alex finally came home, you were soo in love with her. I could see it in your eyes. You saw her and I knew you would do anything to protect her and love her. She was your sister and no one would mess with her! You truly do dote on her by the way you want to help with everything. You want to help get her pacifier for her, you tell her everything is okay, you kiss her head all the time, and you want to be around for diaper changes and baths. The first night, while she was sleeping and Mommy and Daddy were handling dinner, you got a book and started reading to her. It was the most adorable thing I ever saw.

But to say that having a new baby sister hasn't impacted your world would be a lie. You do love her, but you do have jealous moments. Especially when she first came home. You acted out a lot and would deliberately do things we told you not to do, etc. We knew it was because you were jealous. One night, when I was putting you to bed, I asked you if you were sad that Mommy had to spend so much time with the baby, and you said yes. I appreciated your honesty. I hope you always feel like you can tell me anything. I do love our night routine. After I feed Alexandria, I put her to bed and then I put you to bed. We go into your room and do our prayers and talk about the day. We even marvel at the cool glowing city on your wall. You love that thing! And you always tell me that you love me. And you ask me to "stay one minute" as you fall asleep before I leave. And so I do. That nighttime routine is valuable to me because we don't always get time just the two of us anymore. And I'm working on that. I hope to figure out ways that you and I can have some "just us" time too. But just know, time spent with you means the world to me.

And as if it weren't enough, you are showing us what an independent big boy you are. You don't seem to have much fear, which is incredible. You want to literally do everything you can for yourself. You want to get your own drinks, your own food, and really don't want us to have to get anything for you. I think it bugs you that you can't get our big front door open yourself because you would if you could. And a few weeks ago, you told me that you didn't need to hold my hand anymore except for crossing the street. I could get sad, but instead I was proud. You were essentially telling me that other than for safety, you can do this! And it's true! You can. You can truly do anything you set your mind to, and that is why I was proud of you in that moment. Sweetheart, I hope you know that your Daddy and I are your biggest fans, and you always have us to cheer you on, provide you unconditional love, and support you as you go for your dreams!

And even though you are my big boy, you are also my firstborn baby! Always will be. You are the rainbow after a storm. Mommy and Daddy always wanted kids and weren't sure if we would ever be parents. But God gave us a tremendous gift when He gave us you. I so look forward to seeing how much you grow and learn in this next year. There will be some challenges I expect. I know you are going to pre-K this fall, and so that will be a big change for you as well because you will be going to pre-K for three days a week, and Jane's only 2 days. And I'm sure this will impact you as I know you like your friends at Jane's. But I pray that you will make amazing friends at school too, and that you love your teachers as well. We tried to find a school that would give you the structure you need, the ability to make friends, and also learn important things before Kindergarten. You seem excited about going to school!

I love you, sweetheart! You make me such a proud mama! I hope this birthday is and has been one of the best, And I hope this next year is full of incredible memories for you! And my hand is still here always for you to hold, should you change your mind! 😉 Happy Birthday, my darling boy!

Love you always,

Mommy

Alexandria Grace - A poem for you

Alexandria Grace - A poem for you

You were born on a cold night in February
about two and half months early
You came into the world screaming
and became an essential part of our world

I saw you for the first time
two days after your birth,
and nothing could have prepared me
for what I saw when I came to you

Wheeled up in a wheelchair
I saw your incubator bed
So many wires and tubes
and scary noises from the monitors

I was afraid to first see you
I was afraid that I would cry,
or even that I would scream
As this was not the plan

But instead, when I saw you
I saw the tiniest little person
With some of the prettiest skin
And adorable feet and hands

I wasn't able to really see your face
You were covered with a CPAP,
and you had a chest tube on one side of you
A procedure I had to approve earlier that morning

But I heard you make little noises
You moved around a lot for a tiny little thing
Your nurses referred to you as feisty
And even your doctors said you had a lot of fierceness in you

I remember talking to you
And your Grandma was there with me
I didn't know exactly what to say
I felt quite clumsy talking to you

What can I say to my beautiful daughter
who was lying there in an incubator
What can I say to make you feel better
Was my voice enough letting you know I loved you?

I don't even remember what was said that first time
But I do remember after being instructed how to touch you
What it was like when I first touched your skin
and touched your hand

I remember the beautiful emotion that came over me
when I reached for your beautiful little fingers
and how tight you held them
As if to say "don't let me go, Mommy!"

It was in that moment I knew.
You did know me, you did.
I knew as you clung to  my finger that we were going to do this
I would hold back my fearful emotions around you

We would push forward and take this journey together
I had to be strong for you
I wanted to be strong because it was you that was fighting
You were showing me how to hold strong

Amazing how at two and a half pounds
You, my sweet girl were showing me how to fight
How to hold strong and keep going
And not to give up

It is you that has inspired me in this entire NICU journey
We sing 'Overcomer' at least once a week
As it brings me comfort and strength
And I even have a video where you smile during it.

You love singing and easy swaying
You love music and can sleep through any crazy noise
And now you love to open your eyes so much more
You are so alert and amazed at the world around you

We have so many talks, you and I
And you have so many talks with you and Daddy
We take turns a lot of the time with one of us taking care of Caleb
While the other one comes to the hospital to see you

It has become part of a "new normal" for us
But, I don't like it
I still want our new normal to be with you at home
I keep holding on hope for that day

We celebrate every ounce, every pound
Every amount of milk you take from a bottle
Every brain scan that comes back as normal
And really every single test that comes back good

We keep holding onto faith
As that is the only thing that keeps us moving
Sometimes, Mommy has breakdowns
I cry over you because of a song I hear or a picture I see

Our life feels like it is on hold until we bring you home
Mommy is still working but as a distraction
Because if I wasn't working, I would fall apart
Mommy isn't as strong as you are.

You take all the pokes and handling
You endure the tests and scans
You take it all like an incredible champ
Even with tears, you are still tough as nails

I cry a lot, but that is mostly when I am alone
It's been emotionally hard to handle
But, I don't want you to feel that
I want you to feel hope and strength

I need that release of tears to push forward though
I rely on those tears to keep going
And sometimes those tears are not of sadness or fear
But of pride

You know baby girl, you have shocked us all
With how amazing you have handled things
You are growing so well
Despite all the odds against you

But that's who God designed you to be
You were created by God and fashioned together
Your future is held by Him
And He knew you well before we did

He knew you would come
during a time that I just didn't see possible
It seemed very unlikely that you would be conceived
And yet, here you are

And throughout my pregnancy, I went through a lot
Always more concerned for your welfare than my own
And even when Mommy was literally at my worst
You were continuing to grow stronger

I feel bad that it was ultimately my body that failed
and caused you to be born so early
But in spite of it, you are proving that God is bigger
And that God can use medical technology to help you grow

So when I get sad or get discouraged,
which happens a lot because I miss you
I try to think of your beautiful face
And all you have overcome so far

I think about what a beautiful blessing you are
And imagine the day when we are together at home
What a joyous day that will be
There will be many tears, but tears of joy!

I love you Alexandria Grace
You and your brother are such beautiful blessings
Beyond my expectations and beyond all fears
You make being a mother so rewarding

I look forward to the future with you here
As you grow into a toddler, a little girl, a teenager, and eventually a woman
I look forward to the ordinary and extraordinary days ahead
I look forward to the future with you!

Alexandria's Birth Story

Alexandria's beautiful little handle gripping my finger on our first meeting! 

Our Alexandria Grace is here! Everyone should know this by now. She has been outside of me for almost a month now, and it feels like it has been so much longer. I am just now at the point where I can talk about that night without anxiety.

Our baby girl is an incredible blessing. Just look at those teeny, tiny fingers! Her birth is an incredible miracle, and from what I hear, my being alive is also a miracle. I didn't think I was in any trouble, and I really thought we could make it to 34 weeks. 

Most knew I was dealing with blood pressure issues and pre-eclampsia. If you want to understand pre-eclampsia, take a look at my previous post. Even when I was writing that post, I didn't think it would ever escalate into HELLP syndrome. I really believed we could just give me some blood pressure medicine and then take care of me at home. And if we couldn't handle the BP meds at home, then I would check into the hospital and we could ward off delivery until 34 weeks when everyone told me we would deliver. This was our plan. We were okay with it, and we felt good about it. We were so sure this would happen. After all, she was doing great inside my body. She wasn't in any distress. She was growing. Her non-stress tests were great. It was just me. I was the problem. But we could fix it enough that I would get through it....except that's not how it happened. 

I had my OB doctor's appointment on Thursday, February 8th. I hated my appointments because my blood pressure was such a pain. I never ever felt like my blood pressure should be high considering how I was feeling. I was always measuring insanely high when I would show up, and then it would eventually decrease. We had even gotten a blood pressure monitor for us at home, and I measured high there, but I thought I was doing it wrong because it was so high. I was sure it was "operator" error. So I took the blood pressure monitor with me that day to see if the nurse could show me what to do and compare with her results there. We didn't get that far. The protein in my urine was as high as you could get it on the test strip they have there in the office. And then they took my BP, and I was in the 190's/110. And that was with my being on blood pressure medicine for the past 3 days. And I was still THAT HIGH! So I had to tell my husband that I had to go to the hospital that afternoon to be admitted. I wasn't having headaches (except for one I had earlier in the week that lasted about a day, but then went away) or nausea or blurred vision. I mean, I drove to the doctor and home that morning. I was fine in my mind. We would get this BP under control at the hospital. Nowhere in our minds did we accept or believe that we would be delivering her.

Kettering Memorial Hospital

So that evening, we checked in around 5:45 PM into Labor and Delivery. They took my BP, and it was super high. They took blood from me for some labs (I wasn't sure all they were analyzing for at the time). Todd had to leave to go pick up Caleb and take him home as he wasn't allowed to be at the hospital because of the flu going around. But we had talked with people at Labor and Delivery that we wanted to just control my blood pressure with BP meds and we were insistent about NOT delivering. In our minds, they were too quick to want to deliver and BP meds should control the problem. So before he left, we both agreed that I would just keep Todd in the loop as to how my BP was doing, and we expected to not see each other until the next day.

Apparently 15-20 minutes later, the labs came back (I never knew labs could come back so fast!). My liver enzymes were elevated and I had very low blood platelet count (ALL associated with HELLPs syndrome). If a baby isn't delivered fast, the baby and mother in that emergency situation can die. And after my own research, when they told me about my blood platelet count, I called my husband immediately to tell him. He had Caleb stay with Jane overnight (we have never done that, but she was more than okay with it and we appreciate her beyond words for doing that), and he rushed back to the hospital. While he was handling things with Jane, Alexandria's heart rate started to drop significantly. She was never in distress before, but she was suddenly experiencing distress!

I remember how fast the nurses moved me out of my room into the operating room. It was super fast because we could no longer wait for my actual OB doctor and we couldn't even wait for Todd to arrive. There was no time for an epidural to allow me to stay awake during the surgery either. I remember being rushed into the OR, and I was freaking out. I was soooo scared. My husband wasn't there with me and we were having this baby. And I had a bazillion fears running through my mind. I remember seeing the time when they wheeled me in, and it was 8:06 PM. A nurse came and held my hand and saw how scared I was, and she stopped right then and said "How about we pray, Sarah?!" And I said okay. And right then, she prayed for me and for Alexandria! And when she said Amen, I heard several others in the room (doctors and nurses) say Amen! I had never experienced anything like that before...doctors and nurses believing in God's power and letting Him use them to make this happen! And so I felt peace wash over me at that point. And literally the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room and Alexandria had been born. (Side note - I saw on her birth certificate she was born at 8:10 PM, so from the time I was wheeled in to the time she was born, it was 4 minutes. That's amazing to me!).

Very first photo of Alexandria Grace

My parents had come as soon as they had talked to both me and Todd before she was born. Todd was there as well. And all three of them met Alexandria before I did. I got to see some photos of her on their phones. But I was soo out of it. The magnesium sulfate they gave me to avoid having a seizure and the drugs they used to knock me out...well let's just say I was not with it. I do remember my parents and Todd talking to me, and they told me how beautiful she was and how big she was (she was born 2 lbs 9.6 oz at 15 inches long). I was impressed with how long she was considering how early she came! 

The rest of my days at the hospital consisted of my getting off of the magnesium sulfate, testing for blood pressure all the time, and finally meeting my baby girl 2 days after I had her. Todd was at home that Saturday because Caleb was congested, and he didn't want to accidentally spread germs to our baby girl. So, my Mom came with me to meet her for the first time in the NICU. Before I went to go see her, a NICU doctor came to my room to tell me that her left lung had a leak, and they would need to put a chest tube in her. And I had to sign off so she could get that. That was my first real job after she had been born. The reality of being the mom of a premature baby truly set in. And now to see her.

The NICU - a place I NEVER expected to enter. A place I feared. I truly feared a place like the NICU. I knew it was a place where babies were hooked up to tubes and wires and scary beeps. And my baby girl was one of those patients. I was scared that I would freak out when I saw her like that. My mom wheeled me to the NICU. When you enter, the very first room is full of sinks, and you are required to wash your hands and arms up to your elbows. And then you tell them who you are there to see, and we are given a special code for security purposes. And then I was wheeled into her very private room. I saw this incubator and heard all kinds of noises and beeps. And there inside the incubator was the tiniest little person I ever met. There she was! My girl. My daughter. All 2 pounds 9.6 ounces of her (actually she weighed a little less when I saw her). I had seen videos of mothers meeting their babies for the first time in the NICU and/or holding them for the first time, but nothing prepares you for the actual thing happening to YOU!

The infamous monitors with beeps that will scare you if you don't know what they mean

 Our first meeting! Grasping my finger so tightly! 

Her little toes - so precious!

Her teeny hand with beautiful fingers! 

I saw the tiniest little hands and fingers sticking out of various wires, etc. And she had a CPAP on her to help her with breathing. I had been told she came out screaming and breathing on her own, but the doctors described it as a "honeymoon" period and she would likely need help breathing soon after. And she did. The CPAP pretty much covered her whole face. And they were helping her with jaundice, etc so they also had a mask over her eyes because they were putting the bilirubin light on her. So I didn't even really see her face. Mostly I just saw her feet, her little belly, and her hands. I tried to talk to her to see if she remembered my voice. I held her hand, and she had such an amazing grip! I will never forget that grip she gave me. It was like she was saying "Oh Mommy, you are here! I'm not letting go!" I was quite overcome with emotion on that. But I held it together. Both my Mom and I talked to her. It was hard as I was still recovering from my C-section and my feet were like elephants! I was soo swollen! Plus, I was quite exhausted, but I didn't want to be away from her.

The NICU nurses at Kettering Memorial Hospital are pretty great! They always tell me how she is doing and explain anything I may not understand. They are so great with her and from the get-go, they said she was a feisty girl! And this was a common theme from them, that our girl was stubborn and feisty! And I hung onto that. Because that told me that she was going to beat this! God put that feisty spirit in her and she was going to do amazing things! I believe she is way stronger than her mama! She has a fire in her that is God-given!

The last few days in the hospital were emotional to say the least. My incision was doing well, but on the Monday following her birth, I was expecting to leave. However, I had this awful feeling that something was sitting on my chest. It wasn't painful, just made it impossible to breathe well. I couldn't even lay down without being out of breath. So, I brought it up to the nurses and doctors. They were concerned after going through various checks that it could be a blood clot, so I went and had an MRI and a PET scan! After all those checks, everything came back normal. I had high blood pressure still, but nothing else. But after staying another day, and after going to the bathroom A LOT, everyone believes it was just an excessive amount of fluid built up. But that last night...was the hardest. I needed permission to leave my floor and I needed someone to wheel me down to the NICU to see my daughter, and at first, it seemed like I wasn't getting answers from doctors or nurses about what was going on with my health. I was away from my husband and son too, and I was depressed. It was emotional to say the least, and I felt VERY alone that last night in the hospital. I finally got to see my daughter that night in the NICU around 9 PM. It was soo quiet, and she was sleeping. I just watched her for over an hour. I sang to her. I talked to her. I sat still and just took her in. Somehow, I felt better after all of that. I think my daughter brings me hope. I figure if she can endure all the crap she is going through as a new little person on this earth, I need to hold it together for her. Again - she is soooo much stronger than me.

Last day for Mommy at the hospital, but I could finally see her eyes uncovered

In the days that followed, I have had my stitches and wound vac taken out. I have gone back most days of the week to see my girl. That first week and a half was rough as I wasn't allowed to drive, so I had to wait on Todd to take me. But when I was given the go ahead to drive, I try to get there at least 4 times a week. I am still working as I want to save that time off for when she comes home. So that's been hard. Here I am, I have this baby who is in the hospital, and I am working. But at the same time, work has helped keep my mind busy. And I need that right now. Otherwise, I would be crying A LOT more!

There is more to Alexandria's story, but I will have to share that later. I just wanted to take some time to talk about the actual birth. The craziness that was that night, and how it all came so suddenly. Because most just knew that we were going to take care of my pre-E with blood pressure pills, etc. It's amazing how that plan just went out the window. And I know someday, I will look back on all of this and see how God orchestrated so much of what happened. And I am starting to see some of that now. But, it's been hard to wrap my heart and head around all of this.

My body failed me and my girl. And for the second time! Both of the children I have given birth to have had crazy births involving emergency C-sections and requiring them to hurry to save both our lives. And our very first baby that never lived outside my body died as well in 2012. It's hard not to see all of that and not get emotional. I am their mother and I am supposed to protect them, and if not in my body, where else? I mean, it has taken a HUGE toll on me emotionally thinking about that. I am told by people to not think about that, but how can I not? I know of several women pregnant now or were pregnant, and have had healthy/no issues or concerns with their pregnancies. Their bodies protected their babies. But mine - mine has failed my babies 3 times. It's hard not to get upset over that.

At the same time, I still try to look at the goodness of God and how He provided during this time. And the prayers of all of you were there! Your faithfulness to pray for us was incredible and quite possibly one of the very reasons I am alive speaking to you today. I am alive and my daughter is alive. And I have heard from friends and family who have said they had several people praying as well in time zones around the world. And I had people who were strangers message me words of comfort and hope. It was and has been incredible the amount of love and support we have had. So despite the hard stuff, the love from people and the prayer support has been inspiring. And I do believe that prayer works even more because my health was in bad shape, and I should have died with the problems and blood pressure I was having. I should have died because most anyone else would have. But I didn't. And that's a miracle! So thank you to those who prayed and lifted us up and to God as well for taking care of me and my girl.

And one last thing - our first baby we ever conceived died in July 2012 through a miscarriage. And he would have been born in February (mid-February) 2013. And when I think about how hard of an experience that was, and then I think about how our baby girl was conceived in July and ended up being born in February (not April), I can't help but see God's Hands in that. He took a broken part of us and is restoring it. If you don't know much about God, He loves to illustrate His love to us by redeeming brokenness and painful times. Turning ashes to beauty. And July and February have always had points in there for us that were painful reminders of our lost child in heaven. And yet, God has given us another beautiful blessing during those times of loss. Not as a replacement, but as a way to say, "I know what you have gone through and I am turning your pain and sadness to joy." And so even though this has been hard to see my baby girl in the NICU, and I am still quite sad about a lot of it, God has been working on my heart and I am working through the emotions of it all. And I see and believe that God is going to do some amazing things in the life of this beautiful little girl. The NICU journey is hard. And I won't always be perfect at handling it all, but I am expecting God to do some amazing things through our girl and her life! I have more to share, but that's for another time.

Thank you again for your continued prayers. We do need them! But thank you for the prayers and love and encouragement. We couldn't do this without you! We couldn't!

I will end this post with the photo from the first time I got to hold Alexandria (8 days after birth)! It was a momentous occasion!

Living With Pre-eclampsia

Unless you have been through this yourself, you may not understand what is involved with pre-eclampsia. Most assume it is just about the blood pressure being too high, but there is much more involved.

I was diagnosed about two weeks (at 28 weeks) ago with it. I was considered mild at the time; however, it can change pretty quickly.

When you have two of the following, you can be diagnosed with mild pre-eclampsia:

• High blood pressure
• High amounts of protein in urine
• Water retention - more than is normal for pregnancy

It crosses over into severe pre-eclampsia when you have the following:

• The above symptoms
• Debilitating headaches that won't go away with Tylenol
• Blurred vision/spots in vision/light sensitivity with vision
• Pain in upper right abdomen
• Extreme fatique
• Shortness of breath
• Nausea/Vomiting

And this can quickly turn into eclampsia and/or HELLP syndrome. Eclampsia can turn into seizures. HELLP syndrome results in elevated liver enzymes and low platelet count. 

Without treating it at the right time, this can lead to the breakdown of the placenta which then leads to oxygen and nutrient deficiency for the baby. And all of these can lead to the death of the mother and the baby. And the only real way to treat is delivering the baby and the placenta. Once that happens, my blood pressure, etc. should hopefully return back to normal within a week to six weeks. But if you have pre-eclampsia too early in pregnancy, hence the scary part about delivering a baby too early. Because now you have to deal with the concerns of delivering a very preemie baby. 

So it's not a simple disease. It's pretty dang serious, and one of the leading causes of death during pregnancy. 

So for me - living with it is almost a strategy. I am trying to keep my blood pressure down to avoid seizures and worse. But if that doesn't work, I will need to be at the hospital for round-the-clock care to ensure that me and Alexandria are okay. And if things were to go south, we have literally minutes to be saved but can be saved. If I have a seizure or something, being at home is not the best. 

So we have decided that this Thursday at my OB appointment, if my BP isn't showing signs of improving, it will mean I need to suck it up and handle that management at the hospital until the baby is needing to be delivered. I currently have two appointments scheduled during the week - one to see the baby during an ultrasound and doppler to ensure there is enough fluid, the baby is still growing, etc. And then I have labs, blood pressure checks, etc with my OB to ensure that my body is doing okay. 

Likely, at 34 weeks (March 7th), they will not want me to go past that point in the pregnancy to ensure that the baby and I are okay. The positives will likely outweigh the risk of continuing past 34 weeks. And at 34 weeks, preemie babies go on to do really great! Plus, from what I heard, girls do better as preemies than boys. All the doctors and nurses have told me that this is a common fact with preemie facts. They aren't sure why girls do better, but they do. 

If we can't get that BP under control...well, things can change pretty fast! So that's why the urgency. That's why we sometimes are confused as to what to do. 

And then at the same time, we believe God will give us guidance to make the right decisions. 

So I hope that helps those who may not understand what is involved with pre-eclampsia. And we thank you for the prayers and support along the way.