Alexandria Grace - A poem for you

Alexandria Grace - A poem for you

You were born on a cold night in February
about two and half months early
You came into the world screaming
and became an essential part of our world

I saw you for the first time
two days after your birth,
and nothing could have prepared me
for what I saw when I came to you

Wheeled up in a wheelchair
I saw your incubator bed
So many wires and tubes
and scary noises from the monitors

I was afraid to first see you
I was afraid that I would cry,
or even that I would scream
As this was not the plan

But instead, when I saw you
I saw the tiniest little person
With some of the prettiest skin
And adorable feet and hands

I wasn't able to really see your face
You were covered with a CPAP,
and you had a chest tube on one side of you
A procedure I had to approve earlier that morning

But I heard you make little noises
You moved around a lot for a tiny little thing
Your nurses referred to you as feisty
And even your doctors said you had a lot of fierceness in you

I remember talking to you
And your Grandma was there with me
I didn't know exactly what to say
I felt quite clumsy talking to you

What can I say to my beautiful daughter
who was lying there in an incubator
What can I say to make you feel better
Was my voice enough letting you know I loved you?

I don't even remember what was said that first time
But I do remember after being instructed how to touch you
What it was like when I first touched your skin
and touched your hand

I remember the beautiful emotion that came over me
when I reached for your beautiful little fingers
and how tight you held them
As if to say "don't let me go, Mommy!"

It was in that moment I knew.
You did know me, you did.
I knew as you clung to  my finger that we were going to do this
I would hold back my fearful emotions around you

We would push forward and take this journey together
I had to be strong for you
I wanted to be strong because it was you that was fighting
You were showing me how to hold strong

Amazing how at two and a half pounds
You, my sweet girl were showing me how to fight
How to hold strong and keep going
And not to give up

It is you that has inspired me in this entire NICU journey
We sing 'Overcomer' at least once a week
As it brings me comfort and strength
And I even have a video where you smile during it.

You love singing and easy swaying
You love music and can sleep through any crazy noise
And now you love to open your eyes so much more
You are so alert and amazed at the world around you

We have so many talks, you and I
And you have so many talks with you and Daddy
We take turns a lot of the time with one of us taking care of Caleb
While the other one comes to the hospital to see you

It has become part of a "new normal" for us
But, I don't like it
I still want our new normal to be with you at home
I keep holding on hope for that day

We celebrate every ounce, every pound
Every amount of milk you take from a bottle
Every brain scan that comes back as normal
And really every single test that comes back good

We keep holding onto faith
As that is the only thing that keeps us moving
Sometimes, Mommy has breakdowns
I cry over you because of a song I hear or a picture I see

Our life feels like it is on hold until we bring you home
Mommy is still working but as a distraction
Because if I wasn't working, I would fall apart
Mommy isn't as strong as you are.

You take all the pokes and handling
You endure the tests and scans
You take it all like an incredible champ
Even with tears, you are still tough as nails

I cry a lot, but that is mostly when I am alone
It's been emotionally hard to handle
But, I don't want you to feel that
I want you to feel hope and strength

I need that release of tears to push forward though
I rely on those tears to keep going
And sometimes those tears are not of sadness or fear
But of pride

You know baby girl, you have shocked us all
With how amazing you have handled things
You are growing so well
Despite all the odds against you

But that's who God designed you to be
You were created by God and fashioned together
Your future is held by Him
And He knew you well before we did

He knew you would come
during a time that I just didn't see possible
It seemed very unlikely that you would be conceived
And yet, here you are

And throughout my pregnancy, I went through a lot
Always more concerned for your welfare than my own
And even when Mommy was literally at my worst
You were continuing to grow stronger

I feel bad that it was ultimately my body that failed
and caused you to be born so early
But in spite of it, you are proving that God is bigger
And that God can use medical technology to help you grow

So when I get sad or get discouraged,
which happens a lot because I miss you
I try to think of your beautiful face
And all you have overcome so far

I think about what a beautiful blessing you are
And imagine the day when we are together at home
What a joyous day that will be
There will be many tears, but tears of joy!

I love you Alexandria Grace
You and your brother are such beautiful blessings
Beyond my expectations and beyond all fears
You make being a mother so rewarding

I look forward to the future with you here
As you grow into a toddler, a little girl, a teenager, and eventually a woman
I look forward to the ordinary and extraordinary days ahead
I look forward to the future with you!