Alexandria Grace - A poem for you

Alexandria Grace - A poem for you

You were born on a cold night in February
about two and half months early
You came into the world screaming
and became an essential part of our world

I saw you for the first time
two days after your birth,
and nothing could have prepared me
for what I saw when I came to you

Wheeled up in a wheelchair
I saw your incubator bed
So many wires and tubes
and scary noises from the monitors

I was afraid to first see you
I was afraid that I would cry,
or even that I would scream
As this was not the plan

But instead, when I saw you
I saw the tiniest little person
With some of the prettiest skin
And adorable feet and hands

I wasn't able to really see your face
You were covered with a CPAP,
and you had a chest tube on one side of you
A procedure I had to approve earlier that morning

But I heard you make little noises
You moved around a lot for a tiny little thing
Your nurses referred to you as feisty
And even your doctors said you had a lot of fierceness in you

I remember talking to you
And your Grandma was there with me
I didn't know exactly what to say
I felt quite clumsy talking to you

What can I say to my beautiful daughter
who was lying there in an incubator
What can I say to make you feel better
Was my voice enough letting you know I loved you?

I don't even remember what was said that first time
But I do remember after being instructed how to touch you
What it was like when I first touched your skin
and touched your hand

I remember the beautiful emotion that came over me
when I reached for your beautiful little fingers
and how tight you held them
As if to say "don't let me go, Mommy!"

It was in that moment I knew.
You did know me, you did.
I knew as you clung to  my finger that we were going to do this
I would hold back my fearful emotions around you

We would push forward and take this journey together
I had to be strong for you
I wanted to be strong because it was you that was fighting
You were showing me how to hold strong

Amazing how at two and a half pounds
You, my sweet girl were showing me how to fight
How to hold strong and keep going
And not to give up

It is you that has inspired me in this entire NICU journey
We sing 'Overcomer' at least once a week
As it brings me comfort and strength
And I even have a video where you smile during it.

You love singing and easy swaying
You love music and can sleep through any crazy noise
And now you love to open your eyes so much more
You are so alert and amazed at the world around you

We have so many talks, you and I
And you have so many talks with you and Daddy
We take turns a lot of the time with one of us taking care of Caleb
While the other one comes to the hospital to see you

It has become part of a "new normal" for us
But, I don't like it
I still want our new normal to be with you at home
I keep holding on hope for that day

We celebrate every ounce, every pound
Every amount of milk you take from a bottle
Every brain scan that comes back as normal
And really every single test that comes back good

We keep holding onto faith
As that is the only thing that keeps us moving
Sometimes, Mommy has breakdowns
I cry over you because of a song I hear or a picture I see

Our life feels like it is on hold until we bring you home
Mommy is still working but as a distraction
Because if I wasn't working, I would fall apart
Mommy isn't as strong as you are.

You take all the pokes and handling
You endure the tests and scans
You take it all like an incredible champ
Even with tears, you are still tough as nails

I cry a lot, but that is mostly when I am alone
It's been emotionally hard to handle
But, I don't want you to feel that
I want you to feel hope and strength

I need that release of tears to push forward though
I rely on those tears to keep going
And sometimes those tears are not of sadness or fear
But of pride

You know baby girl, you have shocked us all
With how amazing you have handled things
You are growing so well
Despite all the odds against you

But that's who God designed you to be
You were created by God and fashioned together
Your future is held by Him
And He knew you well before we did

He knew you would come
during a time that I just didn't see possible
It seemed very unlikely that you would be conceived
And yet, here you are

And throughout my pregnancy, I went through a lot
Always more concerned for your welfare than my own
And even when Mommy was literally at my worst
You were continuing to grow stronger

I feel bad that it was ultimately my body that failed
and caused you to be born so early
But in spite of it, you are proving that God is bigger
And that God can use medical technology to help you grow

So when I get sad or get discouraged,
which happens a lot because I miss you
I try to think of your beautiful face
And all you have overcome so far

I think about what a beautiful blessing you are
And imagine the day when we are together at home
What a joyous day that will be
There will be many tears, but tears of joy!

I love you Alexandria Grace
You and your brother are such beautiful blessings
Beyond my expectations and beyond all fears
You make being a mother so rewarding

I look forward to the future with you here
As you grow into a toddler, a little girl, a teenager, and eventually a woman
I look forward to the ordinary and extraordinary days ahead
I look forward to the future with you!

Alexandria's Birth Story

Alexandria's beautiful little handle gripping my finger on our first meeting! 

Our Alexandria Grace is here! Everyone should know this by now. She has been outside of me for almost a month now, and it feels like it has been so much longer. I am just now at the point where I can talk about that night without anxiety.

Our baby girl is an incredible blessing. Just look at those teeny, tiny fingers! Her birth is an incredible miracle, and from what I hear, my being alive is also a miracle. I didn't think I was in any trouble, and I really thought we could make it to 34 weeks. 

Most knew I was dealing with blood pressure issues and pre-eclampsia. If you want to understand pre-eclampsia, take a look at my previous post. Even when I was writing that post, I didn't think it would ever escalate into HELLP syndrome. I really believed we could just give me some blood pressure medicine and then take care of me at home. And if we couldn't handle the BP meds at home, then I would check into the hospital and we could ward off delivery until 34 weeks when everyone told me we would deliver. This was our plan. We were okay with it, and we felt good about it. We were so sure this would happen. After all, she was doing great inside my body. She wasn't in any distress. She was growing. Her non-stress tests were great. It was just me. I was the problem. But we could fix it enough that I would get through it....except that's not how it happened. 

I had my OB doctor's appointment on Thursday, February 8th. I hated my appointments because my blood pressure was such a pain. I never ever felt like my blood pressure should be high considering how I was feeling. I was always measuring insanely high when I would show up, and then it would eventually decrease. We had even gotten a blood pressure monitor for us at home, and I measured high there, but I thought I was doing it wrong because it was so high. I was sure it was "operator" error. So I took the blood pressure monitor with me that day to see if the nurse could show me what to do and compare with her results there. We didn't get that far. The protein in my urine was as high as you could get it on the test strip they have there in the office. And then they took my BP, and I was in the 190's/110. And that was with my being on blood pressure medicine for the past 3 days. And I was still THAT HIGH! So I had to tell my husband that I had to go to the hospital that afternoon to be admitted. I wasn't having headaches (except for one I had earlier in the week that lasted about a day, but then went away) or nausea or blurred vision. I mean, I drove to the doctor and home that morning. I was fine in my mind. We would get this BP under control at the hospital. Nowhere in our minds did we accept or believe that we would be delivering her.

Kettering Memorial Hospital

So that evening, we checked in around 5:45 PM into Labor and Delivery. They took my BP, and it was super high. They took blood from me for some labs (I wasn't sure all they were analyzing for at the time). Todd had to leave to go pick up Caleb and take him home as he wasn't allowed to be at the hospital because of the flu going around. But we had talked with people at Labor and Delivery that we wanted to just control my blood pressure with BP meds and we were insistent about NOT delivering. In our minds, they were too quick to want to deliver and BP meds should control the problem. So before he left, we both agreed that I would just keep Todd in the loop as to how my BP was doing, and we expected to not see each other until the next day.

Apparently 15-20 minutes later, the labs came back (I never knew labs could come back so fast!). My liver enzymes were elevated and I had very low blood platelet count (ALL associated with HELLPs syndrome). If a baby isn't delivered fast, the baby and mother in that emergency situation can die. And after my own research, when they told me about my blood platelet count, I called my husband immediately to tell him. He had Caleb stay with Jane overnight (we have never done that, but she was more than okay with it and we appreciate her beyond words for doing that), and he rushed back to the hospital. While he was handling things with Jane, Alexandria's heart rate started to drop significantly. She was never in distress before, but she was suddenly experiencing distress!

I remember how fast the nurses moved me out of my room into the operating room. It was super fast because we could no longer wait for my actual OB doctor and we couldn't even wait for Todd to arrive. There was no time for an epidural to allow me to stay awake during the surgery either. I remember being rushed into the OR, and I was freaking out. I was soooo scared. My husband wasn't there with me and we were having this baby. And I had a bazillion fears running through my mind. I remember seeing the time when they wheeled me in, and it was 8:06 PM. A nurse came and held my hand and saw how scared I was, and she stopped right then and said "How about we pray, Sarah?!" And I said okay. And right then, she prayed for me and for Alexandria! And when she said Amen, I heard several others in the room (doctors and nurses) say Amen! I had never experienced anything like that before...doctors and nurses believing in God's power and letting Him use them to make this happen! And so I felt peace wash over me at that point. And literally the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room and Alexandria had been born. (Side note - I saw on her birth certificate she was born at 8:10 PM, so from the time I was wheeled in to the time she was born, it was 4 minutes. That's amazing to me!).

Very first photo of Alexandria Grace

My parents had come as soon as they had talked to both me and Todd before she was born. Todd was there as well. And all three of them met Alexandria before I did. I got to see some photos of her on their phones. But I was soo out of it. The magnesium sulfate they gave me to avoid having a seizure and the drugs they used to knock me out...well let's just say I was not with it. I do remember my parents and Todd talking to me, and they told me how beautiful she was and how big she was (she was born 2 lbs 9.6 oz at 15 inches long). I was impressed with how long she was considering how early she came! 

The rest of my days at the hospital consisted of my getting off of the magnesium sulfate, testing for blood pressure all the time, and finally meeting my baby girl 2 days after I had her. Todd was at home that Saturday because Caleb was congested, and he didn't want to accidentally spread germs to our baby girl. So, my Mom came with me to meet her for the first time in the NICU. Before I went to go see her, a NICU doctor came to my room to tell me that her left lung had a leak, and they would need to put a chest tube in her. And I had to sign off so she could get that. That was my first real job after she had been born. The reality of being the mom of a premature baby truly set in. And now to see her.

The NICU - a place I NEVER expected to enter. A place I feared. I truly feared a place like the NICU. I knew it was a place where babies were hooked up to tubes and wires and scary beeps. And my baby girl was one of those patients. I was scared that I would freak out when I saw her like that. My mom wheeled me to the NICU. When you enter, the very first room is full of sinks, and you are required to wash your hands and arms up to your elbows. And then you tell them who you are there to see, and we are given a special code for security purposes. And then I was wheeled into her very private room. I saw this incubator and heard all kinds of noises and beeps. And there inside the incubator was the tiniest little person I ever met. There she was! My girl. My daughter. All 2 pounds 9.6 ounces of her (actually she weighed a little less when I saw her). I had seen videos of mothers meeting their babies for the first time in the NICU and/or holding them for the first time, but nothing prepares you for the actual thing happening to YOU!

The infamous monitors with beeps that will scare you if you don't know what they mean

 Our first meeting! Grasping my finger so tightly! 

Her little toes - so precious!

Her teeny hand with beautiful fingers! 

I saw the tiniest little hands and fingers sticking out of various wires, etc. And she had a CPAP on her to help her with breathing. I had been told she came out screaming and breathing on her own, but the doctors described it as a "honeymoon" period and she would likely need help breathing soon after. And she did. The CPAP pretty much covered her whole face. And they were helping her with jaundice, etc so they also had a mask over her eyes because they were putting the bilirubin light on her. So I didn't even really see her face. Mostly I just saw her feet, her little belly, and her hands. I tried to talk to her to see if she remembered my voice. I held her hand, and she had such an amazing grip! I will never forget that grip she gave me. It was like she was saying "Oh Mommy, you are here! I'm not letting go!" I was quite overcome with emotion on that. But I held it together. Both my Mom and I talked to her. It was hard as I was still recovering from my C-section and my feet were like elephants! I was soo swollen! Plus, I was quite exhausted, but I didn't want to be away from her.

The NICU nurses at Kettering Memorial Hospital are pretty great! They always tell me how she is doing and explain anything I may not understand. They are so great with her and from the get-go, they said she was a feisty girl! And this was a common theme from them, that our girl was stubborn and feisty! And I hung onto that. Because that told me that she was going to beat this! God put that feisty spirit in her and she was going to do amazing things! I believe she is way stronger than her mama! She has a fire in her that is God-given!

The last few days in the hospital were emotional to say the least. My incision was doing well, but on the Monday following her birth, I was expecting to leave. However, I had this awful feeling that something was sitting on my chest. It wasn't painful, just made it impossible to breathe well. I couldn't even lay down without being out of breath. So, I brought it up to the nurses and doctors. They were concerned after going through various checks that it could be a blood clot, so I went and had an MRI and a PET scan! After all those checks, everything came back normal. I had high blood pressure still, but nothing else. But after staying another day, and after going to the bathroom A LOT, everyone believes it was just an excessive amount of fluid built up. But that last night...was the hardest. I needed permission to leave my floor and I needed someone to wheel me down to the NICU to see my daughter, and at first, it seemed like I wasn't getting answers from doctors or nurses about what was going on with my health. I was away from my husband and son too, and I was depressed. It was emotional to say the least, and I felt VERY alone that last night in the hospital. I finally got to see my daughter that night in the NICU around 9 PM. It was soo quiet, and she was sleeping. I just watched her for over an hour. I sang to her. I talked to her. I sat still and just took her in. Somehow, I felt better after all of that. I think my daughter brings me hope. I figure if she can endure all the crap she is going through as a new little person on this earth, I need to hold it together for her. Again - she is soooo much stronger than me.

Last day for Mommy at the hospital, but I could finally see her eyes uncovered

In the days that followed, I have had my stitches and wound vac taken out. I have gone back most days of the week to see my girl. That first week and a half was rough as I wasn't allowed to drive, so I had to wait on Todd to take me. But when I was given the go ahead to drive, I try to get there at least 4 times a week. I am still working as I want to save that time off for when she comes home. So that's been hard. Here I am, I have this baby who is in the hospital, and I am working. But at the same time, work has helped keep my mind busy. And I need that right now. Otherwise, I would be crying A LOT more!

There is more to Alexandria's story, but I will have to share that later. I just wanted to take some time to talk about the actual birth. The craziness that was that night, and how it all came so suddenly. Because most just knew that we were going to take care of my pre-E with blood pressure pills, etc. It's amazing how that plan just went out the window. And I know someday, I will look back on all of this and see how God orchestrated so much of what happened. And I am starting to see some of that now. But, it's been hard to wrap my heart and head around all of this.

My body failed me and my girl. And for the second time! Both of the children I have given birth to have had crazy births involving emergency C-sections and requiring them to hurry to save both our lives. And our very first baby that never lived outside my body died as well in 2012. It's hard not to see all of that and not get emotional. I am their mother and I am supposed to protect them, and if not in my body, where else? I mean, it has taken a HUGE toll on me emotionally thinking about that. I am told by people to not think about that, but how can I not? I know of several women pregnant now or were pregnant, and have had healthy/no issues or concerns with their pregnancies. Their bodies protected their babies. But mine - mine has failed my babies 3 times. It's hard not to get upset over that.

At the same time, I still try to look at the goodness of God and how He provided during this time. And the prayers of all of you were there! Your faithfulness to pray for us was incredible and quite possibly one of the very reasons I am alive speaking to you today. I am alive and my daughter is alive. And I have heard from friends and family who have said they had several people praying as well in time zones around the world. And I had people who were strangers message me words of comfort and hope. It was and has been incredible the amount of love and support we have had. So despite the hard stuff, the love from people and the prayer support has been inspiring. And I do believe that prayer works even more because my health was in bad shape, and I should have died with the problems and blood pressure I was having. I should have died because most anyone else would have. But I didn't. And that's a miracle! So thank you to those who prayed and lifted us up and to God as well for taking care of me and my girl.

And one last thing - our first baby we ever conceived died in July 2012 through a miscarriage. And he would have been born in February (mid-February) 2013. And when I think about how hard of an experience that was, and then I think about how our baby girl was conceived in July and ended up being born in February (not April), I can't help but see God's Hands in that. He took a broken part of us and is restoring it. If you don't know much about God, He loves to illustrate His love to us by redeeming brokenness and painful times. Turning ashes to beauty. And July and February have always had points in there for us that were painful reminders of our lost child in heaven. And yet, God has given us another beautiful blessing during those times of loss. Not as a replacement, but as a way to say, "I know what you have gone through and I am turning your pain and sadness to joy." And so even though this has been hard to see my baby girl in the NICU, and I am still quite sad about a lot of it, God has been working on my heart and I am working through the emotions of it all. And I see and believe that God is going to do some amazing things in the life of this beautiful little girl. The NICU journey is hard. And I won't always be perfect at handling it all, but I am expecting God to do some amazing things through our girl and her life! I have more to share, but that's for another time.

Thank you again for your continued prayers. We do need them! But thank you for the prayers and love and encouragement. We couldn't do this without you! We couldn't!

I will end this post with the photo from the first time I got to hold Alexandria (8 days after birth)! It was a momentous occasion!