Five Years Old...Already!

Dearest Caleb,

If you only knew the depth of my love. I have gushed about you in a video (shared below). I've told your birth story in other letters, and I have talked about how much you make me proud. And more recently, I have heard you say to Daddy, "Mommy likes to hug me and tell me she loves me all the time." It's true. But I'd like to give you a little insight into why.

You are a breath of fresh air. When the world around me doesn't make sense, your innocence and zest for life is beautiful. There is so much about you I just admire. And it's not because you got it from me or your Daddy. It's because it is you.

I have seen you grow up so much in the past year, that I am in complete awe. Sure, you still act your age and have tantrums periodically and you tell us No and sass us. All normal things. But, when I see how much you care for other people, and how you want to pray for the bad people who took Mommy's purse. Or the way you even pray that Jesus has a good day. Or how you want to know what God eats. Or how you ask about how things are made or done and just trust that Mommy has the answer (I don't always). How you have faith that if someone is sick, that all we have to do is pray and God will help them. Your faith is exactly as God wants us all to have in Him. You have taught me so many lessons in my own life!

The way you love your sister and the way you take care of her is incredible. You are truly the best big brother I have ever seen. You took to her instantly and that first night, you had us in tears watching you reading to her. I have not seen a big brother act so beautifully as you do with her. Alexandria is incredibly blessed to have you as her big brother, and I am so thankful she has someone as strong-willed and compassionate as you on her side. I know that as you both grow up, she will always have an advocate in you, and that's special.

You are incredibly polite and say please and thank you, even when I wouldn't expect you to say it. How sometimes you even say "I'm so proud of you Mommy!" It's so sweet. You always seem to know how to turn me into putty! I don't know how many times you have put your arms around me and just told me you loved me or that I was the best Mommy, and you just melt me. I am the one that is blessed to have you as my son!

You have learned some tough lessons this year in pre-K where you had to learn patience and waiting your turn, and now you just do it. This time last year, we would get frustrated with you because you didn't want to wait and you would throw a tantrum. But pre-K helped you learn some of those things. How you are so sociable with anyone who is at a playground and you instantly call them your friends.  You have learned how to write your name, you can write all the letters of the alphabet lower and uppercase, and you can count literally all the way to 100. We can tell you are more number oriented just by how easy numbers and very basic math are to you. You get most of that from your Daddy. You have learned the sounds of each of the letters, and you are starting to learn some very basic words. We will learn more this summer for sure!

You are so loyal to your family. I like to think you got some of that from me. You don't let anyone mess with your sister, and if you think I am even being "unreasonable" with her, you tell me. Or when you told me about how you yelled at the "bad guy" that took my purse, and when I asked you if you were scared, you said "No! I was just so mad that he took your purse. It wasn't his and I yelled really loud at him and told him that!" No one messes with your family! You are super protective of us.

You are very open with your feelings, and make sure you let us know if your feelings are hurt, if you are mad, if you are sad, if you are frustrated, etc. These are good things. And I want you to know, you can always trust us with your feelings. Always! We try to make sure that you always have an outlet and feel like we hear your feelings. We may not agree with everything you say, but we will always hear you out and what you have to say to us. Always.

You have grown up even in the food you eat. You used to be the pickiest eater ever. But now you eat most things you are given at school. We have learned you don't like the school's eggs or sausage, but that's okay. You don't have to like everything. But your favorite food is still pizza! No doubt about it! I kind of blame myself on that because when I was pregnant with you, I ate A LOT of pizza. It was so bad that even you Daddy got tired of how much pizza we were eating! Haha!

I just adore you, my sweet boy. Even when you are in trouble or acting out, the maturity in you has gotten so that you always, and I do mean always come out and apologize for your behavior. You can't stand being mad at us for too long, and honestly, we don't like being mad at you either. And there have been times where we were the ones that messed up and had to apologize to you. We aren't perfect...not by a long shot. We make mistakes. But what's so amazing is when we say we are sorry, you always tell us you forgive us. I love this open communication we have, and I have to say, I don't look forward to the teenage years because usually that is when communication is lacking. But, I want you to know, there isn't a single thing you could say to us that would change our love for you. Not a single thing. Even if we disagree with you, we will ALWAYS love you. Always! So try to remember this when you become a teenager.

I have so much I look forward to doing with you in the future. And yet, there is a part of me that wants you to stay little forever. But, I know God has incredible things in your future. How do I know this? When the odds were against you even being conceived, you were! God made YOU happen! He told a family friend about you before we even knew for sure if we would ever have you. You were always a promised son! I had your name in my head since I was young. And it was no accident because Caleb was always going to be your  name. But it was funny, and God confirmed this in a dream to your Daddy, but He changed your middle name to Isaac. Mommy initially thought of Michael. But, because of all we went through to even having you, Isaac is way more appropriate. And someday, you will understand why we say that. Sarah and Abraham so desperately wanted children and they waited WAY longer than we ever did. They were really old when they finally had Isaac. And then God tested Abraham's faith to see if he was even willing to sacrifice his desires for what God wanted. God rewarded him for his faith. And see, your Daddy and I went through a lot of waiting for you. Soo many things that I don't want to go into in here, but we had to resign ourselves to the possibility of never having our dream of having kids as well. And because we chose to trust God and lay that down, He gave us you! So your middle name...it was meant to be!  God knew you well before you were ever conceived, and He has a plan, a purpose that is just yours. You are known fully by the God of the Universe, and I hope we always lead you to Him.

It is a privilege to be your mother! I can't think of a greater privilege than to be yours and Alexandria's mom. You fill my life with more joy than you can ever know. So hopefully this helps you understand a little bit of why I am so proud of you. And why I love you so very much.

Happiest of birthdays to my Caleb Isaac. My best little man. My cuddle bug. My buddy. Here's to another incredible year! I look forward to making more memories!

Love,
Mommy (Your biggest fan!)

Tribute Video to my Caleb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkvNfmA3So4

Letter to an Old Friend

Hi there, what's going on
Life is pretty crazy but I was thinking of you
You know that song we used to sing at the top of our lungs
Yeah I remember those times
We did so many stupid things back then
But so many fun things too
I look back and think of you so often
I remember staying up late talking
Laughing til we cried
Talking about real stuff
and accepting the good and bad
in each other
I remember that even if you didn't agree
we could still get over it and we were fine
Now, here we are
we have kids and spouses and life has moved on
Life isn't quite how I expected
Don't get me wrong, I am happy
I love my family more than words
I am grateful for all I do have
But I pictured celebrating our kids birthdays together
I pictured crazy fun get-togethers
Our kids didn't have to be best friends
But they still had fun together
I pictured girls nights while our husbands would stay home with the kids
I pictured us there for each other during all events
Good or tragic
Beautiful or sad
I pictured us together
I never really had that, you know
I moved around a lot and so friendships mean so very much to me
Because I never got to keep friends for longer than three years
And we made it well past three years
And then something happened
And now you are somebody I used to know
My heart aches still
I think of you often as I said
I really wish my kids knew you
I often pictured them running to you with hugs as well
Because we weren't just friends, we were family
And I have found it very hard to make new friends
Because I don't think I can go through that again
This isn't a guilt trip, I promise
Perhaps you were supposed to be just a season
I hope you are doing well, I do
I pray for you and your family
I miss you
I miss our friendship
I miss the memories
Know my heart when I say
I truly wish only the very best for you
And if you want to talk,
You are always welcome
Because no matter the distance and time
I'll always hold a special place in my heart for you!

~ S. Taber

Happy 1st Birthday To You, Alexandria Grace!

To my darling Alexandria Grace on her 1st Birthday!

How is it possible that it has been a year since your very dramatic entrance into the world?! I still remember most every detail leading up to your birth. I remember going to see my doctor and had hoped that they would teach me the right way to use a blood pressure monitor at home. I didn't believe that my high blood pressure was really that high. I kept seeing 175 or 188 (for the top number), and I was convinced I was doing it wrong. I mean, I was on BP meds and I "felt fine". But I had just gotten so used to it, I didn't even know how dangerous it was for me. We had managed to push off your delivery for another two weeks after they initially wanted to deliver you at 28 weeks. So even though my OB said it was very high and that my protein was also very high, I still expected to check into the hospital and take medication and you would be fine. I expected to see your Daddy the next few days after work and keep busy in the hospital with work. I had my laptop with me as well. I really thought the hospital doctors (not my OB doctors) were just hungry to get you out well before you were ready. I didn't understand my situation. I mean, I "knew" logically what preeclampsia meant, and my BP was high and I had high protein in my urine. I knew the logic, but I didn't "feel" sick. I didn't feel like I was in any danger. I couldn't get past that feeling that I "felt fine." And since they did all kinds of checks on you, you were doing great. Everyone was saying your heart rates were fine and didn't have concerns about you whatsoever. So I really didn't feel like we should be giving birth to you yet. I mean, the day of your birth, I had worked from noon until your Daddy came home from work to take me to the hospital. How insane is that?!

Well we checked in and then they took blood for labs, and checked my BP. My BP was still high. They were getting ready to give me another steroid shot for your lungs (two weeks prior they had already given me a steroid shot). They had me admitted for sure, and we explained to them that we just wanted to keep my BP under control and didn't want to deliver yet. Your Daddy had left to pick up your brother from Jane (she was your first babysitter). I just expected to spend time in the hospital to monitor and keep my BP under control, after all, we did that the first time two weeks prior. And your Daddy hadn't been gone maybe 20-25 minutes (not even to Jane's yet), when they told me that my labs came back already, and I was in HELLPs (hemolysis, elevated liver enzyme levels, and low platelet levels). This essentially means my body's organs were starting to shut down and my life was in danger. And I knew what this meant because I had done research about it well before. So then I called your Daddy to tell him you were coming. He got it worked out that Jane would watch your brother and stay the night, while Daddy would come back to the hospital for your birth. I also called your grandparents. I was so scared. I didn't want you to be born too early because I didn't know if you could survive such an early arrival. I had heard from doctors that 30-weekers had a pretty high survival rate, but there could be complications, etc. Your Daddy had a vision from God that said you would be okay, so he wasn't as worried. I should have held steadfast to that promise God gave Daddy. But I didn't. All I knew was I was scared. For you. As a mom, all thoughts of yourself go out the window. You will see someday when you have children. All I cared about was you.

And then your heart rate started to drop, and I'm telling you, sweet girl, those nurses were on it! They got us out of the room and into the operating room super fast when they detected your heart rate was starting to drop. I was impressed! Your birth certificate says you were born at 8:10 PM, and I do remember seeing the clock in the operating room as I was wheeled in say 8:06 PM. So, they got you out fast! You were born at 8:10 PM on February 8, 2018, and you weighted 2 pounds, 9.6 ounces and were 15 inches long. I am sad that I didn't get to hear your first cries and see your face because they had to knock me out. Your Daddy wasn't even there yet (he was on his way). So it breaks my heart that we didn't get to see you first thing. But they told us you came out screaming!

And I didn't get to see you until you were 2 days old. Your Daddy and grandparents saw you in the NICU after you were born and I saw pictures on their phones of you. It felt completely surreal because of all the medications I was on. It was kind of a hazy time. I remember it, but I was also sleeping a lot the first 24 hours.

On the day we first met (February 10th), I had to approve a chest tube being placed inside you because of a collapsed lung and you needing surfactant in your lungs. So I couldn't see you that morning because of the procedure. However, that afternoon, your Grandma came with me (Daddy had to stay home because your brother was very sick, and they didn't want you to get the germs). I am glad I wasn't alone because I will admit, I was seriously nervous what my reaction would be when I would see you. I had so many emotions about meeting you. I loved you with my bursting heart, but I was afraid of crying and breaking down. I didn't know what to expect. And then when your Grandma took me down to the NICU to see you, I had to wash my arms and hands very well, and then we met. You were seriously the tiniest thing I ever saw. You had tubes and wires ALL OVER! There were only little parts of you exposed that showed your skin. Your eyes and most of your face was covered. I couldn't even see if you had a dimple in your chin (like I have). I found out later that you have a chin just like Daddy. I couldn't see your eyes. I couldn't see much of your body. But I did see the spot they put the chest tube in, and I saw your body breathing (seemed so fast to me). I saw your hands and feet. And you loved to kick your feet out of the swaddle/enclosure. You fingers were so tiny, yet I saw so much detail. Your fingers and toes looked so long to me.

I talked to you to let you know I was there. And after they taught me how to open up your incubator correctly to ensure there was no heat loss (because you still needed to learn how to maintain temperature), I reached my hand inside to touch your hand. You had the most amazing grip! I was impressed with how tight you held me. I really felt like you were saying "Oh it's you! I have missed you, Mommy!" I was very puffy and bloated from all the medication, so standing up was tough. I had to periodically sit back down, but I didn't let go of your hand. I didn't want to stop holding your hand. We (Grandma and I) talked to you. I couldn't get used to the beeping. Those sounds still haunt me. Knowledge was power, so I did eventually get less scared. But those beeps told us if you weren't breathing, or if your hear rate was too low, etc. As I reflect on this, I still have tears well up. Oh baby girl, my heart was full of so much love and fear. I should have held onto Jesus better and trusted Him better than I did. But, I didn't. I was scared and the hormones and anxiety of it all really did rush over me. I held it together while I was there with you because I wanted to be strong for you. But, I'll admit, after Grandma left and I was by myself, I cried! I cried a lot! Here I was, a Mom to a very premature baby, and I couldn't do a thing to help you. Other than pray and touch you where I could, and talk to you when I could. But otherwise, I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't even hold you yet because of the chest tube. It was truly the hardest thing feeling so helpless. I'm your Momma...I'm supposed to be there always and take care of you. I had to entrust you into the care of doctors and nurses. And at first, I was very much resistant to it. I didn't want to. I didn't trust that they would care for you like I would.

But my darling girl, you showed yourself to be a strong fighter. A warrior! You had the nickname by most of the NICU nurses as feisty Alexandria! You eventually got the chest tube taken out and I held you on your 8th day of life for the first time. Nothing better than when I first held you. It was wonderful to finally have you in my arms! Or when we did skin to skin! I watched your temperature and heart rate, etc all improve drastically just because we were skin to skin. It was a miraculous time! And then as the days went on, you kept getting bigger, stronger, and we got to see more of your personality. I visited you every week at least 4 or 5 days. I had to work still because I was saving my time for when you would come home. And those 57 days in the NICU were truly the hardest days! I wanted you home with us, but you had to stay there. You had to get stronger and better. And I learned over time how much those nurses really did care about you. And you still had to learn how to maintain temperature. You had to learn how to breathe on room air. You had to learn how to suck and eat from a bottle. And you would make two steps forward, and sometimes one step back and that's how it was for 57 days.

Nothing could have prepared me for how wonderful it felt bringing you home! When you passed the car seat test and they gave us the green light, I was NEVER happier! And your brother hadn't met you until you came home because it was RSV/flu season, and no children were allowed in the hospital to prevent germs. So he finally met you on Day 58! As you were growing inside me, he would kiss my belly and talk to you. He told me many times that no one would ever mess with his baby. You were his baby! He loved you before he even met you! And then when he did meet you, I kind of expected resistance. But, he was all about you! He wanted to hold you, kiss you, read to you (which was truly one of the sweetest things we ever saw), and he wanted to just help. He adored you from Day 1. And you did too! I just know you knew how much he loved you and you admired him so much. You wanted to do whatever he was doing. He was such an encourager in the coming weeks as you were learning to lift your head or eat or start scooting, or clap your hands, etc. He was truly one of your biggest fans!

It's been a long road to get to this year mark, and it hasn't always been easy. You have had some setbacks/delays in some things, but you never gave up! You are a fighter! Even now as you learn to stand and crawl, you push yourself!  You may complain, but you NEVER give up. You might whine a little and cry, but then you try again, and again. I love that about you! You are stubborn! That can be a great asset in your life. You come from a long line of stubborn people! Your Momma included. I really do believe you are a tough cookie, and can truly hold your own. You inspire me. You are my hero! Yes, my sweet daughter, you are my hero.I watched you grow from a 2 pound 9.6 ounce tiny little thing to a beautiful 18/19 pound baby girl! You are truly amazing to me!

And God has been in the thick of it all as well. He has been holding you (all of us really) through it all. Even in my doubts or fears, He held us! He brought people to encourage me, and that would also in turn help me to be strong for you. I couldn't have done it without supportive people like your grandparents and aunt Jen and Uncle Wes, Aunt Reva, Aunt Cheryl, your Great Grandma Jeannie, Jane (your first babysitter), our wonderful friends in Ohio, a few very close and dear friends in Philadelphia you have never met, a few people in Virginia (people I haven't even met), and really so many people all over the country. And even all over the world as I was told by several people. So, sweetheart, never underestimate the power of prayer. Prayer can move mountains. He obviously has an amazing purpose for you here on this earth. You, my darling daughter, are a miracle! It's really amazing because God gave us two miracle babies! I mean, we weren't even sure we would be able to have children. And after much struggle, He blessed us with your brother when we were ready to give up on having children. And when the odds were again against us having another, He gave us you. I don't think I can express enough how grateful I am to God for bringing you into my life. I am not a perfect mom, and I will never ever claim to be. I mess up a lot. But, if there is one thing I have and continue to learn is He uses people who appear to be "failures" or the "underdog" to do amazing things. He uses the imperfect to do His work! If there is anything I can say about this year is that in the midst of the fears, tears, pain, joys, laughter, memories, He was there! He gave me strength and wisdom when I had none. He was always there. And He will continue to always be there for you! You are an overcomer with Jesus! There is NOTHING you can't do with Him! And I'm most blessed to join in your journey as your Momma! I put together a special video of your first year! I hope you someday look back on this and see how much we loved you then and still do!

Alexandria's First Birthday Video

God has given me so much I don't deserve. But, Wow! Thank you Jesus that I have you! That today on your birthday, I get to spend the day with you and celebrate you! You are a very special gift! I love you with every part of my being! Whole bunches! Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet pea!

Love,
Your Momma

Shouting My Story instead...

Most know that I am very pro-life. I am not crazy as I am NOT okay with physical violence of abortion workers or clinics. I would never condone that. But, I believe without LIFE, you can't really do anything with any of the other rights our Constitution gives us. It's ironic to see a quote (shown above) about the importance of life being given a chance for its full potential from Barack Obama, and then knowing he was very much in favor of abortions up to partial birth. Shocking really. 

I have seen a lot about "Shouting your abortion," and I watched a video recently where I saw a celebrity shout with excitement where she had "her first abortion" and how wonderful it was. I heard cackles of laughter and cheering as she discussed it, and also when she would tear apart people like myself who are against it. And then I heard them talk about sending their abortion stories to an email. So instead of doing that, I sent them my story. My story has validity in this argument. And many of the women I met who had babies early on like I did, they can relate and understand it even more so now. When you watch a baby born early and see their humanity. When you see what technology makes possible that now a 21 weeker can survive. It's astonishing to me that we even have to have this discussion. But, I felt like maybe someone who would read it, might read it without any mention of God (though, I will be honest, I believe He is the reason we have this beautiful girl), and it might make them think. I didn't attack them. I just stated my story. So here is what I sent:


"I don't know who reads these emails, but I wanted to share my story with you. I was slightly over 24 weeks when I found out my daughter supposedly had IUGR and wasn't growing, despite the fact that we had only 1 screening.  However the specialist tried to tell me that if I had come in before then (legally in Ohio, you can't abort after 24 weeks), we could have "done something about my pregnancy."  And yes she was referring to abortion, but couldn't say it outright because it was a religious hospital. Scientifically, one screening is not a trend and does not indicate anything. So when we scheduled another screening a week later, it showed my daughter was actually growing. She was small, but not "too small." 

I had preeclampsia signs around 26 weeks, and then at 28 weeks, they put me in the hospital to monitor. They wanted to deliver her then and there, but I got my blood pressure back down. I didn't want to have her come so early because I was concerned about her health more over than my own. So then she got to 30 weeks, and we couldn't wait any longer because my body was literally going to shut down, so she was delivered 10 weeks early. She's a medical miracle. She had to have a chest tube put in because her lungs needed help with development. But no brain bleeds or issues like that whatsoever. But after that, she continued to grow and develop and did amazingly well. 

And in less than a month, we celebrate her 1 year birthday. Why am I sharing this at "shout your abortion?" You probably don't even give a damn and when you realized this wasn't about abortion, you probably already deleted it. But if you have read this entire story...think about this. What if...what if I had found out at 24 weeks that she was too small and just believed the "doctors" and made the decision to end her life because of whatever the doctor said. Just trust the doctors, right? I'm an engineer, so I believe wholeheartedly in science. And my daughter...she has beaten tons of odds. Her very conception is a freakin' miracle! I have battled infertility and PCOS for years! My husband and I weren't trying. We didn't have any fertility drugs like we had used at other times. But even with my history of infertility and my PCOS, she was conceived. And then when they said she was too small after only one scan, we said we believed she would be just fine knowing full well that one scan means nothing. If you are a scientist, you would laugh at one data point too. And then, I put myself through hell to ensure her stay in body as long as possible. She and I could have died, but we didn't. And then even born at 10 weeks early, she could have breathed only for a few minutes and died, had all kinds of brain defects, health problems, etc. But she overcame those.

I was scared of having another kid. I have one that was a miracle too already. But I was scared of being a working mom and taking care of two kids. I wasn't sure I even wanted another child. But if I had given up on her, I wouldn't get to know the amazing little girl she is! I wouldn't have witnessed miracle after miracle after miracle watching her grow up! Her smile is quite literally the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life! She deserved to be. She deserved to show the world that she was a fighter. I mean, when she was only 8 weeks, we could see her dancing. And she always gave the technicians a hard time finding her heart. She would always hide from the nurses. She was feisty. And she loved to dance in the womb. She would hear music and dance. It was beautiful. And now today, she is incredibly strong, very feisty and wants what she wants, and loves to dance! I learned things about her in the womb because she was already a person in there. She was a person with personality already! She had preferences. She enjoyed music. She showed  me so much about her and then to see her after birth, to see those same attributes. I would have missed out on so much! 

When you take away a person's right to live, you are taking away a future. Planned Parenthood was started by a racist! Margaret Sanger wanted to expunge the entire existence of African Americans. Go look it up if you don't believe me. She didn't give a damn about people who are underprivileged. And before you ask....I do care about the woman who is scared. I was scared too. Lots of women have abortions with less fears than I had. But I still had my daughter. I had her because she deserved to be. Whether she lived minutes or days, she had a natural human right to live. A right that our very Constitution is supposed to give to all of us. LIFE, LIBERTY, and the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. There are millions of women who would love to take care of your baby if you don't want to or can't. So many women who struggle to conceive. And there are so many groups that show you that things don't have to end with a dead baby. Adoption is always a choice. And there are groups that also help women provide for their babies so they can mother their babies and make a life too. I give and volunteer for those kinds of groups, so I do put my money where my mouth is. And someday, we may end up adopting too. It's unfortunate that it is way easier to kill a life than it is to adopt in this country. That shouldn't be. So no, I am not shouting any abortion. But I will spread LIFE. And I hope you read my story and it made you think."