How is it possible that it has been a year since your very dramatic entrance into the world?! I still remember most every detail leading up to your birth. I remember going to see my doctor and had hoped that they would teach me the right way to use a blood pressure monitor at home. I didn't believe that my high blood pressure was really that high. I kept seeing 175 or 188 (for the top number), and I was convinced I was doing it wrong. I mean, I was on BP meds and I "felt fine". But I had just gotten so used to it, I didn't even know how dangerous it was for me. We had managed to push off your delivery for another two weeks after they initially wanted to deliver you at 28 weeks. So even though my OB said it was very high and that my protein was also very high, I still expected to check into the hospital and take medication and you would be fine. I expected to see your Daddy the next few days after work and keep busy in the hospital with work. I had my laptop with me as well. I really thought the hospital doctors (not my OB doctors) were just hungry to get you out well before you were ready. I didn't understand my situation. I mean, I "knew" logically what preeclampsia meant, and my BP was high and I had high protein in my urine. I knew the logic, but I didn't "feel" sick. I didn't feel like I was in any danger. I couldn't get past that feeling that I "felt fine." And since they did all kinds of checks on you, you were doing great. Everyone was saying your heart rates were fine and didn't have concerns about you whatsoever. So I really didn't feel like we should be giving birth to you yet. I mean, the day of your birth, I had worked from noon until your Daddy came home from work to take me to the hospital. How insane is that?!
Well we checked in and then they took blood for labs, and checked my BP. My BP was still high. They were getting ready to give me another steroid shot for your lungs (two weeks prior they had already given me a steroid shot). They had me admitted for sure, and we explained to them that we just wanted to keep my BP under control and didn't want to deliver yet. Your Daddy had left to pick up your brother from Jane (she was your first babysitter). I just expected to spend time in the hospital to monitor and keep my BP under control, after all, we did that the first time two weeks prior. And your Daddy hadn't been gone maybe 20-25 minutes (not even to Jane's yet), when they told me that my labs came back already, and I was in HELLPs (hemolysis, elevated liver enzyme levels, and low platelet levels). This essentially means my body's organs were starting to shut down and my life was in danger. And I knew what this meant because I had done research about it well before. So then I called your Daddy to tell him you were coming. He got it worked out that Jane would watch your brother and stay the night, while Daddy would come back to the hospital for your birth. I also called your grandparents. I was so scared. I didn't want you to be born too early because I didn't know if you could survive such an early arrival. I had heard from doctors that 30-weekers had a pretty high survival rate, but there could be complications, etc. Your Daddy had a vision from God that said you would be okay, so he wasn't as worried. I should have held steadfast to that promise God gave Daddy. But I didn't. All I knew was I was scared. For you. As a mom, all thoughts of yourself go out the window. You will see someday when you have children. All I cared about was you.
And then your heart rate started to drop, and I'm telling you, sweet girl, those nurses were on it! They got us out of the room and into the operating room super fast when they detected your heart rate was starting to drop. I was impressed! Your birth certificate says you were born at 8:10 PM, and I do remember seeing the clock in the operating room as I was wheeled in say 8:06 PM. So, they got you out fast! You were born at 8:10 PM on February 8, 2018, and you weighted 2 pounds, 9.6 ounces and were 15 inches long. I am sad that I didn't get to hear your first cries and see your face because they had to knock me out. Your Daddy wasn't even there yet (he was on his way). So it breaks my heart that we didn't get to see you first thing. But they told us you came out screaming!
And I didn't get to see you until you were 2 days old. Your Daddy and grandparents saw you in the NICU after you were born and I saw pictures on their phones of you. It felt completely surreal because of all the medications I was on. It was kind of a hazy time. I remember it, but I was also sleeping a lot the first 24 hours.
On the day we first met (February 10th), I had to approve a chest tube being placed inside you because of a collapsed lung and you needing surfactant in your lungs. So I couldn't see you that morning because of the procedure. However, that afternoon, your Grandma came with me (Daddy had to stay home because your brother was very sick, and they didn't want you to get the germs). I am glad I wasn't alone because I will admit, I was seriously nervous what my reaction would be when I would see you. I had so many emotions about meeting you. I loved you with my bursting heart, but I was afraid of crying and breaking down. I didn't know what to expect. And then when your Grandma took me down to the NICU to see you, I had to wash my arms and hands very well, and then we met. You were seriously the tiniest thing I ever saw. You had tubes and wires ALL OVER! There were only little parts of you exposed that showed your skin. Your eyes and most of your face was covered. I couldn't even see if you had a dimple in your chin (like I have). I found out later that you have a chin just like Daddy. I couldn't see your eyes. I couldn't see much of your body. But I did see the spot they put the chest tube in, and I saw your body breathing (seemed so fast to me). I saw your hands and feet. And you loved to kick your feet out of the swaddle/enclosure. You fingers were so tiny, yet I saw so much detail. Your fingers and toes looked so long to me.
I talked to you to let you know I was there. And after they taught me how to open up your incubator correctly to ensure there was no heat loss (because you still needed to learn how to maintain temperature), I reached my hand inside to touch your hand. You had the most amazing grip! I was impressed with how tight you held me. I really felt like you were saying "Oh it's you! I have missed you, Mommy!" I was very puffy and bloated from all the medication, so standing up was tough. I had to periodically sit back down, but I didn't let go of your hand. I didn't want to stop holding your hand. We (Grandma and I) talked to you. I couldn't get used to the beeping. Those sounds still haunt me. Knowledge was power, so I did eventually get less scared. But those beeps told us if you weren't breathing, or if your hear rate was too low, etc. As I reflect on this, I still have tears well up. Oh baby girl, my heart was full of so much love and fear. I should have held onto Jesus better and trusted Him better than I did. But, I didn't. I was scared and the hormones and anxiety of it all really did rush over me. I held it together while I was there with you because I wanted to be strong for you. But, I'll admit, after Grandma left and I was by myself, I cried! I cried a lot! Here I was, a Mom to a very premature baby, and I couldn't do a thing to help you. Other than pray and touch you where I could, and talk to you when I could. But otherwise, I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't even hold you yet because of the chest tube. It was truly the hardest thing feeling so helpless. I'm your Momma...I'm supposed to be there always and take care of you. I had to entrust you into the care of doctors and nurses. And at first, I was very much resistant to it. I didn't want to. I didn't trust that they would care for you like I would.
But my darling girl, you showed yourself to be a strong fighter. A warrior! You had the nickname by most of the NICU nurses as feisty Alexandria! You eventually got the chest tube taken out and I held you on your 8th day of life for the first time. Nothing better than when I first held you. It was wonderful to finally have you in my arms! Or when we did skin to skin! I watched your temperature and heart rate, etc all improve drastically just because we were skin to skin. It was a miraculous time! And then as the days went on, you kept getting bigger, stronger, and we got to see more of your personality. I visited you every week at least 4 or 5 days. I had to work still because I was saving my time for when you would come home. And those 57 days in the NICU were truly the hardest days! I wanted you home with us, but you had to stay there. You had to get stronger and better. And I learned over time how much those nurses really did care about you. And you still had to learn how to maintain temperature. You had to learn how to breathe on room air. You had to learn how to suck and eat from a bottle. And you would make two steps forward, and sometimes one step back and that's how it was for 57 days.
Nothing could have prepared me for how wonderful it felt bringing you home! When you passed the car seat test and they gave us the green light, I was NEVER happier! And your brother hadn't met you until you came home because it was RSV/flu season, and no children were allowed in the hospital to prevent germs. So he finally met you on Day 58! As you were growing inside me, he would kiss my belly and talk to you. He told me many times that no one would ever mess with his baby. You were his baby! He loved you before he even met you! And then when he did meet you, I kind of expected resistance. But, he was all about you! He wanted to hold you, kiss you, read to you (which was truly one of the sweetest things we ever saw), and he wanted to just help. He adored you from Day 1. And you did too! I just know you knew how much he loved you and you admired him so much. You wanted to do whatever he was doing. He was such an encourager in the coming weeks as you were learning to lift your head or eat or start scooting, or clap your hands, etc. He was truly one of your biggest fans!
It's been a long road to get to this year mark, and it hasn't always been easy. You have had some setbacks/delays in some things, but you never gave up! You are a fighter! Even now as you learn to stand and crawl, you push yourself! You may complain, but you NEVER give up. You might whine a little and cry, but then you try again, and again. I love that about you! You are stubborn! That can be a great asset in your life. You come from a long line of stubborn people! Your Momma included. I really do believe you are a tough cookie, and can truly hold your own. You inspire me. You are my hero! Yes, my sweet daughter, you are my hero.I watched you grow from a 2 pound 9.6 ounce tiny little thing to a beautiful 18/19 pound baby girl! You are truly amazing to me!
And God has been in the thick of it all as well. He has been holding you (all of us really) through it all. Even in my doubts or fears, He held us! He brought people to encourage me, and that would also in turn help me to be strong for you. I couldn't have done it without supportive people like your grandparents and aunt Jen and Uncle Wes, Aunt Reva, Aunt Cheryl, your Great Grandma Jeannie, Jane (your first babysitter), our wonderful friends in Ohio, a few very close and dear friends in Philadelphia you have never met, a few people in Virginia (people I haven't even met), and really so many people all over the country. And even all over the world as I was told by several people. So, sweetheart, never underestimate the power of prayer. Prayer can move mountains. He obviously has an amazing purpose for you here on this earth. You, my darling daughter, are a miracle! It's really amazing because God gave us two miracle babies! I mean, we weren't even sure we would be able to have children. And after much struggle, He blessed us with your brother when we were ready to give up on having children. And when the odds were again against us having another, He gave us you. I don't think I can express enough how grateful I am to God for bringing you into my life. I am not a perfect mom, and I will never ever claim to be. I mess up a lot. But, if there is one thing I have and continue to learn is He uses people who appear to be "failures" or the "underdog" to do amazing things. He uses the imperfect to do His work! If there is anything I can say about this year is that in the midst of the fears, tears, pain, joys, laughter, memories, He was there! He gave me strength and wisdom when I had none. He was always there. And He will continue to always be there for you! You are an overcomer with Jesus! There is NOTHING you can't do with Him! And I'm most blessed to join in your journey as your Momma! I put together a special video of your first year! I hope you someday look back on this and see how much we loved you then and still do!
Alexandria's First Birthday Video
God has given me so much I don't deserve. But, Wow! Thank you Jesus that I have you! That today on your birthday, I get to spend the day with you and celebrate you! You are a very special gift! I love you with every part of my being! Whole bunches! Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet pea!
Love,
Your Momma
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