Caleb - You're Four!

Well, Caleb, you are officially 4 years old now! I can't even fathom that we have had you in our lives for so long, and yet I can't imagine a world that doesn't include your beautiful smile, your piercing eyes, and a laughter that is so infectious!

You have had such a busy year! You really started learning how to fish with Gramma and G-Pa at their pond, and with the practice fishing pole you have at home, you learned pretty fast how to cast. You have such a good arm! You started to swim more, as we were hoping to get you into the pool to start helping you learn basics. I hope this next year, we can actually get you some lessons. You still love to go on walks, and you truly do love the park. You tackled fears of going up the rock wall at the park and will now climb it. We have had so many fun dates, you and I, and you still love Hobby Lobby. But then, you love to wrestle with your Daddy, and make up silly stories about how there is a "sea monster" and you and Daddy have to escape. It's hilarious! Where did you learn sea monster? This past year, you had two trips (one to Frankenmuth, Michigan and one to Blacksburg, Virginia). Vacation to you is going to a hotel, watching Disney, playing with trains on the hotel floor (because Gramma brought things to do), eating a lot of food, and sleeping in big beds. You loved Frankenmuth (and I knew you would), especially the Christmas store (again - I knew you would)! You loved visiting your Aunt Jen and Uncle Wes in Virginia for Thanksgiving and gave them so much to laugh about. Apparently you even managed to lock one of their bedroom doors while you were there, and one day they actually closed it and they were locked out of it. Ha!

I know I say this every year, but you have grown up so much this past year! You seem to have this memory that boggles our minds. You memorize TV shows you only watched once, you know the books we read to you like you can actually read those books, and you remember words of songs very easily. Plus you just retain information like it's your job! You started a home school preschool with Mommy and Daddy this past year, and you trace letters and numbers very well.  You even learned how to write your name. It doesn't matter where you see a sign or if you see numbers somewhere, you try to trace the numbers or letters with your fingers now. We have done our own little science experiments like making a volcano from an apple, making a tornado from a bottle, or growing grass from seeds and a sponge. You love "to do school" even if on your own. You soak up everything you learn! I love that. I hope this next year that you continue to be just as excited when you go to Pre-K. Your vocabulary has also just exploded. Words I didn't know you knew, all of sudden you are using them in a sentence. Correctly, I might add. Like "indeed." What 3 year old knows the word indeed? You, my boy! You heard your Daddy and G-Pa say it so often, you just knew it. Funny recent story, you were playing with Daddy in your room, and you were showing me your dinosaur toys. I pointed to the one and said "that's a T-Rex." And you matter-of-factly said "No Mommy! It's a Tyrannosaurus Rex." Well shut me up. Probably one of the funniest times where you corrected me and were absolutely right. Loved it!

And with all those smarts, you are so creative too. You don't care about coloring or really doing much with art projects (with the exception of cutting paper, making fuzzy caterpillars, or playing with stickers); however, your mind is incredibly creative. You have such an imagination. We could be driving somewhere, and you will all of sudden say "Mommy, we gotta be careful, there is a giant over there." Or a dinosaur, or a giant ant, or whatever it is that you think of. You love to pretend that you can get the bad guys and put them in time out! Ha! And with music, you will use songs that already exist and modify them. For instance, you have many versions for Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. When you sing "like a diamond in the sky..." you will replace diamond with a variety of things (such as different shapes, tornadoes, poop, excavators, etc).

And speaking of poop - Haha! You finally got potty trained (mostly). Nighttime is still an issue, but you are mostly good during the day with occasional accidents. And we will work on the nighttime stuff, so no worries. But since we started potty training with you, you are quite obsessed with the word poop. Must be a boy thing! LOL!

Your heart is so tender and sweet too. Since you learned that Mommy was pregnant with your little sister, you suddenly went from this little toddler to a big boy! Even while I was pregnant, you would talk about your baby sister, and how no one would mess with her! I am not sure where you learned that phrase, but you were ready to be a big brother. You would pat my belly, kiss my belly, and pray for her. And when Mommy wouldn't feel good or when I was sick in the bathroom, you took on this comforter role and would rub my head and kiss my cheek and tell me "it's okay, Mommy!" And then when Baby Alex finally came home, you were soo in love with her. I could see it in your eyes. You saw her and I knew you would do anything to protect her and love her. She was your sister and no one would mess with her! You truly do dote on her by the way you want to help with everything. You want to help get her pacifier for her, you tell her everything is okay, you kiss her head all the time, and you want to be around for diaper changes and baths. The first night, while she was sleeping and Mommy and Daddy were handling dinner, you got a book and started reading to her. It was the most adorable thing I ever saw.

But to say that having a new baby sister hasn't impacted your world would be a lie. You do love her, but you do have jealous moments. Especially when she first came home. You acted out a lot and would deliberately do things we told you not to do, etc. We knew it was because you were jealous. One night, when I was putting you to bed, I asked you if you were sad that Mommy had to spend so much time with the baby, and you said yes. I appreciated your honesty. I hope you always feel like you can tell me anything. I do love our night routine. After I feed Alexandria, I put her to bed and then I put you to bed. We go into your room and do our prayers and talk about the day. We even marvel at the cool glowing city on your wall. You love that thing! And you always tell me that you love me. And you ask me to "stay one minute" as you fall asleep before I leave. And so I do. That nighttime routine is valuable to me because we don't always get time just the two of us anymore. And I'm working on that. I hope to figure out ways that you and I can have some "just us" time too. But just know, time spent with you means the world to me.

And as if it weren't enough, you are showing us what an independent big boy you are. You don't seem to have much fear, which is incredible. You want to literally do everything you can for yourself. You want to get your own drinks, your own food, and really don't want us to have to get anything for you. I think it bugs you that you can't get our big front door open yourself because you would if you could. And a few weeks ago, you told me that you didn't need to hold my hand anymore except for crossing the street. I could get sad, but instead I was proud. You were essentially telling me that other than for safety, you can do this! And it's true! You can. You can truly do anything you set your mind to, and that is why I was proud of you in that moment. Sweetheart, I hope you know that your Daddy and I are your biggest fans, and you always have us to cheer you on, provide you unconditional love, and support you as you go for your dreams!

And even though you are my big boy, you are also my firstborn baby! Always will be. You are the rainbow after a storm. Mommy and Daddy always wanted kids and weren't sure if we would ever be parents. But God gave us a tremendous gift when He gave us you. I so look forward to seeing how much you grow and learn in this next year. There will be some challenges I expect. I know you are going to pre-K this fall, and so that will be a big change for you as well because you will be going to pre-K for three days a week, and Jane's only 2 days. And I'm sure this will impact you as I know you like your friends at Jane's. But I pray that you will make amazing friends at school too, and that you love your teachers as well. We tried to find a school that would give you the structure you need, the ability to make friends, and also learn important things before Kindergarten. You seem excited about going to school!

I love you, sweetheart! You make me such a proud mama! I hope this birthday is and has been one of the best, And I hope this next year is full of incredible memories for you! And my hand is still here always for you to hold, should you change your mind! 😉 Happy Birthday, my darling boy!

Love you always,

Mommy

Alexandria Grace - A poem for you

Alexandria Grace - A poem for you

You were born on a cold night in February
about two and half months early
You came into the world screaming
and became an essential part of our world

I saw you for the first time
two days after your birth,
and nothing could have prepared me
for what I saw when I came to you

Wheeled up in a wheelchair
I saw your incubator bed
So many wires and tubes
and scary noises from the monitors

I was afraid to first see you
I was afraid that I would cry,
or even that I would scream
As this was not the plan

But instead, when I saw you
I saw the tiniest little person
With some of the prettiest skin
And adorable feet and hands

I wasn't able to really see your face
You were covered with a CPAP,
and you had a chest tube on one side of you
A procedure I had to approve earlier that morning

But I heard you make little noises
You moved around a lot for a tiny little thing
Your nurses referred to you as feisty
And even your doctors said you had a lot of fierceness in you

I remember talking to you
And your Grandma was there with me
I didn't know exactly what to say
I felt quite clumsy talking to you

What can I say to my beautiful daughter
who was lying there in an incubator
What can I say to make you feel better
Was my voice enough letting you know I loved you?

I don't even remember what was said that first time
But I do remember after being instructed how to touch you
What it was like when I first touched your skin
and touched your hand

I remember the beautiful emotion that came over me
when I reached for your beautiful little fingers
and how tight you held them
As if to say "don't let me go, Mommy!"

It was in that moment I knew.
You did know me, you did.
I knew as you clung to  my finger that we were going to do this
I would hold back my fearful emotions around you

We would push forward and take this journey together
I had to be strong for you
I wanted to be strong because it was you that was fighting
You were showing me how to hold strong

Amazing how at two and a half pounds
You, my sweet girl were showing me how to fight
How to hold strong and keep going
And not to give up

It is you that has inspired me in this entire NICU journey
We sing 'Overcomer' at least once a week
As it brings me comfort and strength
And I even have a video where you smile during it.

You love singing and easy swaying
You love music and can sleep through any crazy noise
And now you love to open your eyes so much more
You are so alert and amazed at the world around you

We have so many talks, you and I
And you have so many talks with you and Daddy
We take turns a lot of the time with one of us taking care of Caleb
While the other one comes to the hospital to see you

It has become part of a "new normal" for us
But, I don't like it
I still want our new normal to be with you at home
I keep holding on hope for that day

We celebrate every ounce, every pound
Every amount of milk you take from a bottle
Every brain scan that comes back as normal
And really every single test that comes back good

We keep holding onto faith
As that is the only thing that keeps us moving
Sometimes, Mommy has breakdowns
I cry over you because of a song I hear or a picture I see

Our life feels like it is on hold until we bring you home
Mommy is still working but as a distraction
Because if I wasn't working, I would fall apart
Mommy isn't as strong as you are.

You take all the pokes and handling
You endure the tests and scans
You take it all like an incredible champ
Even with tears, you are still tough as nails

I cry a lot, but that is mostly when I am alone
It's been emotionally hard to handle
But, I don't want you to feel that
I want you to feel hope and strength

I need that release of tears to push forward though
I rely on those tears to keep going
And sometimes those tears are not of sadness or fear
But of pride

You know baby girl, you have shocked us all
With how amazing you have handled things
You are growing so well
Despite all the odds against you

But that's who God designed you to be
You were created by God and fashioned together
Your future is held by Him
And He knew you well before we did

He knew you would come
during a time that I just didn't see possible
It seemed very unlikely that you would be conceived
And yet, here you are

And throughout my pregnancy, I went through a lot
Always more concerned for your welfare than my own
And even when Mommy was literally at my worst
You were continuing to grow stronger

I feel bad that it was ultimately my body that failed
and caused you to be born so early
But in spite of it, you are proving that God is bigger
And that God can use medical technology to help you grow

So when I get sad or get discouraged,
which happens a lot because I miss you
I try to think of your beautiful face
And all you have overcome so far

I think about what a beautiful blessing you are
And imagine the day when we are together at home
What a joyous day that will be
There will be many tears, but tears of joy!

I love you Alexandria Grace
You and your brother are such beautiful blessings
Beyond my expectations and beyond all fears
You make being a mother so rewarding

I look forward to the future with you here
As you grow into a toddler, a little girl, a teenager, and eventually a woman
I look forward to the ordinary and extraordinary days ahead
I look forward to the future with you!

Alexandria's Birth Story

Alexandria's beautiful little handle gripping my finger on our first meeting! 

Our Alexandria Grace is here! Everyone should know this by now. She has been outside of me for almost a month now, and it feels like it has been so much longer. I am just now at the point where I can talk about that night without anxiety.

Our baby girl is an incredible blessing. Just look at those teeny, tiny fingers! Her birth is an incredible miracle, and from what I hear, my being alive is also a miracle. I didn't think I was in any trouble, and I really thought we could make it to 34 weeks. 

Most knew I was dealing with blood pressure issues and pre-eclampsia. If you want to understand pre-eclampsia, take a look at my previous post. Even when I was writing that post, I didn't think it would ever escalate into HELLP syndrome. I really believed we could just give me some blood pressure medicine and then take care of me at home. And if we couldn't handle the BP meds at home, then I would check into the hospital and we could ward off delivery until 34 weeks when everyone told me we would deliver. This was our plan. We were okay with it, and we felt good about it. We were so sure this would happen. After all, she was doing great inside my body. She wasn't in any distress. She was growing. Her non-stress tests were great. It was just me. I was the problem. But we could fix it enough that I would get through it....except that's not how it happened. 

I had my OB doctor's appointment on Thursday, February 8th. I hated my appointments because my blood pressure was such a pain. I never ever felt like my blood pressure should be high considering how I was feeling. I was always measuring insanely high when I would show up, and then it would eventually decrease. We had even gotten a blood pressure monitor for us at home, and I measured high there, but I thought I was doing it wrong because it was so high. I was sure it was "operator" error. So I took the blood pressure monitor with me that day to see if the nurse could show me what to do and compare with her results there. We didn't get that far. The protein in my urine was as high as you could get it on the test strip they have there in the office. And then they took my BP, and I was in the 190's/110. And that was with my being on blood pressure medicine for the past 3 days. And I was still THAT HIGH! So I had to tell my husband that I had to go to the hospital that afternoon to be admitted. I wasn't having headaches (except for one I had earlier in the week that lasted about a day, but then went away) or nausea or blurred vision. I mean, I drove to the doctor and home that morning. I was fine in my mind. We would get this BP under control at the hospital. Nowhere in our minds did we accept or believe that we would be delivering her.

Kettering Memorial Hospital

So that evening, we checked in around 5:45 PM into Labor and Delivery. They took my BP, and it was super high. They took blood from me for some labs (I wasn't sure all they were analyzing for at the time). Todd had to leave to go pick up Caleb and take him home as he wasn't allowed to be at the hospital because of the flu going around. But we had talked with people at Labor and Delivery that we wanted to just control my blood pressure with BP meds and we were insistent about NOT delivering. In our minds, they were too quick to want to deliver and BP meds should control the problem. So before he left, we both agreed that I would just keep Todd in the loop as to how my BP was doing, and we expected to not see each other until the next day.

Apparently 15-20 minutes later, the labs came back (I never knew labs could come back so fast!). My liver enzymes were elevated and I had very low blood platelet count (ALL associated with HELLPs syndrome). If a baby isn't delivered fast, the baby and mother in that emergency situation can die. And after my own research, when they told me about my blood platelet count, I called my husband immediately to tell him. He had Caleb stay with Jane overnight (we have never done that, but she was more than okay with it and we appreciate her beyond words for doing that), and he rushed back to the hospital. While he was handling things with Jane, Alexandria's heart rate started to drop significantly. She was never in distress before, but she was suddenly experiencing distress!

I remember how fast the nurses moved me out of my room into the operating room. It was super fast because we could no longer wait for my actual OB doctor and we couldn't even wait for Todd to arrive. There was no time for an epidural to allow me to stay awake during the surgery either. I remember being rushed into the OR, and I was freaking out. I was soooo scared. My husband wasn't there with me and we were having this baby. And I had a bazillion fears running through my mind. I remember seeing the time when they wheeled me in, and it was 8:06 PM. A nurse came and held my hand and saw how scared I was, and she stopped right then and said "How about we pray, Sarah?!" And I said okay. And right then, she prayed for me and for Alexandria! And when she said Amen, I heard several others in the room (doctors and nurses) say Amen! I had never experienced anything like that before...doctors and nurses believing in God's power and letting Him use them to make this happen! And so I felt peace wash over me at that point. And literally the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room and Alexandria had been born. (Side note - I saw on her birth certificate she was born at 8:10 PM, so from the time I was wheeled in to the time she was born, it was 4 minutes. That's amazing to me!).

Very first photo of Alexandria Grace

My parents had come as soon as they had talked to both me and Todd before she was born. Todd was there as well. And all three of them met Alexandria before I did. I got to see some photos of her on their phones. But I was soo out of it. The magnesium sulfate they gave me to avoid having a seizure and the drugs they used to knock me out...well let's just say I was not with it. I do remember my parents and Todd talking to me, and they told me how beautiful she was and how big she was (she was born 2 lbs 9.6 oz at 15 inches long). I was impressed with how long she was considering how early she came! 

The rest of my days at the hospital consisted of my getting off of the magnesium sulfate, testing for blood pressure all the time, and finally meeting my baby girl 2 days after I had her. Todd was at home that Saturday because Caleb was congested, and he didn't want to accidentally spread germs to our baby girl. So, my Mom came with me to meet her for the first time in the NICU. Before I went to go see her, a NICU doctor came to my room to tell me that her left lung had a leak, and they would need to put a chest tube in her. And I had to sign off so she could get that. That was my first real job after she had been born. The reality of being the mom of a premature baby truly set in. And now to see her.

The NICU - a place I NEVER expected to enter. A place I feared. I truly feared a place like the NICU. I knew it was a place where babies were hooked up to tubes and wires and scary beeps. And my baby girl was one of those patients. I was scared that I would freak out when I saw her like that. My mom wheeled me to the NICU. When you enter, the very first room is full of sinks, and you are required to wash your hands and arms up to your elbows. And then you tell them who you are there to see, and we are given a special code for security purposes. And then I was wheeled into her very private room. I saw this incubator and heard all kinds of noises and beeps. And there inside the incubator was the tiniest little person I ever met. There she was! My girl. My daughter. All 2 pounds 9.6 ounces of her (actually she weighed a little less when I saw her). I had seen videos of mothers meeting their babies for the first time in the NICU and/or holding them for the first time, but nothing prepares you for the actual thing happening to YOU!

The infamous monitors with beeps that will scare you if you don't know what they mean

 Our first meeting! Grasping my finger so tightly! 

Her little toes - so precious!

Her teeny hand with beautiful fingers! 

I saw the tiniest little hands and fingers sticking out of various wires, etc. And she had a CPAP on her to help her with breathing. I had been told she came out screaming and breathing on her own, but the doctors described it as a "honeymoon" period and she would likely need help breathing soon after. And she did. The CPAP pretty much covered her whole face. And they were helping her with jaundice, etc so they also had a mask over her eyes because they were putting the bilirubin light on her. So I didn't even really see her face. Mostly I just saw her feet, her little belly, and her hands. I tried to talk to her to see if she remembered my voice. I held her hand, and she had such an amazing grip! I will never forget that grip she gave me. It was like she was saying "Oh Mommy, you are here! I'm not letting go!" I was quite overcome with emotion on that. But I held it together. Both my Mom and I talked to her. It was hard as I was still recovering from my C-section and my feet were like elephants! I was soo swollen! Plus, I was quite exhausted, but I didn't want to be away from her.

The NICU nurses at Kettering Memorial Hospital are pretty great! They always tell me how she is doing and explain anything I may not understand. They are so great with her and from the get-go, they said she was a feisty girl! And this was a common theme from them, that our girl was stubborn and feisty! And I hung onto that. Because that told me that she was going to beat this! God put that feisty spirit in her and she was going to do amazing things! I believe she is way stronger than her mama! She has a fire in her that is God-given!

The last few days in the hospital were emotional to say the least. My incision was doing well, but on the Monday following her birth, I was expecting to leave. However, I had this awful feeling that something was sitting on my chest. It wasn't painful, just made it impossible to breathe well. I couldn't even lay down without being out of breath. So, I brought it up to the nurses and doctors. They were concerned after going through various checks that it could be a blood clot, so I went and had an MRI and a PET scan! After all those checks, everything came back normal. I had high blood pressure still, but nothing else. But after staying another day, and after going to the bathroom A LOT, everyone believes it was just an excessive amount of fluid built up. But that last night...was the hardest. I needed permission to leave my floor and I needed someone to wheel me down to the NICU to see my daughter, and at first, it seemed like I wasn't getting answers from doctors or nurses about what was going on with my health. I was away from my husband and son too, and I was depressed. It was emotional to say the least, and I felt VERY alone that last night in the hospital. I finally got to see my daughter that night in the NICU around 9 PM. It was soo quiet, and she was sleeping. I just watched her for over an hour. I sang to her. I talked to her. I sat still and just took her in. Somehow, I felt better after all of that. I think my daughter brings me hope. I figure if she can endure all the crap she is going through as a new little person on this earth, I need to hold it together for her. Again - she is soooo much stronger than me.

Last day for Mommy at the hospital, but I could finally see her eyes uncovered

In the days that followed, I have had my stitches and wound vac taken out. I have gone back most days of the week to see my girl. That first week and a half was rough as I wasn't allowed to drive, so I had to wait on Todd to take me. But when I was given the go ahead to drive, I try to get there at least 4 times a week. I am still working as I want to save that time off for when she comes home. So that's been hard. Here I am, I have this baby who is in the hospital, and I am working. But at the same time, work has helped keep my mind busy. And I need that right now. Otherwise, I would be crying A LOT more!

There is more to Alexandria's story, but I will have to share that later. I just wanted to take some time to talk about the actual birth. The craziness that was that night, and how it all came so suddenly. Because most just knew that we were going to take care of my pre-E with blood pressure pills, etc. It's amazing how that plan just went out the window. And I know someday, I will look back on all of this and see how God orchestrated so much of what happened. And I am starting to see some of that now. But, it's been hard to wrap my heart and head around all of this.

My body failed me and my girl. And for the second time! Both of the children I have given birth to have had crazy births involving emergency C-sections and requiring them to hurry to save both our lives. And our very first baby that never lived outside my body died as well in 2012. It's hard not to see all of that and not get emotional. I am their mother and I am supposed to protect them, and if not in my body, where else? I mean, it has taken a HUGE toll on me emotionally thinking about that. I am told by people to not think about that, but how can I not? I know of several women pregnant now or were pregnant, and have had healthy/no issues or concerns with their pregnancies. Their bodies protected their babies. But mine - mine has failed my babies 3 times. It's hard not to get upset over that.

At the same time, I still try to look at the goodness of God and how He provided during this time. And the prayers of all of you were there! Your faithfulness to pray for us was incredible and quite possibly one of the very reasons I am alive speaking to you today. I am alive and my daughter is alive. And I have heard from friends and family who have said they had several people praying as well in time zones around the world. And I had people who were strangers message me words of comfort and hope. It was and has been incredible the amount of love and support we have had. So despite the hard stuff, the love from people and the prayer support has been inspiring. And I do believe that prayer works even more because my health was in bad shape, and I should have died with the problems and blood pressure I was having. I should have died because most anyone else would have. But I didn't. And that's a miracle! So thank you to those who prayed and lifted us up and to God as well for taking care of me and my girl.

And one last thing - our first baby we ever conceived died in July 2012 through a miscarriage. And he would have been born in February (mid-February) 2013. And when I think about how hard of an experience that was, and then I think about how our baby girl was conceived in July and ended up being born in February (not April), I can't help but see God's Hands in that. He took a broken part of us and is restoring it. If you don't know much about God, He loves to illustrate His love to us by redeeming brokenness and painful times. Turning ashes to beauty. And July and February have always had points in there for us that were painful reminders of our lost child in heaven. And yet, God has given us another beautiful blessing during those times of loss. Not as a replacement, but as a way to say, "I know what you have gone through and I am turning your pain and sadness to joy." And so even though this has been hard to see my baby girl in the NICU, and I am still quite sad about a lot of it, God has been working on my heart and I am working through the emotions of it all. And I see and believe that God is going to do some amazing things in the life of this beautiful little girl. The NICU journey is hard. And I won't always be perfect at handling it all, but I am expecting God to do some amazing things through our girl and her life! I have more to share, but that's for another time.

Thank you again for your continued prayers. We do need them! But thank you for the prayers and love and encouragement. We couldn't do this without you! We couldn't!

I will end this post with the photo from the first time I got to hold Alexandria (8 days after birth)! It was a momentous occasion!

Living With Pre-eclampsia

Unless you have been through this yourself, you may not understand what is involved with pre-eclampsia. Most assume it is just about the blood pressure being too high, but there is much more involved.

I was diagnosed about two weeks (at 28 weeks) ago with it. I was considered mild at the time; however, it can change pretty quickly.

When you have two of the following, you can be diagnosed with mild pre-eclampsia:

• High blood pressure
• High amounts of protein in urine
• Water retention - more than is normal for pregnancy

It crosses over into severe pre-eclampsia when you have the following:

• The above symptoms
• Debilitating headaches that won't go away with Tylenol
• Blurred vision/spots in vision/light sensitivity with vision
• Pain in upper right abdomen
• Extreme fatique
• Shortness of breath
• Nausea/Vomiting

And this can quickly turn into eclampsia and/or HELLP syndrome. Eclampsia can turn into seizures. HELLP syndrome results in elevated liver enzymes and low platelet count. 

Without treating it at the right time, this can lead to the breakdown of the placenta which then leads to oxygen and nutrient deficiency for the baby. And all of these can lead to the death of the mother and the baby. And the only real way to treat is delivering the baby and the placenta. Once that happens, my blood pressure, etc. should hopefully return back to normal within a week to six weeks. But if you have pre-eclampsia too early in pregnancy, hence the scary part about delivering a baby too early. Because now you have to deal with the concerns of delivering a very preemie baby. 

So it's not a simple disease. It's pretty dang serious, and one of the leading causes of death during pregnancy. 

So for me - living with it is almost a strategy. I am trying to keep my blood pressure down to avoid seizures and worse. But if that doesn't work, I will need to be at the hospital for round-the-clock care to ensure that me and Alexandria are okay. And if things were to go south, we have literally minutes to be saved but can be saved. If I have a seizure or something, being at home is not the best. 

So we have decided that this Thursday at my OB appointment, if my BP isn't showing signs of improving, it will mean I need to suck it up and handle that management at the hospital until the baby is needing to be delivered. I currently have two appointments scheduled during the week - one to see the baby during an ultrasound and doppler to ensure there is enough fluid, the baby is still growing, etc. And then I have labs, blood pressure checks, etc with my OB to ensure that my body is doing okay. 

Likely, at 34 weeks (March 7th), they will not want me to go past that point in the pregnancy to ensure that the baby and I are okay. The positives will likely outweigh the risk of continuing past 34 weeks. And at 34 weeks, preemie babies go on to do really great! Plus, from what I heard, girls do better as preemies than boys. All the doctors and nurses have told me that this is a common fact with preemie facts. They aren't sure why girls do better, but they do. 

If we can't get that BP under control...well, things can change pretty fast! So that's why the urgency. That's why we sometimes are confused as to what to do. 

And then at the same time, we believe God will give us guidance to make the right decisions. 

So I hope that helps those who may not understand what is involved with pre-eclampsia. And we thank you for the prayers and support along the way. 

Saying Goodbye to 2017!

So another year has gone by, and 2017 was a pretty good year for us! We actually went a whole year without going to the hospital! From new jobs, to several trips, and then our family expecting a new baby!  I would say that 2017 was one for the books!

I like to look back at the year to help me remember the good, and I think it helps give me perspective. So month by month, here is what happened to the Taber Family:

January

Well the biggest thing from January was I started a new job with KMEA. They are based out of San Diego, but they have a joint venture with Amec Foster Wheeler (now Wood). So I work out of the Cincinnati Amec Foster Wheeler office. It was a big change from what I was used to at CH2M. I had my first business trip at the end of the month to New Orleans! I really loved visiting New Orleans, and I ate some very good food there! I am a contractor for the Navy, so it's been fun getting to visit many naval bases. And Todd and Caleb were able to spend time together without Mommy around. Todd's schedule changed to days, so it was possible then for Mommy to travel! And this allowed for the two of them to really bond without Mommy around.


February

I continued to travel for work to Corpus Christi, Texas, which is a pretty large naval base.

We also welcomed our friends Damin and Vanessa's new baby boy, Victor Allen Cappel! Victor is such a special little boy! We also said goodbye to our dear friend, Richard Cronk. He went to be with Jesus in February, and it was incredibly sad as he was well loved by so many! He and his wife, Carol were the marriage mentors of our church, and the two of them were really instrumental in helping our marriage through some very difficult times! I do miss Richard, but I know he is enjoying heaven and being with his Savior!




March
 

March was a pretty good month for us. I had another trip to Texas, only it was by myself. Kingsville, Texas has some incredible Mexican food too!

Caleb and Mommy went to Virginia to spend time with my sister, Jen! It was a fun weekend just the three of us! Jen had moved to the mountains of Virginia (Blacksburg), and so we got to see her new place and new city! Caleb loved seeing the mountains, and we visited a children's museum. This is one of my favorite photos of the two of them! Aunt Jen is really the best aunt ever. I mean how many people will go into a kid's playhouse like this! She is a kid just like Caleb! 😉




April

In April, we celebrated the resurrection of our Savior, and Caleb enjoyed more Easter egg hunts! It was also a lot warmer to enjoy visits at the park, etc.

I visited KMEA's offices in San Diego, and enjoyed some of the sights! It was nice to finally meet the people I talked to on the phone, especially my supervisor and the president of KMEA.



May

May is always a special month. We celebrated Mother's Day, and then of course this sweet boy's 3rd birthday!! He had such a great birthday, and had his first birthday with a friend! His best friend Jonah and his parents, along with Jane our sitter. It was a super fun Monster Truck birthday party! Caleb also had his crib turned into a big boy bed! Quite a special milestone!

I had my last trip for work for the year to Meridian, Mississipi! And then we also enjoyed fun times outside, and especially at Riverscape in downtown Dayton.




June

June was the first month since January that I didn't have to travel for work, so it was nice to spend time at home! We visited several different parks and enjoyed a lot of outside time, filled with bubbles and popsicles. We celebrated Father's Day, and Caleb actually picked out everything he wanted to give his Daddy! And then the weekend before Independence Day, we went to our friends' annual Independence Day Cookout! It was a good month of fun!





July

In July, we took time to remember our first baby Gabriel, as it had been 5 years since he went to be with Jesus! We celebrated Independence Day with family as well. And then in mid-July, Caleb met his Great-Grandma and Great-Grandpa for the first time. It had been a long time since we had seen them, so it was a special time. Todd and I had a special weekend together just the two of us, and little did we know what surprise was coming (our baby girl)! 💓





August

August was a busy month! It was a hard month for many in Florida and Texas with massive hurricanes. But I really appreciated watching the love of so many around the country donate and help the many victims of those hurricanes. Those were moments that made me proud to be an American. Americans care about one another and will stop at nothing to help others! It was also the month of the solar eclipse. I thought it was pretty cool, even if we didn't get the full 100% eclipse (we got 91-92%). I look forward to a few more years when Dayton will be in the path!  Caleb started a chore chart for things he can do to help around the house (picking up toys, helping put his clothes in laundry, etc). A great way to teach him responsibility! Todd and I also found out that we were expecting our baby girl! One week I was able to eat normal, and then the  next, I had crazy morning sickness! We look forward to her arrival come April 2018!


September

We had a lot of fun in September! Labor Day weekend was spent with my family in Frankenmuth, Michigan. September is a busy month for birthdays, so Frankenmuth was a perfect excuse for fun for myself, my Mom and Wes! We also told my parents and sister and brother-in-love that we were having a baby! Frankenmuth was a lot of fun, and Caleb got to experience Bronner's Christmas store (the largest Christmas store anywhere)! He LOVED it! We also announced via Facebook and to other friends and family that we were expecting! My morning sickness really started to get intense this month as well! We also started homeschool pre-school with Caleb!

October

 

October was also quite busy! We were able to enjoy lovely fall leaves this month and enjoy some cooler temperatures. We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time, which was so fun! Always makes me smile when I hear my babies' heartbeats! 

We celebrated the baptism of this little guy - Victor Allen Cappel! I also became his godmother this month. It is truly an honor to be this special boy's godmother! I am totally smitten by this little guy! 

And then we of course had some trick-or-treat fun for Halloween! Caleb dressed up as Thomas the Train this year! 

November

This month always starts out great - celebrating our marriage! This year, Todd and I celebrated 9 years! Can't even believe it has been that long already! We celebrated by going to South Carolina, and we visited Myrtle Beach and Charleston. It was truly another honeymoon for us, and a vacation full of special memories! 

We also celebrated Todd's birthday this month, and he got his annual birthday carrot cake! Caleb had to help! 

For Thanksgiving, we went down to Blacksburg, VA, where Jen and Wes hosted us! It was a very special time together as a family! Caleb always loves seeing his aunt and uncle and of course Grandma and G-Pa! 

And right after Thanksgiving, we found out for sure that our baby is a girl! So we can't wait to meet Miss Alexandria Grace in April! 

December

And now December...a month full of Christmas fun! We enjoyed seeing lots of Christmas lights and listening to Christmas music. We also enjoyed decorating for Christmas, and Caleb was especially helpful this year! He did a great job! I was sick quite a bit in November and December, but thankfully, there was plenty of good memories in the mix. Pregnancy and illness have taken a lot out of me, but I am thankful for the special memories we made anyway. Caleb had a fantastic Christmas, and he made it soooo fun this year with his excitement! He would count down the days literally every day! And then on Christmas morning, he woke us up and said "Mommy/Daddy - do you know what today is? It's Christmas!!!" His happiness was truly contagious! And we surprised this big boy with a train set and several Thomas trains to go with it! He was SOOOO HAPPY! We were also able to celebrate Christmas with my parents on Christmas Day and then later in the week with my sister and Wes! So it felt like Christmas all week long! 

I have truly enjoyed going through the many memories this year has given us. God has truly blessed us with this little one we are excited to meet in April, and many fun memories along the way! So stay tuned for more fun updates! 

I pray for God to bless all of you with a memorable and special 2018! 

Much Love,

Todd, Sarah, Caleb, and Baby Alexandria

Why the name Alexandria Grace

So we are definitely having us a girl! ❤ And her name is Alexandria Grace Taber! I wanted to explain a little as to the reason we are naming her this. We both had strong inclinations for names. I always knew I wanted a boy named Caleb, and Todd always knew he wanted a girl named Alexandria. So it worked out perfectly that we both got to name one of our children the names we had planned.

Todd had always loved the name Alexandria, and so when I looked up the meaning, I fell in love with it as well. Alexandria means "defender of mankind." And it has always been important to us to name them strong names and names that mean something great. Back in biblical times, when a person was named something, that name really did define a lot about that person. So I love the fact that our girl is being named something so strong. I love the idea that she will be used by God in some way to defend others. I am not sure what that looks like, but God does. I believe with God's help, she will do amazing things in this life to impact others for the better!

And since Alexandria is such a long name, we both agreed upon a shorter middle name. And when I started thinking about middle names, I couldn't pass up on Grace. This baby girl is truly an example of God's grace to us. Our family has been through so much, and this baby was conceived despite the odds because of various struggles (infertility, PCOS, time, etc). But God said she was going to be at this time and place for a reason. She has a divine purpose in this world that we are excited to see how it all unfolds for her! She is definitely an example of grace to us as a couple and our family. And we are so thankful for her!

So there you go! We have a boy already that adores his baby sister! And now we are expecting this little girl in April! Thank you for your support and prayers over this little girl! We do appreciate them!

I leave you with our latest ultrasound (19 weeks/5 days), and she refused to show us her profile (and much like her brother did, she also refused to allow us to see some of her internal organs), but here she is looking right at us and ready for a picture! And you can see her hand giving a little wave! ❤

The Beginning of Someone Very Special

So I have shared that we are expecting...AGAIN! 😊 It feels a little more real now. Let's just say, when you have experienced heartache and disappointment in the past, until you see the heartbeat on the ultrasound,  it's hard to be sure what to feel.

I started feeling sick the week of August 21st. I knew I was late, but I was just thinking that my PCOS symptoms had returned. Didn't occur to me at first during the week of August 14th that I might be pregnant. Nah. And then nausea came on. I mean, it came with full force! I had eaten some barbeque the week before at a training course I was taking. And it tasted so good, that I told Todd I would like to have barbeque again the following week. Apparently that was a  mistake! Because when we had barbeque the following week, suddenly it was the most disgusting thing I ever tasted (by the way - the barbeque was from the same place both times). So anyways...that tipped me off. Heartburn, nausea, and just plain feeling like crap. I suppose it could have been the flu, but having been through pregnancy twice before, I knew what I was feeling. My husband told me it would be best to hold on taking a test until the end of the month so as to avoid possible disappointment. I held off an additional work week, but I couldn't wait much longer.

So on August 25th, our Shipt grocery delivery came while I was working from home, and I was expecting the pregnancy test! Waiting all morning! They delivered all of our groceries, and instead of putting things away, no, no. I decided to immediately take the test. And you know how sometimes when you take a test, it seems like it takes forever for the test to "show something." Not this time! This time, it came immediately! Within the first 30 seconds of the test, there were two pink lines!

There was some panic in me. After all, as a working mom, I already feel like I am stretched to my max as it is. When I drive to Cincinnati for work, that is 3 hours out of my day of just plain driving. I like working at home more so that I can make better use of my time. But it's not always feasible, nor should I always work at home. But I always worry that I am not doing enough for Caleb as it is, and then mom guilt comes in, and I wonder how the heck am I going to be a good mom for 2 kids?! Having one kiddo has been the joy of my life, and I still work and help in providing for our family. But add one more, and I am like "EEEK...can I do that?!" It's just my honest feelings.

Todd has known and believed that we were having another baby since September 2014. I won't go into all of the personal details of that, but Todd believes God told him we are having another baby, and the baby will be a girl. And without giving into all the details, Todd was pretty close on his estimated guess of when it would happen (within 2 months). Todd has watched the promise given to him unfold just as he was told. You'd think being a Christian woman and wife that believes her husband, that it wouldn't have come as a shock to me. Well that would be a lie. I was still shocked. You know the story of Sarah in the Bible? Remember how she didn't believe she would ever have a child, even though God told her it would happen. And then I think about my reaction and how I was literally taken aback (even though I shouldn't have), and was kinda freaking out for a while. I am ashamed that I wasn't full of faith and expectation and hope. I guess me and my namesake don't fall too far from the same tree! 😉

Heck - I have witnessed God's power and amazing ability to make dreams come true with Caleb. I mean, He gave us an incredible little boy after so much pain, disappointment and loss, that I should have had more faith in His promises. I feel quite hypocritical to say the least. I guess you could say this has been a time where I have been humbled. I mean, really humbled.

And many of you will think we are nuts for calling the baby a "her" already. But having witnessed God's movement in our lives and just how it's all unfolding, mark our words....when we find out for sure the sex, the baby is a girl! Understand, that even if we were somehow wrong about the baby being a girl, it wouldn't change our love for this little one. But don't be surprised - we are having a girl!

And we told Caleb at a restaurant that night. We explained that Mommy had a baby her her belly and that someday soon, the baby will come out and he will help play with her, and love her as a big brother. He wears that badge proudly already! He tells everyone who will listen that he is a "big brudda!" And he will rub my belly and kiss it. One time, he came up to my belly and said "Hi buddy!" It was so cute. And even more recently, he was telling me that nobody messes with his baby! (Melt my heart - he believes this baby is his!) I do believe Caleb is ready for his role!

And the baby - well she is doing well. We found out on Monday, September 11th, that she is 8 weeks, 5 days, and she is due around April 18th. Her heartbeat was measured around 176 bpm, and we even saw her wiggle a little in there. And I love that we can already make out a head, little arms, legs, and a bottom. I think it was really important for me to see her moving and see the heartbeat so I could really believe this was happening.

And then when I realized that this little blessing was conceived in the month of July, I can't help but be amazed of how He can take a terrible month like July for our family (when we lost our Gabriel), and turn it around to be a blessing. God really does build beauty from ashes. This baby isn't a replacement and neither is Caleb. But, I truly believe God can redeem the pain of the past!

Or when I think of how this time last year, I was two weeks away from being let go from my job of almost 12 years, and how God provided another job within 3 months time. God provided for us financially during that hiatus, and provided the much needed health we needed in there for 1 1/2 months without insurance. And even though I am still feeling out this new job, so far, I think it is going well. And I have a job to provide for all 4 of us now! God's timing is perfect!

This little sweetheart is a blessing already. Her existence is evidence of God's promises being fulfilled, and that you can trust Him to keep those promises. Is it easy to always trust - no way! I am evidence that I don't have it all together and that I don't always trust Him as I should. But, I guess I am taking from all of this that God's plans will unfold, in His timing, His way, and all to glorify Him!

The morning sickness (or it should be called "all day sickness") has been quite brutal this time around. I remember when I was having Caleb, and I very rarely felt very sick. Caleb was a breeze compared to this pregnancy. But, I know it means that she is doing well. So if that's the case, I guess bring on the yucky feelings! (please be gentle though 😉) I have an early screening for various things at the end of this month, but one of the things is they confirm the sex. So likely by October, we should know for sure that the baby is a girl! 💓

So there's the story! I look forward to feeling better hopefully soon, and I appreciate all of the advice to help me with my nausea! Peppermint so far is really helping! Thank you all for your congratulations, for your friendship, and for your love, and here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy!

Much Love,

Sarah, Todd, Caleb, and Baby Girl Taber