Life doesn't seem fair, does it? You have seen many women who seem to have it all. And when you think of what it means "having it all," you really mean they have the one thing you want!
You get riled up and hurt when you see women on the news who get a baby when they are horrible and abusive.You get sad when you see your friends, family members, and coworkers get pregnant because you know at this time right now, you would have a 4 month old.
You have said words to others that you can't take back all because of your grief. And when you thought that the people you love would be there, you see that life is pretty lonely now. You have lost friends over the last couple of years, you have lost family and feel betrayed by their treatment.
You seem to think that you are even entitled to have a baby because of all that pain.
You noticed early on how people forget about your grief, and make talk like everything is hunkydory. You noticed that life goes on for everyone else, while you just want to curl up in a ball sometimes.
You love and adore your husband, and have enjoyed your talks and walks together lately. He makes you smile, he makes you feel secure...but mostly, he's just there. But even despite your love for him, you need to admit that you are really scared and really sad about the prospect of never ever having those kiddos you dreamed of. You have names for kids "Caleb Michael" and "Alexandria Grace." The most perfect names for your kids that aren't even conceived yet...a combination of love between your husband and you! However, you have one child that is that combination of love...that is in heaven right now living and laughing. You have one child that has the image of you and Todd. You have one child in heaven that has never and will never know the pain of this life. He or she gets to sit on the lap of Jesus anytime, and talk with people that you have only read about. Remember that Sarah...remember Gabriel is okay. He or she is more than okay. And also remember - you are okay. You are making it, day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. You are a survivor. And when everyone is smiling about whatever is going on in life, you smile too because you want to survive each day. And also know that someday...someday you will see that sweet Gabriel. You have dreamt of that precious baby many times, but you will see him or her and you will someday be able to say that he or she was a boy or girl. You will get to laugh and hold him or her, and you will walk together on the streets of gold. You have someone there waiting for your arrival - so you keep holding on!
Life is hard, but you are becoming strong in the process. Remember when you couldn't even bear talking in front of others, and now while you don't like it too much, you know you can do it. You became strong...and even if no one mentions Gabriel's name, you mention it. You keep that small memory alive. Because honestly - you and Todd know the truth. You keep standing and you keep living. That's the best thing you can do for anyone...including Gabriel.
And I think it would be good to have a list of things to do/remember to keep yourself going - so here are some starters:
- Keep holding onto Jesus...He holds you when you cry and He laughs with you when you are happy. He gives you those rainbows and moments that make you smile because He loves you and wants to bless you. He knows you have hard times, and He knows you get sad. He understand that and wants you to just keep holding onto Him. He won't let go...not ever!
- Forgive yourself when you have bad days because bad days are going to happen.
- Love yourself even when others leave you...if they couldn't stay, that doesn't mean you are any less of a friend or a person. It just means they weren't the kind of friend or family that you want in your life anyway
- Show kindness to strangers and remember that we all have something we are going through. So if someone is rude, remember that maybe they have something on their mind that is causing the rudeness. That does happen.
- Fall madly in love with your husband each and every day! Remember all the reasons you married that man - he is your best friend and love of your life. He is the head of this home and someone you love and deeply respect. He makes you laugh and he really "gets" you. Apart from Jesus Himself, he knows you better than anyone. So continue to shower him with love, respect, and honor. He deserves it because he's been a rock to you when no one else was around. He deserves it because he is your husband and he would walk through fire for you.
- Do your best in work - you are loving this new JuMP program you helped start, and sometimes you wonder if you are doing a good job in this new role, but you are. You are growing and others see that in you. Also do your best as an engineer. Keep looking for those projects that inspire you and make you excited, but also, do your best as if you are doing it for the Lord. Because even if that means you are groundwater sampling, be a cheerful person even in that.
- Shower your family (blood or not) with love and grace - No, your family isn't perfect, but no family is. Remember that your family accepts you when you make mistakes, do the same for them. Show them that you would do anything you could for them and be the kind of daughter and sister that God called you to be. Show them respect and love...spend time with them every chance you get. Because we aren't guaranteed another minute, so use your time wisely and invest yourself in your family.
- Laugh and spend time with friends - take every moment you can to spend time with friends. Make new friends at church, make new friends at work, make new friends....but also appreciate the friendships that have stood through thick and thin with you. You know they will still be there when you are 40-50-60-70....but cherish those moments and never allow yourself to be "too busy" for them.
- Keep at your photography...even if it is something random. You enjoy learning new things, so look up new things you can do. Your photography is your hobby and something you take a lot of pride in. And just because it's not a sunny day, doesn't mean you can't find value in a photo. Take advantage of opportunities you are given to share your photography as well.
- Travel as much as you can...money can sometimes keep that from happening, but when you have the opportunity, explore and find the good in the locations you visit.
- Share your grief and comfort to those who are going through the same thing. Be someone they can come to and lean on. I know that you felt lonely a lot of the time and continue to feel that way, but let those people know that you are there for them. Use the pain you felt and the experience to help others going through the same thing. God can use this for His glory!
- Continue to share and blog. It's a good release for you and something you say might help them. You never know unless you try. And even if all this is are words that only you see, may it be something that heals you and helps you grow as a person.
- Hug/love babies - just because yours is in heaven, doesn't mean there aren't babies you know or babies that will be coming that you can't shower with love. You have a lot of love to give, and everyone needs love. Remember those babies are special too.
- And keep on trying - you believe that God will still provide and bless you with a child, so keep trying. Anything is possible with God - so never let that go!
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