Happy 2nd Birthday, Alexandria!

Happy 2nd Birthday, Alexandria! 

I don't know how we are celebrating your 2nd birthday already. Life sure has flown! You have come so far in such a short time. I believe I blinked, and instead of a tiny preemie baby, you suddenly became this sassy and independent toddler! 

Just since your first birthday, we have watched you stand up, walk, climb furniture and us, run, dance, play, follow your brother everywhere, more dancing, singing and making up songs, learning new words, letters, shapes, and even a few numbers. I love how after a song is finished, you always put your hands up or clap your hands and say Yay! Or when we ask you to tell us what a certain letter or shape is, and when you get it right, we tell you "Good Job!" And then you proceed to clap for yourself and say Yay! You love words of affirmation for sure! We've watched your sassy personality come out, and it's quite amazing to me because all of your NICU nurses called you sassy from the very beginning. You definitely like to test the boundaries, blatantly run away when we tell you not to do something, and usually you are giggling as you do it!  Speaking of giggling, your laugh is seriously the best! It's such a big laugh, and your whole face shows your happiness! You are a good eater, and usually try everything at least once. The best thing is when you eat your dinner and say "Dah Done!" And so we get you out, and you run to your Daddy to sit on his lap and eat his food! You are a little social butterfly once you feel comfortable and get acclimated to the people we are around, and I truly love how you have to tell everyone Bye before you leave. And you wait to make sure they say it back! You are so smart, so strong, so sassy, so fierce, and I believe those parts of you are what God gave you to help you overcome obstacles. 

When you are a parent of a premature baby in the NICU, you have all kinds of fears. I wondered if you would be able to do all the things you are doing right now as a two year old. It has taken you longer, and sometimes we required some physical therapy and ear tube surgery, but you got it. Much like your brother, you showed us in YOUR time. It was your timetable, and every step (literally and figuratively) you took, we were your biggest champions! Your brother loved to help and cheer you on! I so hope that loving bond between the two of you always stays. I love how much he cares for you, and how much you adore him!

To say I am proud of you would be an understatement. I'm not sure you can know how proud of you we are. And not just because you are our daughter. But we have seen you push through so much, even when you hated it. You cried and were scared that first time you held yourself up during tummy time, and you cried and were shaking as you stood on your own two feet, and you needed some convincing to make those first steps, but you did it! You didn't quit! You may have struggled, but darling daughter, you overcame! And even when things are tough in the future, I believe you will figure it out and accomplish whatever you set your mind to do! 

Just know your Mommy, Daddy, and big brother Caleb are always here for you! We aren't perfect, but you can count on us being your biggest cheerleaders! I so look forward to watching you grow even more and learn new things, start to have real kid conversations with you, sing songs and dance, etc. And I really can't wait to have our first girly pampering time together. Like, I can't wait to paint your nails for the first time, watch you as you figure out all your likes/dislikes, have fun trips with you, and just make a gazillion memories along the way! 

We love you, sweetheart! You are an amazing, smart, beautiful daughter, and we are so thankful today and everyday for God's protection over you when you were born and as you grow! You have a divine purpose that God wanted you in this world to carry out. And I'm so thankful we get to watch you do that!

As I finish this letter, I'm listening to you sleep for the final night as a 1 year old! You've been sick with the flu (so sad you've had to endure that), so we will slightly postpone the birthday celebration to next weekend. But know we love you, we celebrate you, and we are beyond grateful for you! 

Happy birthday, darling daughter of mine! 

Love, 
Mommy  

Five Years Old...Already!

Dearest Caleb,

If you only knew the depth of my love. I have gushed about you in a video (shared below). I've told your birth story in other letters, and I have talked about how much you make me proud. And more recently, I have heard you say to Daddy, "Mommy likes to hug me and tell me she loves me all the time." It's true. But I'd like to give you a little insight into why.

You are a breath of fresh air. When the world around me doesn't make sense, your innocence and zest for life is beautiful. There is so much about you I just admire. And it's not because you got it from me or your Daddy. It's because it is you.

I have seen you grow up so much in the past year, that I am in complete awe. Sure, you still act your age and have tantrums periodically and you tell us No and sass us. All normal things. But, when I see how much you care for other people, and how you want to pray for the bad people who took Mommy's purse. Or the way you even pray that Jesus has a good day. Or how you want to know what God eats. Or how you ask about how things are made or done and just trust that Mommy has the answer (I don't always). How you have faith that if someone is sick, that all we have to do is pray and God will help them. Your faith is exactly as God wants us all to have in Him. You have taught me so many lessons in my own life!

The way you love your sister and the way you take care of her is incredible. You are truly the best big brother I have ever seen. You took to her instantly and that first night, you had us in tears watching you reading to her. I have not seen a big brother act so beautifully as you do with her. Alexandria is incredibly blessed to have you as her big brother, and I am so thankful she has someone as strong-willed and compassionate as you on her side. I know that as you both grow up, she will always have an advocate in you, and that's special.

You are incredibly polite and say please and thank you, even when I wouldn't expect you to say it. How sometimes you even say "I'm so proud of you Mommy!" It's so sweet. You always seem to know how to turn me into putty! I don't know how many times you have put your arms around me and just told me you loved me or that I was the best Mommy, and you just melt me. I am the one that is blessed to have you as my son!

You have learned some tough lessons this year in pre-K where you had to learn patience and waiting your turn, and now you just do it. This time last year, we would get frustrated with you because you didn't want to wait and you would throw a tantrum. But pre-K helped you learn some of those things. How you are so sociable with anyone who is at a playground and you instantly call them your friends.  You have learned how to write your name, you can write all the letters of the alphabet lower and uppercase, and you can count literally all the way to 100. We can tell you are more number oriented just by how easy numbers and very basic math are to you. You get most of that from your Daddy. You have learned the sounds of each of the letters, and you are starting to learn some very basic words. We will learn more this summer for sure!

You are so loyal to your family. I like to think you got some of that from me. You don't let anyone mess with your sister, and if you think I am even being "unreasonable" with her, you tell me. Or when you told me about how you yelled at the "bad guy" that took my purse, and when I asked you if you were scared, you said "No! I was just so mad that he took your purse. It wasn't his and I yelled really loud at him and told him that!" No one messes with your family! You are super protective of us.

You are very open with your feelings, and make sure you let us know if your feelings are hurt, if you are mad, if you are sad, if you are frustrated, etc. These are good things. And I want you to know, you can always trust us with your feelings. Always! We try to make sure that you always have an outlet and feel like we hear your feelings. We may not agree with everything you say, but we will always hear you out and what you have to say to us. Always.

You have grown up even in the food you eat. You used to be the pickiest eater ever. But now you eat most things you are given at school. We have learned you don't like the school's eggs or sausage, but that's okay. You don't have to like everything. But your favorite food is still pizza! No doubt about it! I kind of blame myself on that because when I was pregnant with you, I ate A LOT of pizza. It was so bad that even you Daddy got tired of how much pizza we were eating! Haha!

I just adore you, my sweet boy. Even when you are in trouble or acting out, the maturity in you has gotten so that you always, and I do mean always come out and apologize for your behavior. You can't stand being mad at us for too long, and honestly, we don't like being mad at you either. And there have been times where we were the ones that messed up and had to apologize to you. We aren't perfect...not by a long shot. We make mistakes. But what's so amazing is when we say we are sorry, you always tell us you forgive us. I love this open communication we have, and I have to say, I don't look forward to the teenage years because usually that is when communication is lacking. But, I want you to know, there isn't a single thing you could say to us that would change our love for you. Not a single thing. Even if we disagree with you, we will ALWAYS love you. Always! So try to remember this when you become a teenager.

I have so much I look forward to doing with you in the future. And yet, there is a part of me that wants you to stay little forever. But, I know God has incredible things in your future. How do I know this? When the odds were against you even being conceived, you were! God made YOU happen! He told a family friend about you before we even knew for sure if we would ever have you. You were always a promised son! I had your name in my head since I was young. And it was no accident because Caleb was always going to be your  name. But it was funny, and God confirmed this in a dream to your Daddy, but He changed your middle name to Isaac. Mommy initially thought of Michael. But, because of all we went through to even having you, Isaac is way more appropriate. And someday, you will understand why we say that. Sarah and Abraham so desperately wanted children and they waited WAY longer than we ever did. They were really old when they finally had Isaac. And then God tested Abraham's faith to see if he was even willing to sacrifice his desires for what God wanted. God rewarded him for his faith. And see, your Daddy and I went through a lot of waiting for you. Soo many things that I don't want to go into in here, but we had to resign ourselves to the possibility of never having our dream of having kids as well. And because we chose to trust God and lay that down, He gave us you! So your middle name...it was meant to be!  God knew you well before you were ever conceived, and He has a plan, a purpose that is just yours. You are known fully by the God of the Universe, and I hope we always lead you to Him.

It is a privilege to be your mother! I can't think of a greater privilege than to be yours and Alexandria's mom. You fill my life with more joy than you can ever know. So hopefully this helps you understand a little bit of why I am so proud of you. And why I love you so very much.

Happiest of birthdays to my Caleb Isaac. My best little man. My cuddle bug. My buddy. Here's to another incredible year! I look forward to making more memories!

Love,
Mommy (Your biggest fan!)

Tribute Video to my Caleb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkvNfmA3So4

Letter to an Old Friend

Hi there, what's going on
Life is pretty crazy but I was thinking of you
You know that song we used to sing at the top of our lungs
Yeah I remember those times
We did so many stupid things back then
But so many fun things too
I look back and think of you so often
I remember staying up late talking
Laughing til we cried
Talking about real stuff
and accepting the good and bad
in each other
I remember that even if you didn't agree
we could still get over it and we were fine
Now, here we are
we have kids and spouses and life has moved on
Life isn't quite how I expected
Don't get me wrong, I am happy
I love my family more than words
I am grateful for all I do have
But I pictured celebrating our kids birthdays together
I pictured crazy fun get-togethers
Our kids didn't have to be best friends
But they still had fun together
I pictured girls nights while our husbands would stay home with the kids
I pictured us there for each other during all events
Good or tragic
Beautiful or sad
I pictured us together
I never really had that, you know
I moved around a lot and so friendships mean so very much to me
Because I never got to keep friends for longer than three years
And we made it well past three years
And then something happened
And now you are somebody I used to know
My heart aches still
I think of you often as I said
I really wish my kids knew you
I often pictured them running to you with hugs as well
Because we weren't just friends, we were family
And I have found it very hard to make new friends
Because I don't think I can go through that again
This isn't a guilt trip, I promise
Perhaps you were supposed to be just a season
I hope you are doing well, I do
I pray for you and your family
I miss you
I miss our friendship
I miss the memories
Know my heart when I say
I truly wish only the very best for you
And if you want to talk,
You are always welcome
Because no matter the distance and time
I'll always hold a special place in my heart for you!

~ S. Taber

Happy 1st Birthday To You, Alexandria Grace!

To my darling Alexandria Grace on her 1st Birthday!

How is it possible that it has been a year since your very dramatic entrance into the world?! I still remember most every detail leading up to your birth. I remember going to see my doctor and had hoped that they would teach me the right way to use a blood pressure monitor at home. I didn't believe that my high blood pressure was really that high. I kept seeing 175 or 188 (for the top number), and I was convinced I was doing it wrong. I mean, I was on BP meds and I "felt fine". But I had just gotten so used to it, I didn't even know how dangerous it was for me. We had managed to push off your delivery for another two weeks after they initially wanted to deliver you at 28 weeks. So even though my OB said it was very high and that my protein was also very high, I still expected to check into the hospital and take medication and you would be fine. I expected to see your Daddy the next few days after work and keep busy in the hospital with work. I had my laptop with me as well. I really thought the hospital doctors (not my OB doctors) were just hungry to get you out well before you were ready. I didn't understand my situation. I mean, I "knew" logically what preeclampsia meant, and my BP was high and I had high protein in my urine. I knew the logic, but I didn't "feel" sick. I didn't feel like I was in any danger. I couldn't get past that feeling that I "felt fine." And since they did all kinds of checks on you, you were doing great. Everyone was saying your heart rates were fine and didn't have concerns about you whatsoever. So I really didn't feel like we should be giving birth to you yet. I mean, the day of your birth, I had worked from noon until your Daddy came home from work to take me to the hospital. How insane is that?!

Well we checked in and then they took blood for labs, and checked my BP. My BP was still high. They were getting ready to give me another steroid shot for your lungs (two weeks prior they had already given me a steroid shot). They had me admitted for sure, and we explained to them that we just wanted to keep my BP under control and didn't want to deliver yet. Your Daddy had left to pick up your brother from Jane (she was your first babysitter). I just expected to spend time in the hospital to monitor and keep my BP under control, after all, we did that the first time two weeks prior. And your Daddy hadn't been gone maybe 20-25 minutes (not even to Jane's yet), when they told me that my labs came back already, and I was in HELLPs (hemolysis, elevated liver enzyme levels, and low platelet levels). This essentially means my body's organs were starting to shut down and my life was in danger. And I knew what this meant because I had done research about it well before. So then I called your Daddy to tell him you were coming. He got it worked out that Jane would watch your brother and stay the night, while Daddy would come back to the hospital for your birth. I also called your grandparents. I was so scared. I didn't want you to be born too early because I didn't know if you could survive such an early arrival. I had heard from doctors that 30-weekers had a pretty high survival rate, but there could be complications, etc. Your Daddy had a vision from God that said you would be okay, so he wasn't as worried. I should have held steadfast to that promise God gave Daddy. But I didn't. All I knew was I was scared. For you. As a mom, all thoughts of yourself go out the window. You will see someday when you have children. All I cared about was you.

And then your heart rate started to drop, and I'm telling you, sweet girl, those nurses were on it! They got us out of the room and into the operating room super fast when they detected your heart rate was starting to drop. I was impressed! Your birth certificate says you were born at 8:10 PM, and I do remember seeing the clock in the operating room as I was wheeled in say 8:06 PM. So, they got you out fast! You were born at 8:10 PM on February 8, 2018, and you weighted 2 pounds, 9.6 ounces and were 15 inches long. I am sad that I didn't get to hear your first cries and see your face because they had to knock me out. Your Daddy wasn't even there yet (he was on his way). So it breaks my heart that we didn't get to see you first thing. But they told us you came out screaming!

And I didn't get to see you until you were 2 days old. Your Daddy and grandparents saw you in the NICU after you were born and I saw pictures on their phones of you. It felt completely surreal because of all the medications I was on. It was kind of a hazy time. I remember it, but I was also sleeping a lot the first 24 hours.

On the day we first met (February 10th), I had to approve a chest tube being placed inside you because of a collapsed lung and you needing surfactant in your lungs. So I couldn't see you that morning because of the procedure. However, that afternoon, your Grandma came with me (Daddy had to stay home because your brother was very sick, and they didn't want you to get the germs). I am glad I wasn't alone because I will admit, I was seriously nervous what my reaction would be when I would see you. I had so many emotions about meeting you. I loved you with my bursting heart, but I was afraid of crying and breaking down. I didn't know what to expect. And then when your Grandma took me down to the NICU to see you, I had to wash my arms and hands very well, and then we met. You were seriously the tiniest thing I ever saw. You had tubes and wires ALL OVER! There were only little parts of you exposed that showed your skin. Your eyes and most of your face was covered. I couldn't even see if you had a dimple in your chin (like I have). I found out later that you have a chin just like Daddy. I couldn't see your eyes. I couldn't see much of your body. But I did see the spot they put the chest tube in, and I saw your body breathing (seemed so fast to me). I saw your hands and feet. And you loved to kick your feet out of the swaddle/enclosure. You fingers were so tiny, yet I saw so much detail. Your fingers and toes looked so long to me.

I talked to you to let you know I was there. And after they taught me how to open up your incubator correctly to ensure there was no heat loss (because you still needed to learn how to maintain temperature), I reached my hand inside to touch your hand. You had the most amazing grip! I was impressed with how tight you held me. I really felt like you were saying "Oh it's you! I have missed you, Mommy!" I was very puffy and bloated from all the medication, so standing up was tough. I had to periodically sit back down, but I didn't let go of your hand. I didn't want to stop holding your hand. We (Grandma and I) talked to you. I couldn't get used to the beeping. Those sounds still haunt me. Knowledge was power, so I did eventually get less scared. But those beeps told us if you weren't breathing, or if your hear rate was too low, etc. As I reflect on this, I still have tears well up. Oh baby girl, my heart was full of so much love and fear. I should have held onto Jesus better and trusted Him better than I did. But, I didn't. I was scared and the hormones and anxiety of it all really did rush over me. I held it together while I was there with you because I wanted to be strong for you. But, I'll admit, after Grandma left and I was by myself, I cried! I cried a lot! Here I was, a Mom to a very premature baby, and I couldn't do a thing to help you. Other than pray and touch you where I could, and talk to you when I could. But otherwise, I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't even hold you yet because of the chest tube. It was truly the hardest thing feeling so helpless. I'm your Momma...I'm supposed to be there always and take care of you. I had to entrust you into the care of doctors and nurses. And at first, I was very much resistant to it. I didn't want to. I didn't trust that they would care for you like I would.

But my darling girl, you showed yourself to be a strong fighter. A warrior! You had the nickname by most of the NICU nurses as feisty Alexandria! You eventually got the chest tube taken out and I held you on your 8th day of life for the first time. Nothing better than when I first held you. It was wonderful to finally have you in my arms! Or when we did skin to skin! I watched your temperature and heart rate, etc all improve drastically just because we were skin to skin. It was a miraculous time! And then as the days went on, you kept getting bigger, stronger, and we got to see more of your personality. I visited you every week at least 4 or 5 days. I had to work still because I was saving my time for when you would come home. And those 57 days in the NICU were truly the hardest days! I wanted you home with us, but you had to stay there. You had to get stronger and better. And I learned over time how much those nurses really did care about you. And you still had to learn how to maintain temperature. You had to learn how to breathe on room air. You had to learn how to suck and eat from a bottle. And you would make two steps forward, and sometimes one step back and that's how it was for 57 days.

Nothing could have prepared me for how wonderful it felt bringing you home! When you passed the car seat test and they gave us the green light, I was NEVER happier! And your brother hadn't met you until you came home because it was RSV/flu season, and no children were allowed in the hospital to prevent germs. So he finally met you on Day 58! As you were growing inside me, he would kiss my belly and talk to you. He told me many times that no one would ever mess with his baby. You were his baby! He loved you before he even met you! And then when he did meet you, I kind of expected resistance. But, he was all about you! He wanted to hold you, kiss you, read to you (which was truly one of the sweetest things we ever saw), and he wanted to just help. He adored you from Day 1. And you did too! I just know you knew how much he loved you and you admired him so much. You wanted to do whatever he was doing. He was such an encourager in the coming weeks as you were learning to lift your head or eat or start scooting, or clap your hands, etc. He was truly one of your biggest fans!

It's been a long road to get to this year mark, and it hasn't always been easy. You have had some setbacks/delays in some things, but you never gave up! You are a fighter! Even now as you learn to stand and crawl, you push yourself!  You may complain, but you NEVER give up. You might whine a little and cry, but then you try again, and again. I love that about you! You are stubborn! That can be a great asset in your life. You come from a long line of stubborn people! Your Momma included. I really do believe you are a tough cookie, and can truly hold your own. You inspire me. You are my hero! Yes, my sweet daughter, you are my hero.I watched you grow from a 2 pound 9.6 ounce tiny little thing to a beautiful 18/19 pound baby girl! You are truly amazing to me!

And God has been in the thick of it all as well. He has been holding you (all of us really) through it all. Even in my doubts or fears, He held us! He brought people to encourage me, and that would also in turn help me to be strong for you. I couldn't have done it without supportive people like your grandparents and aunt Jen and Uncle Wes, Aunt Reva, Aunt Cheryl, your Great Grandma Jeannie, Jane (your first babysitter), our wonderful friends in Ohio, a few very close and dear friends in Philadelphia you have never met, a few people in Virginia (people I haven't even met), and really so many people all over the country. And even all over the world as I was told by several people. So, sweetheart, never underestimate the power of prayer. Prayer can move mountains. He obviously has an amazing purpose for you here on this earth. You, my darling daughter, are a miracle! It's really amazing because God gave us two miracle babies! I mean, we weren't even sure we would be able to have children. And after much struggle, He blessed us with your brother when we were ready to give up on having children. And when the odds were again against us having another, He gave us you. I don't think I can express enough how grateful I am to God for bringing you into my life. I am not a perfect mom, and I will never ever claim to be. I mess up a lot. But, if there is one thing I have and continue to learn is He uses people who appear to be "failures" or the "underdog" to do amazing things. He uses the imperfect to do His work! If there is anything I can say about this year is that in the midst of the fears, tears, pain, joys, laughter, memories, He was there! He gave me strength and wisdom when I had none. He was always there. And He will continue to always be there for you! You are an overcomer with Jesus! There is NOTHING you can't do with Him! And I'm most blessed to join in your journey as your Momma! I put together a special video of your first year! I hope you someday look back on this and see how much we loved you then and still do!

Alexandria's First Birthday Video

God has given me so much I don't deserve. But, Wow! Thank you Jesus that I have you! That today on your birthday, I get to spend the day with you and celebrate you! You are a very special gift! I love you with every part of my being! Whole bunches! Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet pea!

Love,
Your Momma

Shouting My Story instead...

Most know that I am very pro-life. I am not crazy as I am NOT okay with physical violence of abortion workers or clinics. I would never condone that. But, I believe without LIFE, you can't really do anything with any of the other rights our Constitution gives us. It's ironic to see a quote (shown above) about the importance of life being given a chance for its full potential from Barack Obama, and then knowing he was very much in favor of abortions up to partial birth. Shocking really. 

I have seen a lot about "Shouting your abortion," and I watched a video recently where I saw a celebrity shout with excitement where she had "her first abortion" and how wonderful it was. I heard cackles of laughter and cheering as she discussed it, and also when she would tear apart people like myself who are against it. And then I heard them talk about sending their abortion stories to an email. So instead of doing that, I sent them my story. My story has validity in this argument. And many of the women I met who had babies early on like I did, they can relate and understand it even more so now. When you watch a baby born early and see their humanity. When you see what technology makes possible that now a 21 weeker can survive. It's astonishing to me that we even have to have this discussion. But, I felt like maybe someone who would read it, might read it without any mention of God (though, I will be honest, I believe He is the reason we have this beautiful girl), and it might make them think. I didn't attack them. I just stated my story. So here is what I sent:


"I don't know who reads these emails, but I wanted to share my story with you. I was slightly over 24 weeks when I found out my daughter supposedly had IUGR and wasn't growing, despite the fact that we had only 1 screening.  However the specialist tried to tell me that if I had come in before then (legally in Ohio, you can't abort after 24 weeks), we could have "done something about my pregnancy."  And yes she was referring to abortion, but couldn't say it outright because it was a religious hospital. Scientifically, one screening is not a trend and does not indicate anything. So when we scheduled another screening a week later, it showed my daughter was actually growing. She was small, but not "too small." 

I had preeclampsia signs around 26 weeks, and then at 28 weeks, they put me in the hospital to monitor. They wanted to deliver her then and there, but I got my blood pressure back down. I didn't want to have her come so early because I was concerned about her health more over than my own. So then she got to 30 weeks, and we couldn't wait any longer because my body was literally going to shut down, so she was delivered 10 weeks early. She's a medical miracle. She had to have a chest tube put in because her lungs needed help with development. But no brain bleeds or issues like that whatsoever. But after that, she continued to grow and develop and did amazingly well. 

And in less than a month, we celebrate her 1 year birthday. Why am I sharing this at "shout your abortion?" You probably don't even give a damn and when you realized this wasn't about abortion, you probably already deleted it. But if you have read this entire story...think about this. What if...what if I had found out at 24 weeks that she was too small and just believed the "doctors" and made the decision to end her life because of whatever the doctor said. Just trust the doctors, right? I'm an engineer, so I believe wholeheartedly in science. And my daughter...she has beaten tons of odds. Her very conception is a freakin' miracle! I have battled infertility and PCOS for years! My husband and I weren't trying. We didn't have any fertility drugs like we had used at other times. But even with my history of infertility and my PCOS, she was conceived. And then when they said she was too small after only one scan, we said we believed she would be just fine knowing full well that one scan means nothing. If you are a scientist, you would laugh at one data point too. And then, I put myself through hell to ensure her stay in body as long as possible. She and I could have died, but we didn't. And then even born at 10 weeks early, she could have breathed only for a few minutes and died, had all kinds of brain defects, health problems, etc. But she overcame those.

I was scared of having another kid. I have one that was a miracle too already. But I was scared of being a working mom and taking care of two kids. I wasn't sure I even wanted another child. But if I had given up on her, I wouldn't get to know the amazing little girl she is! I wouldn't have witnessed miracle after miracle after miracle watching her grow up! Her smile is quite literally the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life! She deserved to be. She deserved to show the world that she was a fighter. I mean, when she was only 8 weeks, we could see her dancing. And she always gave the technicians a hard time finding her heart. She would always hide from the nurses. She was feisty. And she loved to dance in the womb. She would hear music and dance. It was beautiful. And now today, she is incredibly strong, very feisty and wants what she wants, and loves to dance! I learned things about her in the womb because she was already a person in there. She was a person with personality already! She had preferences. She enjoyed music. She showed  me so much about her and then to see her after birth, to see those same attributes. I would have missed out on so much! 

When you take away a person's right to live, you are taking away a future. Planned Parenthood was started by a racist! Margaret Sanger wanted to expunge the entire existence of African Americans. Go look it up if you don't believe me. She didn't give a damn about people who are underprivileged. And before you ask....I do care about the woman who is scared. I was scared too. Lots of women have abortions with less fears than I had. But I still had my daughter. I had her because she deserved to be. Whether she lived minutes or days, she had a natural human right to live. A right that our very Constitution is supposed to give to all of us. LIFE, LIBERTY, and the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. There are millions of women who would love to take care of your baby if you don't want to or can't. So many women who struggle to conceive. And there are so many groups that show you that things don't have to end with a dead baby. Adoption is always a choice. And there are groups that also help women provide for their babies so they can mother their babies and make a life too. I give and volunteer for those kinds of groups, so I do put my money where my mouth is. And someday, we may end up adopting too. It's unfortunate that it is way easier to kill a life than it is to adopt in this country. That shouldn't be. So no, I am not shouting any abortion. But I will spread LIFE. And I hope you read my story and it made you think."

Welcome 2019!

Happy New Year (Almost!)

I haven't blogged in quite a while, but I update on Alexandria all the time on Facebook and Instagram. I can't believe where we were just this time last year. I was pregnant with Alexandria and full of concerns because of my blood pressure concerns and the "specialists" were saying she was "small" for her gestation. And little did I know that in just a month and a week after the New Year, I would be delivering my baby girl at 30 weeks! Wow...what a year! What a year!

So much about this year was heart-wrenching, terrorizing to my heart and soul, and just damn hard! But, I got to watch a miracle in the making! I got to watch God touch my little girl as she overcame obstacle after obstacle! She is still overcoming obstacles, and her feisty and fiery personality really shine through! She is also a very content, and quite happy baby! Only time she isn't happy is if we take too long to get her food! Haha! Or if she is teething, and the pain is really bad. But otherwise, this girl is just happy! And I am thankful to God for helping her grow from a 2 lb 9.6 ounce baby girl fighting for her life to a baby girl that is 17+ pounds! When I see the rolls in her legs, God gets an instantaneous "Praise God" for giving her that opportunity to get rolls! She is the bright spot in every single day! Seriously!

Just look at where she was! She was soooo tiny, and now look at her! 

And I got to watch my son truly become the BEST BIG BROTHER ever! I have never seen a kid take on the big brother role so well! He has his moments of jealousy for sure, but he absolutely adores his sister! He didn't need convincing that he was going to be the best big brother, he already knew he would do whatever he could to protect his sister, and just truly love her! He loves to make her laugh. he loves to hold her. He loves to tickle her! He loves to help in any way with her! Caleb has grown up SOOO much this year. We watched him start the year as a 3 year old little boy and grew up like crazy to this 4 1/2 year old big boy that is doing amazing at pre-K and loves to learn! He is still his Mama's boy as there is nothing like him putting his arms around me to hug me and tell me I am gorgeous! Or that he loves me so much! Or how he grabs my hand just to hold it and snuggle up to me! I am beyond proud of my boy! He is so smart, funny, and sweet! He continues to amaze me each day!

I love how much he loves her! 

I can't believe how big he is getting! 

And this year, Todd and I celebrated 10 years of marriage! That's no small feat, especially in a world where most people give up. Believe me, you don't go through 10 years of marriage and not have problems. And there were many problems. We started our marriage thinking we were awesome, and we celebrated 10 years knowing it was God that got us through the past 10 years and will continue to help us through the next 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, etc. We also had some amazing times. Our children are truly some of the best gifts we could ever receive! Especially after enduring infertility issues and the loss of our first child.  We endured through accidents, loss, family struggles, financial issues, job loss, family tragedies, scary hospital visits, and a baby in the NICU. But through it all, God provided and helped us through it. And Todd and I became tighter and stronger through it as well. The things we went through were the kind of things that broke apart many couples. We aren't special because we are still together...if anything, we are just thankful that we said from Day 1 that when we didn't have strength, we weren't in this marriage as just the two of us. We had Jesus as our foundation. So all the credit goes to Jesus for helping us. Plus, we are truly comfortable with each other. We have history that we don't ever want to throw away. He is truly my best friend! He may piss me off, and many times, he has pissed me off more than any one else! But, I'm thankful that there is no "walking on glass" with this man! We know each other. We know what makes the other person angry. We know the issues. We know the good and the bad. And that's a beautiful thing. I truly do hope and pray that these next years are full of love and life in our marriage. That we enjoy this next year more together, and that life only gets better! I hope that the passion we have truly becomes alive this year too! I truly do look forward to growing old with this man...I want us to be that old couple in the rocking chairs on a summer day holding hands and looking back on our life and thankful. Thankful for all we have, thankful for all our memories, and thankful for all of God's blessings to us.

My absolute, best friend! God gave me him! 

Oh we still have passion for sure! Love him so much!

Now that we are complete as a family (as complete as you can be with one baby in heaven), we are looking forward to the next chapters ahead of us. No more newborns (which, in a way is sad) but we have school days ahead, lunches to pack, field trips to accompany, dates with my husband, vacations as a family, etc. I hope that 2019 is less stressful to say the least. I have seen with my own eyes what God can do. So, I hope even when bad crap happens, I handle it better. Maybe even just trust God from the start, instead of fretting. Because in the end, God does have it. I hope that I can raise my kids to fret less than I ever did. I pray I can help them see that walking with God is way better than a life without Him.

I hope I also give myself more grace than I have. I want to be a better mom, but I also don't want to put myself down when I do mess up. I can be really hard on myself.  I'd like to be better for Caleb and Alexandria. I hope that this year, I invest myself more in my kids and play more and become imaginative and do all I should for them. I hope that I give Caleb the attention he needs and show him how important he is to me! I hope that I show Alexandria that she means the world to me as well, and that I see life through her eyes more! I hope that this year I just argue less with my husband, and just love him. That I really show him love and how much he means to me. That he feels the appreciation and joy I have when he is around! I pray that in 2019, I just become a better version of myself - one that seeks God in everything, and that enjoy my family whole heartedly! That I yell less! That I kiss and hug my kids and husband more! That I say "I love you" more! I also pray that in my work life, that I rise to the occasion and really work hard and do my absolute best when I am there. But then when I am done for the day, that I leave it at the office. That I enjoy and truly love on and appreciate my parents, Jen, Wes, etc more! That they know without any doubt how much I love them! I pray that I can be a healthier version of myself, and lose that baby weight and other weight that PPD/PTSD contributed to. I pray that I can run and play with my kids and forget about Facebook/social media/news and just spend time in the moments! That each month, we make memories and have fun doing it! Life isn't always fun, but I don't want to look back and say "Oh there was nothing good we did that month." I want to make each month in 2019 full of bright times and special memories.

I am not making resolutions per se, but I do want to do these things. I want to be better! I want to be better for my family! I want to be better for my job! And I want to be closer to Jesus!

So here's to 2019!

Interviewing Our Preschooler - Caleb Isaac

Since Caleb is starting Pre-K next week, I thought it would be fun to interview him on his likes/dislikes, etc. as a memory to look back on.

1. What is your name? Caleb Isaac Taber
2. How old are you? 4
3. Where do you live? Dayton
4. What is your favorite color? Blue! But my other favorite colors are green and yellow, and purple, and red. (side note: I mentioned that Daddy also loves blue, and he said that no one else can have that as a favorite color - LOL) 😁
5. What is your favorite thing to play? Construction site or my trains
6. What is your favorite food? Chicken, no I mean, pizza
7. What is your favorite ice cream? Cookie dough
8. Who is your best friend? Jonah
9. What do you want to do when you grow up/get bigger? I want to go to work in the city! I will drive to Cincinnati and work in the city and make big buildings! (He knows Mommy drives to Cincinnati periodically for work, so that is where that must have come from - LOL!) 😃
10. What is your teacher's name? Miss Wendy 

So there you have it...I couldn't ask any more as he was tired of me asking questions and told me "No more!" LOL! 

Caleb - You're Four!

Well, Caleb, you are officially 4 years old now! I can't even fathom that we have had you in our lives for so long, and yet I can't imagine a world that doesn't include your beautiful smile, your piercing eyes, and a laughter that is so infectious!

You have had such a busy year! You really started learning how to fish with Gramma and G-Pa at their pond, and with the practice fishing pole you have at home, you learned pretty fast how to cast. You have such a good arm! You started to swim more, as we were hoping to get you into the pool to start helping you learn basics. I hope this next year, we can actually get you some lessons. You still love to go on walks, and you truly do love the park. You tackled fears of going up the rock wall at the park and will now climb it. We have had so many fun dates, you and I, and you still love Hobby Lobby. But then, you love to wrestle with your Daddy, and make up silly stories about how there is a "sea monster" and you and Daddy have to escape. It's hilarious! Where did you learn sea monster? This past year, you had two trips (one to Frankenmuth, Michigan and one to Blacksburg, Virginia). Vacation to you is going to a hotel, watching Disney, playing with trains on the hotel floor (because Gramma brought things to do), eating a lot of food, and sleeping in big beds. You loved Frankenmuth (and I knew you would), especially the Christmas store (again - I knew you would)! You loved visiting your Aunt Jen and Uncle Wes in Virginia for Thanksgiving and gave them so much to laugh about. Apparently you even managed to lock one of their bedroom doors while you were there, and one day they actually closed it and they were locked out of it. Ha!

I know I say this every year, but you have grown up so much this past year! You seem to have this memory that boggles our minds. You memorize TV shows you only watched once, you know the books we read to you like you can actually read those books, and you remember words of songs very easily. Plus you just retain information like it's your job! You started a home school preschool with Mommy and Daddy this past year, and you trace letters and numbers very well.  You even learned how to write your name. It doesn't matter where you see a sign or if you see numbers somewhere, you try to trace the numbers or letters with your fingers now. We have done our own little science experiments like making a volcano from an apple, making a tornado from a bottle, or growing grass from seeds and a sponge. You love "to do school" even if on your own. You soak up everything you learn! I love that. I hope this next year that you continue to be just as excited when you go to Pre-K. Your vocabulary has also just exploded. Words I didn't know you knew, all of sudden you are using them in a sentence. Correctly, I might add. Like "indeed." What 3 year old knows the word indeed? You, my boy! You heard your Daddy and G-Pa say it so often, you just knew it. Funny recent story, you were playing with Daddy in your room, and you were showing me your dinosaur toys. I pointed to the one and said "that's a T-Rex." And you matter-of-factly said "No Mommy! It's a Tyrannosaurus Rex." Well shut me up. Probably one of the funniest times where you corrected me and were absolutely right. Loved it!

And with all those smarts, you are so creative too. You don't care about coloring or really doing much with art projects (with the exception of cutting paper, making fuzzy caterpillars, or playing with stickers); however, your mind is incredibly creative. You have such an imagination. We could be driving somewhere, and you will all of sudden say "Mommy, we gotta be careful, there is a giant over there." Or a dinosaur, or a giant ant, or whatever it is that you think of. You love to pretend that you can get the bad guys and put them in time out! Ha! And with music, you will use songs that already exist and modify them. For instance, you have many versions for Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. When you sing "like a diamond in the sky..." you will replace diamond with a variety of things (such as different shapes, tornadoes, poop, excavators, etc).

And speaking of poop - Haha! You finally got potty trained (mostly). Nighttime is still an issue, but you are mostly good during the day with occasional accidents. And we will work on the nighttime stuff, so no worries. But since we started potty training with you, you are quite obsessed with the word poop. Must be a boy thing! LOL!

Your heart is so tender and sweet too. Since you learned that Mommy was pregnant with your little sister, you suddenly went from this little toddler to a big boy! Even while I was pregnant, you would talk about your baby sister, and how no one would mess with her! I am not sure where you learned that phrase, but you were ready to be a big brother. You would pat my belly, kiss my belly, and pray for her. And when Mommy wouldn't feel good or when I was sick in the bathroom, you took on this comforter role and would rub my head and kiss my cheek and tell me "it's okay, Mommy!" And then when Baby Alex finally came home, you were soo in love with her. I could see it in your eyes. You saw her and I knew you would do anything to protect her and love her. She was your sister and no one would mess with her! You truly do dote on her by the way you want to help with everything. You want to help get her pacifier for her, you tell her everything is okay, you kiss her head all the time, and you want to be around for diaper changes and baths. The first night, while she was sleeping and Mommy and Daddy were handling dinner, you got a book and started reading to her. It was the most adorable thing I ever saw.

But to say that having a new baby sister hasn't impacted your world would be a lie. You do love her, but you do have jealous moments. Especially when she first came home. You acted out a lot and would deliberately do things we told you not to do, etc. We knew it was because you were jealous. One night, when I was putting you to bed, I asked you if you were sad that Mommy had to spend so much time with the baby, and you said yes. I appreciated your honesty. I hope you always feel like you can tell me anything. I do love our night routine. After I feed Alexandria, I put her to bed and then I put you to bed. We go into your room and do our prayers and talk about the day. We even marvel at the cool glowing city on your wall. You love that thing! And you always tell me that you love me. And you ask me to "stay one minute" as you fall asleep before I leave. And so I do. That nighttime routine is valuable to me because we don't always get time just the two of us anymore. And I'm working on that. I hope to figure out ways that you and I can have some "just us" time too. But just know, time spent with you means the world to me.

And as if it weren't enough, you are showing us what an independent big boy you are. You don't seem to have much fear, which is incredible. You want to literally do everything you can for yourself. You want to get your own drinks, your own food, and really don't want us to have to get anything for you. I think it bugs you that you can't get our big front door open yourself because you would if you could. And a few weeks ago, you told me that you didn't need to hold my hand anymore except for crossing the street. I could get sad, but instead I was proud. You were essentially telling me that other than for safety, you can do this! And it's true! You can. You can truly do anything you set your mind to, and that is why I was proud of you in that moment. Sweetheart, I hope you know that your Daddy and I are your biggest fans, and you always have us to cheer you on, provide you unconditional love, and support you as you go for your dreams!

And even though you are my big boy, you are also my firstborn baby! Always will be. You are the rainbow after a storm. Mommy and Daddy always wanted kids and weren't sure if we would ever be parents. But God gave us a tremendous gift when He gave us you. I so look forward to seeing how much you grow and learn in this next year. There will be some challenges I expect. I know you are going to pre-K this fall, and so that will be a big change for you as well because you will be going to pre-K for three days a week, and Jane's only 2 days. And I'm sure this will impact you as I know you like your friends at Jane's. But I pray that you will make amazing friends at school too, and that you love your teachers as well. We tried to find a school that would give you the structure you need, the ability to make friends, and also learn important things before Kindergarten. You seem excited about going to school!

I love you, sweetheart! You make me such a proud mama! I hope this birthday is and has been one of the best, And I hope this next year is full of incredible memories for you! And my hand is still here always for you to hold, should you change your mind! 😉 Happy Birthday, my darling boy!

Love you always,

Mommy

Alexandria Grace - A poem for you

Alexandria Grace - A poem for you

You were born on a cold night in February
about two and half months early
You came into the world screaming
and became an essential part of our world

I saw you for the first time
two days after your birth,
and nothing could have prepared me
for what I saw when I came to you

Wheeled up in a wheelchair
I saw your incubator bed
So many wires and tubes
and scary noises from the monitors

I was afraid to first see you
I was afraid that I would cry,
or even that I would scream
As this was not the plan

But instead, when I saw you
I saw the tiniest little person
With some of the prettiest skin
And adorable feet and hands

I wasn't able to really see your face
You were covered with a CPAP,
and you had a chest tube on one side of you
A procedure I had to approve earlier that morning

But I heard you make little noises
You moved around a lot for a tiny little thing
Your nurses referred to you as feisty
And even your doctors said you had a lot of fierceness in you

I remember talking to you
And your Grandma was there with me
I didn't know exactly what to say
I felt quite clumsy talking to you

What can I say to my beautiful daughter
who was lying there in an incubator
What can I say to make you feel better
Was my voice enough letting you know I loved you?

I don't even remember what was said that first time
But I do remember after being instructed how to touch you
What it was like when I first touched your skin
and touched your hand

I remember the beautiful emotion that came over me
when I reached for your beautiful little fingers
and how tight you held them
As if to say "don't let me go, Mommy!"

It was in that moment I knew.
You did know me, you did.
I knew as you clung to  my finger that we were going to do this
I would hold back my fearful emotions around you

We would push forward and take this journey together
I had to be strong for you
I wanted to be strong because it was you that was fighting
You were showing me how to hold strong

Amazing how at two and a half pounds
You, my sweet girl were showing me how to fight
How to hold strong and keep going
And not to give up

It is you that has inspired me in this entire NICU journey
We sing 'Overcomer' at least once a week
As it brings me comfort and strength
And I even have a video where you smile during it.

You love singing and easy swaying
You love music and can sleep through any crazy noise
And now you love to open your eyes so much more
You are so alert and amazed at the world around you

We have so many talks, you and I
And you have so many talks with you and Daddy
We take turns a lot of the time with one of us taking care of Caleb
While the other one comes to the hospital to see you

It has become part of a "new normal" for us
But, I don't like it
I still want our new normal to be with you at home
I keep holding on hope for that day

We celebrate every ounce, every pound
Every amount of milk you take from a bottle
Every brain scan that comes back as normal
And really every single test that comes back good

We keep holding onto faith
As that is the only thing that keeps us moving
Sometimes, Mommy has breakdowns
I cry over you because of a song I hear or a picture I see

Our life feels like it is on hold until we bring you home
Mommy is still working but as a distraction
Because if I wasn't working, I would fall apart
Mommy isn't as strong as you are.

You take all the pokes and handling
You endure the tests and scans
You take it all like an incredible champ
Even with tears, you are still tough as nails

I cry a lot, but that is mostly when I am alone
It's been emotionally hard to handle
But, I don't want you to feel that
I want you to feel hope and strength

I need that release of tears to push forward though
I rely on those tears to keep going
And sometimes those tears are not of sadness or fear
But of pride

You know baby girl, you have shocked us all
With how amazing you have handled things
You are growing so well
Despite all the odds against you

But that's who God designed you to be
You were created by God and fashioned together
Your future is held by Him
And He knew you well before we did

He knew you would come
during a time that I just didn't see possible
It seemed very unlikely that you would be conceived
And yet, here you are

And throughout my pregnancy, I went through a lot
Always more concerned for your welfare than my own
And even when Mommy was literally at my worst
You were continuing to grow stronger

I feel bad that it was ultimately my body that failed
and caused you to be born so early
But in spite of it, you are proving that God is bigger
And that God can use medical technology to help you grow

So when I get sad or get discouraged,
which happens a lot because I miss you
I try to think of your beautiful face
And all you have overcome so far

I think about what a beautiful blessing you are
And imagine the day when we are together at home
What a joyous day that will be
There will be many tears, but tears of joy!

I love you Alexandria Grace
You and your brother are such beautiful blessings
Beyond my expectations and beyond all fears
You make being a mother so rewarding

I look forward to the future with you here
As you grow into a toddler, a little girl, a teenager, and eventually a woman
I look forward to the ordinary and extraordinary days ahead
I look forward to the future with you!

Alexandria's Birth Story

Alexandria's beautiful little handle gripping my finger on our first meeting! 

Our Alexandria Grace is here! Everyone should know this by now. She has been outside of me for almost a month now, and it feels like it has been so much longer. I am just now at the point where I can talk about that night without anxiety.

Our baby girl is an incredible blessing. Just look at those teeny, tiny fingers! Her birth is an incredible miracle, and from what I hear, my being alive is also a miracle. I didn't think I was in any trouble, and I really thought we could make it to 34 weeks. 

Most knew I was dealing with blood pressure issues and pre-eclampsia. If you want to understand pre-eclampsia, take a look at my previous post. Even when I was writing that post, I didn't think it would ever escalate into HELLP syndrome. I really believed we could just give me some blood pressure medicine and then take care of me at home. And if we couldn't handle the BP meds at home, then I would check into the hospital and we could ward off delivery until 34 weeks when everyone told me we would deliver. This was our plan. We were okay with it, and we felt good about it. We were so sure this would happen. After all, she was doing great inside my body. She wasn't in any distress. She was growing. Her non-stress tests were great. It was just me. I was the problem. But we could fix it enough that I would get through it....except that's not how it happened. 

I had my OB doctor's appointment on Thursday, February 8th. I hated my appointments because my blood pressure was such a pain. I never ever felt like my blood pressure should be high considering how I was feeling. I was always measuring insanely high when I would show up, and then it would eventually decrease. We had even gotten a blood pressure monitor for us at home, and I measured high there, but I thought I was doing it wrong because it was so high. I was sure it was "operator" error. So I took the blood pressure monitor with me that day to see if the nurse could show me what to do and compare with her results there. We didn't get that far. The protein in my urine was as high as you could get it on the test strip they have there in the office. And then they took my BP, and I was in the 190's/110. And that was with my being on blood pressure medicine for the past 3 days. And I was still THAT HIGH! So I had to tell my husband that I had to go to the hospital that afternoon to be admitted. I wasn't having headaches (except for one I had earlier in the week that lasted about a day, but then went away) or nausea or blurred vision. I mean, I drove to the doctor and home that morning. I was fine in my mind. We would get this BP under control at the hospital. Nowhere in our minds did we accept or believe that we would be delivering her.

Kettering Memorial Hospital

So that evening, we checked in around 5:45 PM into Labor and Delivery. They took my BP, and it was super high. They took blood from me for some labs (I wasn't sure all they were analyzing for at the time). Todd had to leave to go pick up Caleb and take him home as he wasn't allowed to be at the hospital because of the flu going around. But we had talked with people at Labor and Delivery that we wanted to just control my blood pressure with BP meds and we were insistent about NOT delivering. In our minds, they were too quick to want to deliver and BP meds should control the problem. So before he left, we both agreed that I would just keep Todd in the loop as to how my BP was doing, and we expected to not see each other until the next day.

Apparently 15-20 minutes later, the labs came back (I never knew labs could come back so fast!). My liver enzymes were elevated and I had very low blood platelet count (ALL associated with HELLPs syndrome). If a baby isn't delivered fast, the baby and mother in that emergency situation can die. And after my own research, when they told me about my blood platelet count, I called my husband immediately to tell him. He had Caleb stay with Jane overnight (we have never done that, but she was more than okay with it and we appreciate her beyond words for doing that), and he rushed back to the hospital. While he was handling things with Jane, Alexandria's heart rate started to drop significantly. She was never in distress before, but she was suddenly experiencing distress!

I remember how fast the nurses moved me out of my room into the operating room. It was super fast because we could no longer wait for my actual OB doctor and we couldn't even wait for Todd to arrive. There was no time for an epidural to allow me to stay awake during the surgery either. I remember being rushed into the OR, and I was freaking out. I was soooo scared. My husband wasn't there with me and we were having this baby. And I had a bazillion fears running through my mind. I remember seeing the time when they wheeled me in, and it was 8:06 PM. A nurse came and held my hand and saw how scared I was, and she stopped right then and said "How about we pray, Sarah?!" And I said okay. And right then, she prayed for me and for Alexandria! And when she said Amen, I heard several others in the room (doctors and nurses) say Amen! I had never experienced anything like that before...doctors and nurses believing in God's power and letting Him use them to make this happen! And so I felt peace wash over me at that point. And literally the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room and Alexandria had been born. (Side note - I saw on her birth certificate she was born at 8:10 PM, so from the time I was wheeled in to the time she was born, it was 4 minutes. That's amazing to me!).

Very first photo of Alexandria Grace

My parents had come as soon as they had talked to both me and Todd before she was born. Todd was there as well. And all three of them met Alexandria before I did. I got to see some photos of her on their phones. But I was soo out of it. The magnesium sulfate they gave me to avoid having a seizure and the drugs they used to knock me out...well let's just say I was not with it. I do remember my parents and Todd talking to me, and they told me how beautiful she was and how big she was (she was born 2 lbs 9.6 oz at 15 inches long). I was impressed with how long she was considering how early she came! 

The rest of my days at the hospital consisted of my getting off of the magnesium sulfate, testing for blood pressure all the time, and finally meeting my baby girl 2 days after I had her. Todd was at home that Saturday because Caleb was congested, and he didn't want to accidentally spread germs to our baby girl. So, my Mom came with me to meet her for the first time in the NICU. Before I went to go see her, a NICU doctor came to my room to tell me that her left lung had a leak, and they would need to put a chest tube in her. And I had to sign off so she could get that. That was my first real job after she had been born. The reality of being the mom of a premature baby truly set in. And now to see her.

The NICU - a place I NEVER expected to enter. A place I feared. I truly feared a place like the NICU. I knew it was a place where babies were hooked up to tubes and wires and scary beeps. And my baby girl was one of those patients. I was scared that I would freak out when I saw her like that. My mom wheeled me to the NICU. When you enter, the very first room is full of sinks, and you are required to wash your hands and arms up to your elbows. And then you tell them who you are there to see, and we are given a special code for security purposes. And then I was wheeled into her very private room. I saw this incubator and heard all kinds of noises and beeps. And there inside the incubator was the tiniest little person I ever met. There she was! My girl. My daughter. All 2 pounds 9.6 ounces of her (actually she weighed a little less when I saw her). I had seen videos of mothers meeting their babies for the first time in the NICU and/or holding them for the first time, but nothing prepares you for the actual thing happening to YOU!

The infamous monitors with beeps that will scare you if you don't know what they mean

 Our first meeting! Grasping my finger so tightly! 

Her little toes - so precious!

Her teeny hand with beautiful fingers! 

I saw the tiniest little hands and fingers sticking out of various wires, etc. And she had a CPAP on her to help her with breathing. I had been told she came out screaming and breathing on her own, but the doctors described it as a "honeymoon" period and she would likely need help breathing soon after. And she did. The CPAP pretty much covered her whole face. And they were helping her with jaundice, etc so they also had a mask over her eyes because they were putting the bilirubin light on her. So I didn't even really see her face. Mostly I just saw her feet, her little belly, and her hands. I tried to talk to her to see if she remembered my voice. I held her hand, and she had such an amazing grip! I will never forget that grip she gave me. It was like she was saying "Oh Mommy, you are here! I'm not letting go!" I was quite overcome with emotion on that. But I held it together. Both my Mom and I talked to her. It was hard as I was still recovering from my C-section and my feet were like elephants! I was soo swollen! Plus, I was quite exhausted, but I didn't want to be away from her.

The NICU nurses at Kettering Memorial Hospital are pretty great! They always tell me how she is doing and explain anything I may not understand. They are so great with her and from the get-go, they said she was a feisty girl! And this was a common theme from them, that our girl was stubborn and feisty! And I hung onto that. Because that told me that she was going to beat this! God put that feisty spirit in her and she was going to do amazing things! I believe she is way stronger than her mama! She has a fire in her that is God-given!

The last few days in the hospital were emotional to say the least. My incision was doing well, but on the Monday following her birth, I was expecting to leave. However, I had this awful feeling that something was sitting on my chest. It wasn't painful, just made it impossible to breathe well. I couldn't even lay down without being out of breath. So, I brought it up to the nurses and doctors. They were concerned after going through various checks that it could be a blood clot, so I went and had an MRI and a PET scan! After all those checks, everything came back normal. I had high blood pressure still, but nothing else. But after staying another day, and after going to the bathroom A LOT, everyone believes it was just an excessive amount of fluid built up. But that last night...was the hardest. I needed permission to leave my floor and I needed someone to wheel me down to the NICU to see my daughter, and at first, it seemed like I wasn't getting answers from doctors or nurses about what was going on with my health. I was away from my husband and son too, and I was depressed. It was emotional to say the least, and I felt VERY alone that last night in the hospital. I finally got to see my daughter that night in the NICU around 9 PM. It was soo quiet, and she was sleeping. I just watched her for over an hour. I sang to her. I talked to her. I sat still and just took her in. Somehow, I felt better after all of that. I think my daughter brings me hope. I figure if she can endure all the crap she is going through as a new little person on this earth, I need to hold it together for her. Again - she is soooo much stronger than me.

Last day for Mommy at the hospital, but I could finally see her eyes uncovered

In the days that followed, I have had my stitches and wound vac taken out. I have gone back most days of the week to see my girl. That first week and a half was rough as I wasn't allowed to drive, so I had to wait on Todd to take me. But when I was given the go ahead to drive, I try to get there at least 4 times a week. I am still working as I want to save that time off for when she comes home. So that's been hard. Here I am, I have this baby who is in the hospital, and I am working. But at the same time, work has helped keep my mind busy. And I need that right now. Otherwise, I would be crying A LOT more!

There is more to Alexandria's story, but I will have to share that later. I just wanted to take some time to talk about the actual birth. The craziness that was that night, and how it all came so suddenly. Because most just knew that we were going to take care of my pre-E with blood pressure pills, etc. It's amazing how that plan just went out the window. And I know someday, I will look back on all of this and see how God orchestrated so much of what happened. And I am starting to see some of that now. But, it's been hard to wrap my heart and head around all of this.

My body failed me and my girl. And for the second time! Both of the children I have given birth to have had crazy births involving emergency C-sections and requiring them to hurry to save both our lives. And our very first baby that never lived outside my body died as well in 2012. It's hard not to see all of that and not get emotional. I am their mother and I am supposed to protect them, and if not in my body, where else? I mean, it has taken a HUGE toll on me emotionally thinking about that. I am told by people to not think about that, but how can I not? I know of several women pregnant now or were pregnant, and have had healthy/no issues or concerns with their pregnancies. Their bodies protected their babies. But mine - mine has failed my babies 3 times. It's hard not to get upset over that.

At the same time, I still try to look at the goodness of God and how He provided during this time. And the prayers of all of you were there! Your faithfulness to pray for us was incredible and quite possibly one of the very reasons I am alive speaking to you today. I am alive and my daughter is alive. And I have heard from friends and family who have said they had several people praying as well in time zones around the world. And I had people who were strangers message me words of comfort and hope. It was and has been incredible the amount of love and support we have had. So despite the hard stuff, the love from people and the prayer support has been inspiring. And I do believe that prayer works even more because my health was in bad shape, and I should have died with the problems and blood pressure I was having. I should have died because most anyone else would have. But I didn't. And that's a miracle! So thank you to those who prayed and lifted us up and to God as well for taking care of me and my girl.

And one last thing - our first baby we ever conceived died in July 2012 through a miscarriage. And he would have been born in February (mid-February) 2013. And when I think about how hard of an experience that was, and then I think about how our baby girl was conceived in July and ended up being born in February (not April), I can't help but see God's Hands in that. He took a broken part of us and is restoring it. If you don't know much about God, He loves to illustrate His love to us by redeeming brokenness and painful times. Turning ashes to beauty. And July and February have always had points in there for us that were painful reminders of our lost child in heaven. And yet, God has given us another beautiful blessing during those times of loss. Not as a replacement, but as a way to say, "I know what you have gone through and I am turning your pain and sadness to joy." And so even though this has been hard to see my baby girl in the NICU, and I am still quite sad about a lot of it, God has been working on my heart and I am working through the emotions of it all. And I see and believe that God is going to do some amazing things in the life of this beautiful little girl. The NICU journey is hard. And I won't always be perfect at handling it all, but I am expecting God to do some amazing things through our girl and her life! I have more to share, but that's for another time.

Thank you again for your continued prayers. We do need them! But thank you for the prayers and love and encouragement. We couldn't do this without you! We couldn't!

I will end this post with the photo from the first time I got to hold Alexandria (8 days after birth)! It was a momentous occasion!