Moving Forward in 2012

So it's been a while since I posted on here. A lot has happened since my last post. I took the exam (which I didn't pass, but I am going to try again in October), I had my wonderful 3 year wedding anniversary (see pics) with my sweetheart in Pennsylvania, went to Virginia for Thanksgiving, had Christmas and New Years here in Ohio with family and friends, and then I worked 9 days straight for a huge remediation project in Bremen. Very busy indeed, but grateful for the many blessings that came from all of those experiences (even failing the exam).

Our 3 year anniversary trip in Pennsylvania - this was taken at the Hershey Chocolate Factory on our anniversary!

 Went to Virginia Beach for Thanksgiving to be with my sister! Such a special time together as a family!

 The Taber's ringing in the new year with friends in Columbus!

All dressed in my safety garb in Bremen for the remediation project.


I have been in a mood lately...a mood that is, well...sad! I have been throwing my own self pity parties because 2011 was sucky and I didn't get what I wanted. I have lost people in my life this past year, I have had to pay more for car repairs this year than I expected, I was told that I have PCOS and that I will have a hard time getting pregnant (and it's been a whirlwind of emotions, let me tell you), I didn't pass the PE exam, our neighbors smoke like chimneys and have played their music so loud that it has caused us to really hate living here), and the list goes on. Yeah so maybe not the worst things, but not the best. And I have literally cried over all of those things. I have allowed myself to get so caught up in misery, that I haven't been  much of a friend, wife, daughter, or sister lately. For all of you, I am sorry. I am sorry that instead of looking to Jesus, I looked to myself and my misery and complained. For those who had to deal with my constant emotional rollercoaster, I am sorry. Yeah it sucked, but I wasn't even trying to listen to God. I wasn't even trying to see if there was a lesson I could learn, or if I could gain something positive from that experience. I was so blinded by my own pain and worry and fears, that I probably neglected some of my own family and friends. I am sorry for that. 

Yes, I lost some family and friends this year, and I don't want to talk about those things on here. I don't think it is right to put those people on a blog that others can read about. But, my prayer is that God will heal those relationships. I am praying that I become a better person to those people, and a better prayer warrior. I have learned that prayer does AMAZING things, and I need to be that for those people. Maybe instead of focusing on the hurt, I should be ready always to pray, and to forgive. These experiences have taught me the importance of being authentic. Relationships that are all surface aren't very good relationships. It's when we are real and authentic, willing to hear the good and the bad from a person, that we can grow as people and in those relationships. And the most valuable relationships I have, are the people that love me in spite of my wrongs. Those are the people I want and need in my life. I hope I can be authentic and show love and grace to people, even when I have been hurt.

Also, being told you have PCOS sucks! But there is still hope. Todd has been my champion who will celebrate with me when we have small victories in this area. He has held me when I was so full of sadness too. But I am starting to change certain habits, and I am on some medication too. I believe that God still has our little Caleb or Alexandria in the future, and I am not giving up on that dream! God willing, we will meet them someday soon. And a song came on the radio today that reminded me that God doesn't delay...He has a time and purpose for everything! His plans are NOT on my time table. But until then, I am learning that I want to grow even closer to God and become even better prepared as a mom. Maybe I can't do everything to prepare, but I can grow closer to God, my husband and family, and be the friend that others want too. Those are things I want to show my kids someday. Those are the values I will instill in them.

Yes, I was also hurt when I failed the PE exam, but God showed me that I should keep on trying. He showed me that just because I believed He could make it possible that I pass the exam, He also wants me to really learn the areas that I didn't do very well in. I have another 9 months to prepare, but that's okay. I know the areas I need to dive into, and I also learned that all that preparation I did last year wasn't in vain. I did SOOOO much better. I even got 100% on a hard section. So I can't really complain. I do believe God wants me to really understand those sections (only a couple) that I didn't do well in. He wants me to excel too! We always focus so much on having God help us and make things happen, but we should also realize, we shouldn't expect God to do it all! He gave us a brain, two hands, and two feet for a reason. We need to put sweat into it. And maybe I thought I prepared very well last time, but I learned there are two other sections that really need work too. And then in October when I take it again, I will be all the more ready. Lord willing, I will pass it too. Maybe those two sections are sections that I will need to do well in the exam so I can do well in those areas in my work life. And honestly, when I do pass, no one will be more excited and feel more thrilled than me!

And lastly, we have had to pay for repairs, and God has always provided the funds to do it. And yeah our neighbors are pretty darn rude and terrible, but even that has gotten better. God has provided and taken care of us through all of those tough times, and He gave us pretty amazing times too. I guess this blog was more or less to say that I am sorry to those that I have neglected because I was so focused on my sadness. And it's also to say that God is teaching me, and I hope and pray that regardless of what happens in 2012, that I am the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend that I can be. I will mess up, as I am not perfect. But I will do my best.

Thank you to those who stuck it out with me in 2011...to those who love me in spite of my emotional rollercoaster rides...and to those that want a real, authentic relationship with me.

Exams and Anniversaries!!

So it's finally here...the exam I have been studying so hard for! 8 months of studying and I am about to finally take it!

As I mentioned before, I am not the best at taking exams, and they really do freak me out. But I know God is going to be there with me. It's me and God in that room. So prayers are always appreciated...this Friday is the day (10/28). But I have to say, I have been receiving an overwhelming amount of support, prayers, love, and cheers from so many on this. I feel like I have so many people backing me, and I just feel honored. My parents, Jen, and of course Todd have been so integral in this preparation. Their prayers, support and love have just been outstanding!

But in addition, some very special friends and my second family - my small group and church family have just been incredible. The encouraging emails they have sent just really help me to know that I am not alone. God has blessed me with some very dear and special people in my life! Over the past few months, I have felt more lonely because I have lost some friendships or friendships have changed, and I have had some family concerns,  so all of this was taking a toll on me. But God has really showed me who is there for me when I need them the most!

SO.....Christmas 2011, I will get the results. And there is going to be a party!! WOOT!!

And...two days later we are off on our anniversary trip to Pennsylvania! Sooooooo excited!! We have a tradition to go to a new state every year for our anniversary, and this year is the great state of PA! We are going to Hershey, Gettysburg, Philly, Punxatawney, and Pittsburgh! And because of God's help, our hotels are practically free because of all the hotel points I have racked up this year! Plus, with a lot of the craziness happening this year, we are soo ready for this getaway!! I couldn't be more excited, and will definitely update on the fun when we return!

Can't believe it has been 3 years! When I think about it, I am amazed it has been that long, and yet it sometimes feels like we have been married forever! God is really guiding us in this marriage with so many things, and I am sooo proud to have him as mine! When I think of all we have been through the past 3 years, God has been so gracious and wonderful to us! My husband is someone I can't help but admire and adore and love. He's the kind of man that God really wants men to be for their wives. He puts me first (well God first and then me) and loves me and adores me as well. My best friend of sooooo many years...actually 16 years! AMAZING! Not only married for 3 years...my best friend of 16 years! I can't imagine being without him.

                                  First date in 1996.

                    Our wedding day - November 1, 2008

Best Day Ever!!

It truly was the best day of my life - November 1, 2008! I married my best friend and love of my life on that day, and he still holds my heart! Best day ever! So for those who pray for me and Todd and our marriage, I appreciate those prayers! I think too many times we get caught up in our own selfishness (especially me) or we get too comfortable and then give up too fast. I don't want to do that. Todd didn't give up on me when he waited to date me when I was old enough and turned 16 (waited 10 months), and then he didn't give up on me when we moved our separate ways in college, or when I moved to New Jersey. He didn't give up on me during so many trying times. How could I ever give up on him? I love him so very much and look forward to TONS of anniversaries together!

Dreams

Most of the time dreams can fill a person with vague images
And then you wake up and can't remember what you had dreamt
And mostly I dream of scary situations due to stress
Or just random times with family or friends because of a conversation I had earlier

You ever dream of something so real you can touch it?
You ever desire something so much you can actually feel it?
I have a dream that's all mine
I see that little one in my arms
And he has his Daddy's eyes
And a smile that will melt your heart

And I also see her
She’s a beauty with golden locks
A giggle that is infectious
And she has her Daddy wrapped around her little finger

And often times I realize I am dreaming while I am in it
And I sob because I don't want to leave that little boy or little girl
They are the ones I have been dreaming of for a long time now
They already have their names, and have had those names for years now
Those little ones have my heart and I just long to see them

I have allowed fear and worry to consume me at the thought this dream is only a dream
I have allowed my tears to consume my whole being
I allowed other's experiences
To determine whether I am hopeful or not
And even questioned the dream itself

But yet, I still yearn and desire to hold that little boy and little girl
With blonde hair and blue sapphire eyes
That loves to be held in mommy's arms as I rock them to sleep
And sing to them softly
A little boy that loves to play in forts, and build with legos
A little girl that loves to play dress up and has a million stuffed animals (just like her mom!)

A little boy that loves to wrestle with Daddy
And will hold his Daddy's hand as they go for a walk
A little girl that says "I love you, Mommy"
And I can't help but cry because that title is mine

A dream that is still that, but I see it so vividly
Would God have given me their names and meanings
If they weren’t going to become a reality?
Would I dream of that little boy and little girl
And cry at the very thought that they might not exist?

No - I will not give up on my dream of that little boy and little girl
I can't believe that God would give me that dream
Only for it to stay a dream only
I will trust, even when I don't see the "how"

I promise to give them both to the Lord
Completely dedicate them to God
I promise to teach them both all about Jesus
And will show them that the love of God is so vast and deep

I will talk about the amazing miracles He has done
Including the birth of my little one
I will tell them about Christ's sacrifice
Just so He could be with us in eternity

This dream will someday become a reality
A hope realized
A path finally seen

Roadtrips and Wetlands

Wow, so the past couple of weeks have been sooo insane. The last weekend in July, with my parents, I helped move my sister into her new place in Virginia Beach for law school. My parents were in one vehicle, and I was in my sister's car. The road trip was 12 hours long one way, but I think we had a lot of fun! We were listening to all kinds of music and singing, and it reminded me of the time they all helped me move out to New Jersey. I took pictures along the way that I put out on facebook, but attached some here too.

Driving through the mountains of West Virginia

Getting closer to her new place...lovely view

Jen's excited to be almost there!

We essentially took the trip through Chillicothe in southeastern Ohio through West Virginia, and then to Virginia. There was a lot of mountain driving that was very lovely! My mom even played "I Spy" with us via text (since she was in the other car). It was pretty funny! But nothing surpassed the moment, when we saw signs for Virginia Beach or passed all of the exits for historic places. Jen was soo excited. So much to do there, and it is incredibly lovely there too! I love the colonial look on so many of the buildings.

Gorgeous view at our hotel

This was our view from our hotel room!

When we got there, we went straight to her little house she is renting with another first year law student. It is sooo cute! So small, but so cute! She is already making it into a place that really shows her personality too. So we stayed for two nights in a very nice hotel in Nofolk, and it overlooked the water and a beautiful skyline (see pics). Jen and I had one room together, and it was great! I think the last time we stayed in a hotel room together was 2007 (when we went to France). So it was just fun to have that sister time and talk and just be like old times too!

Jen's new place!

Regent University - her new campus!

Robertson Hall - Jen's law building

Virginia Beach - lots of umbrellas!

We also got her all set up with everything she would need in her new place as well. We saw her new campus, and boy is it gorgeous! Her library is gorgeous...her law building is gorgeous! I just loved the campus! And we also took a littel bit of a break to see Virginia Beach (since I never had seen it). I have been to many beaches, but I have never seen sooooooo many people on one beach. It was insane! But I loved seeing all of the umbrellas.

Saying goodbye was pretty darn hard on everyone. I hate seeing my family cry, and so it was rough. I didn't cry unti I came back home honestly. I think it was because it hadn't really hit me that she was 12 hours away and that the next time I might see her would be Thanksgiving (maybe), and then Christmas! So that's pretty tough, but that's what Skype is for! Plus, you know, I know she can do this. I know that Jen can do whatever she wants with God's help. I know she was nervous, but I think Jen is already starting to enjoy herself out there. She had some classes and is really liking them so far. And it was hard for me in New Jersey at first as well, but God took care of me out there as well. I grew the most when I lived out there. I hated New Jersey (still do) with a passion, but I learned to like me and to love me (which I always struggled with), and also depend on God. And I also learned how to be street smart and drive pretty darn well (Philly, New York, New Jersey - will do that to you!). But the same goes for Jen - God will take care of her, and He is the One that gave her this calling in the first place. Whether she goes after being a Supreme Court Judge (which I think she will), or God calls her in some other way, doesn't matter to me. She will be great! I am proud of her and nothing can take away that pride. I love you, Jennifer! You have your entire family and friends back here in the mid-west rooting for you every step of the way.

So after I got back, I had to head up to Pennsylvania for a long work job - 12 days straight! I can't give away any client information, but essentially, I was working in the wetlands (royally sucked!) grabbing samples. The first few days were just soo terrible. Everyone knows my fear of snakes, and so I was praying a lot (and had others praying) that I wouldn't see any. And thanks be to God, I didn't! But the terrain was terrible. I have never had to sample in conditions like this before. I was working in wetlands with cattails at least 5 ft taller than me and very tight together. The mucky mud was terrible, and I fell NUMEROUS times. There is this grass called "saw grass" that looks just like very tall grass until you rub up against it. It cuts you like knives! In one day, I counted 22 cuts on my arms just because I rubbed up against this saw grass. I did end up getting poison ivy (on my stomach of all places), but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. So yeah conditions were not fun, especially for an engineer that isn't used to this stuff. It's one thing if you do this stuff for a living and are used to it, its another when you were just helping out a team because they needed people and you didn't have anything on plan for two weeks.

So anyways, by the 4th day, my field team leader saw me struggle (and I didn't complain during this time, I just fell a lot and people noted I wasn't used to it), and she asked me if I wanted to go home and they could get a replacement, or if I wanted to do something else. Now as much as my body and my mind both were saying "YES - I want out of here!" - I know it isn't the right thing. I told her I just wanted a little break from the wetlands sampling and I could do sample prep and other things back at the campsite just for a day. Well, they got me trained on that stuff, and the guy who was originally doing the sample prep at the campsite, went in my place. He actually loved being the wetland and wanted to do it. So Day 5 through 12, I didn't have to go back in the wetlands (except once). Talk about a "praise God" moment for me. We all have our gifts I have decided...we all have things we are good at. This wetland sampling wasn't it for me. And that's okay. I accept that I have other gifts. But if there is anything I wanted people to see was that I am stubborn and I don't quit on a team, even when it sucks. I wasn't expecting to work the rest of the time back at the campsite doing the sample prep, but God made it all work. And I know even if I had to work in the wetland the whole time, He still would have made it work. But since He came through for me, I really tried to put forth my best with the sample preps and do a thorough job with that.

I think this whole thing taught me that when things get tough, God sees it and is there. He cares about the little things (I was in places where snakes were, but I didn't see one). He gives me strength when I need it the most. And He made the way for me to work at the campsite the rest of the time in the field, and I can't thank Him enough for that. God is good. I really saw how much He cares about the things I care about. He also gave me some amazing Skype and phone calls with family/friends while I was out there...thank you to those people who were my cheerleaders through this! Thank you to my family and friends who prayed for me...it worked!

And so driving home, I made a pit stop in Punxsutawney. I got to see Punxsutawney Phil (see pics). It's a very little town, but it was cool to see nonetheless. Plus, I really love the movie Groundhog Day. It wasn't quite like I expected, but that's okay.

Phil's Burrow

That little ball of fur is Phil. He was sleeping.

Where all the festivities happen!

They had lots of groundhog statues around town. I posed with one!

And so, I am home now, and I am really really happy to be home now with my husband!!! God knows I missed him so much!! God answered other prayers on that trip, as well, for some big dreams we have as a family. I am trusting and having faith in Him through those things as well. But all in all, God is God and was with me every step of the way. And He will be there every step of Jennifer's path too! So as exciting as the roadtrip was with Jennifer, and as horrible as the wetlands were, I think God really taught me a ton during those two weeks of highs and lows. He taught me that He is God and I really needn't worry about my life or my sister's life when He holds us in His Hands. He taught me that He cares about the little things and big things of life. He really showed me His love over these past two weeks, and I can't help but praise Him!

So now...time for church and a date night with my husband! So happy to be home!

How Long O Lord?

"How long, O Jehovah? wilt thou forget me for ever? How long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, Having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall mine enemy be exalted over me? Consider [and] answer me, O Jehovah my God: Lighten mine eyes...But I have trusted in thy loving kindness; My heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto Jehovah, Because he hath dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13:1-6

No other words really state how I am feeling. When I read this passage from Scripture, I was instantly moved to tears. Boy did David have a way with words. He faced worse trials than I can even imagine, and yet he trusted in God despite his pain. But he was honest with God. He didn't hide his feeling with Him. And that's me...that's me here and now. I won't hide who I am right now. I am allowed to be sad feel ticked off  because what I feel is "unfair." I know God is God and I am not. And the one thing I value second to the fact that I was saved by Jesus, is my relationship with Christ. No one can take away the relationship I have where I can talk to Him at any point of any day, even deep into the night, and He is there. No one can take a relationship where I am beyond open and can just talk and talk and talk to Him. And when I don't want to talk, I can just cry and cry and cry to Him. So yes I am sad...much like David here. But, at least I have Jesus. At least I have my Savior to talk to and even ask "How long O Lord?"

Effort, Sweat and Action...Today's Devotional

"...giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self control, to self control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." ~ 2 Peter 1:5-8

My devotional today emphasized the action of "adding to your faith..." What does this mean? It means it is an action on OUR part to obtain those spiritual habits. We can't just expect to pray to God that we will have those actions and "TA DA!! I am now a person of self control, virtue, godliness, etc..." It is a daily (sometimes hourly) action that we must take on ourselves to be those things. After all in Phillipians 2:12 - we are told to "work out your own faith." And right now I have been praying for a lot of things (some I can share, some I cannot share on here). I have problems though with jealousy/envy, especially when I see what I view as others who "don't deserve it" getting exactly what they want. I feel almost like the prodigal's brother...I see people who live their lives without Christ or they live their lives as they want and don't care about the consequences, and then they get what they want. It can be frustrating to wait for what you think you deserve. Yet, the things I want require action on my part. And if I want to be free from jealousy and envy, I need to put action in stopping those feelings and focusing on the righteous things of God. I need to put the time and action into those things I want. The more action I put in praying for others, the more action I put into helping others, the more action I put into spending QUALITY time in God's word, and the more I put action into genuine love, the more those fruits will abound. I think so often as Christians, we think if we pray for something (whether it is something, someone, or a virtue), we think God is going to give it to us without having to work very hard for it. But the lesson in this devotional today is teaching me that if I want to be less jealous, I need to act and be less jealous. I need to stop focusing on the bitterness or anger, and be happy for those people. And then I also need to focus on what I do have. It requires effort, sweat, and action.

I don't know if this is where others are at, but this is totally where I am at right now. And this was a much needed lesson this morning.

Blessings to you all!

Sarah

The Battle

A shadow pulls me in,

tempting my utmost being

I hear an inner voice saying, "Flee from your desires, Flee!"

Sucking me in by illusion

I have experienced first hand what trouble causes

A knife bearing down in my soul

cries of fear and hope

yet who can hear me?

Who will save me from this world?

A white chariot, A wondrous man

Moving me to safety as he fights the war.

Clashing of the swords, lightning banging

To the left, then the right, left again

A clasp of thunder shouts.

Did someone win?

A cold chill runs down my spine as the wind becomes stronger

Out of fear of the unknown, I peek

To my dismay, a trickle of blood flows

From the side of the gallant warrior

There he lay, so solemn and peaceful

The corner of my eye revealed,

the luring shadow laughing heartily

"I've won, I've won!"

Instantly, my eyes filled with sorrow and pain

The agony, the torture this man suffered

And he did it for me?

Suddenly....

A bright light shone,

the earth shaking....

I couldn't maintain my balance and I fell to the ground

I looked at the deceased Savior,

yet found only strips of cloth

"Where has he gone?"

"What has become of this One?"

Then I turned around

There stood the man, brighter than even the sun

with the sword in his hand, held out in the sky

He smiled and said "My dear child

Do not be afraid. Come to me

and I will give you rest!"

The shadow had disappeared, yet somehow

it was assumed he was still there

watching my every move

Fear took a hold of me again

and I asked, "But, what shall I do

if the evil comes again?"

He looked into my eyes, with a piercing light

held me in his arms and said,

"Fear not, my young lamb. The price was paid for you."

I wanted to ask why, yet I saw on his belt the five letters

That instantly answered my question:

G R A C E