2013 - A Year of Promise

Well since I've been sick and I needed something else to do other than watch more TV (it really gets dull when you are sick), I thought I would write my end-of year-blog. It's been quite a year for the Taber Family. In 2012, we have had some amazing highs and some amazing lows!

Todd and I said we won't be ecstatic about a new year as we were ecstatic about 2011 leaving, and then 2012 was so much harder. So instead, I would like to say I believe 2013 will be a year of promise. I just have my faith, that's all. I don't really have much behind it except my God-given facts (history from His Word, and His history in my life), but I do believe in my God. And whether things go the way we hope or not, I still leave it in God's hands. Nothing I desire has ever been in my hands...just God's. So I relinquish it. I will do my best to listen to God and obey Him this year, and yes I will fail, but I will also succeed too. I just know God is the One who knows my tomorrows. He knows the why's, the who's, the what's, the when's....etc.

I have learned so much about myself this year too. Wow, am I ever a weak person. People told me in sweet emails and letters that I was strong, but that had to have been God "fooling them" because I am far from strong. I tremble and I worry and I don't always have that faith as small as mustard seed. I wish that I did. But all the wishing in the world won't make it happen. I think for years I used to think the thoughts "when bad stuff happens, I will make it, and we will get through it." When you have been handed something in your life that tests you spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally - ALL in one year, you learn that you really don't know how you get through it...you just handle it one day, one minute at a time. I think faith is something way beyond yourself...it's not something you can "just do," I believe its something you learn and practice and practice and practice. I also believe that God loves us all so much that He can handle a little push from us or shove or yell...because He knows that life is hard. And unless you altogether leave Him entirely, I think you can still be stronger in the end and even grow closer to God.

And when I think of all the stuff (bad, evil stuff) that happened this year to others, I tend to stop wallowing in self pity. Because I think if I had gone through what they have/are going through, I would give up entirely. I don't know that I am that strong. But when I think of all the families that lost people this year because of tragedy, it just breaks my heart to pieces. And you don't get over that kind of pain...I know from my own experience this year. Maybe my experiences this year has taught me how to be more prayerful and compassionate. I always thought of myself as a compassionate person...but I think maybe now, maybe now there is a part of me that can understand what some other people are feeling. Maybe someday, someone is going to need me to be there for them because of a painful time they are going through, and God will use what I had experienced as a way to show them the love of Jesus. Maybe God will take what was horrific to me, and He will turn it into something He can use to bless another person!

But something I also hear people say time and time again during tragedies is "It's horrible, but everything happens for a reason." Christians have the worst timing when they say that stuff. UGH...I hate that line. Seriously...if you read this blog, never say that line again to another person who is hurting. It's NOT going to help them! Do I believe that God wanted those people in that theater in Colorado to be shot, or those sweet, innocent children to be shot, or many others who were killed in other countries, or for horrific tragedy caused by hurricanes, or even my Gabriel and others were meant to be lost in miscarriage or stillborn? NO! That I can say emphatically!

Why does God allow these evil things to happen? All I can say is that we live in a fallen world. A world filled with sin, evil, hatred, greed, sadness, pain, etc. We live in a world that suffers and experiences joy. We live in a world that prospers and a world that fails. We live in a world of good and evil. And I do NOT believe that God wanted the evil that happened this year - to happen. I don't believe He wanted that. But I do believe that His grace, and His love are sooo amazing...that He can use the things that were meant for evil...for harm...for sadness....He can use all of those things in some way for good. How? I don't know how. But I do know that when bad things happen, people in general, pray for one another, lean on each other, and come together. It's actually an amazing thing to watch. There is evil, but there is still good out there too.

I watched this year as people came together to pray for those who suffered a loss or injury during the shooting in Aurora, CO. I watched people pray and pray and pray and mourn as they came together with their arms of love for the people who lost a child or loved one in Connecticut. I watched people who went through the horrible tragedy of Hurricane Sandy, come together and help each other out. Money was being poured in by many people around the country to help those people. Even locally...I saw how even my own office came together to show compassion and love to my supervisor and his family as they have had a horrible time with their daughter (who was born 2.5-3 months early and her lungs were not fully developed), and they went for over a year and half without her being at home with them. But our office showed compassion to them through it all. And personally....this year was hell for me and Todd. I found who my real friends and family were, and we drew so much strength from your prayers and love! Words that were sent to show compassion were appreciated, but mostly I felt the prayers. I didn't feel alone always. I felt like people were lifting us up. And so many other stories....so yes, there has been hellish things that happened. And there is evil - but God does amazing things to turn what was meant for evil, and make good things happen. God doesn't cause the evil - He can't. He is a perfect and Holy God. He will not cause evil!

So Yes...there is still good! And in 2012, our family had a lot of joys too! My sweet sister and her fiance were engaged this year, and I am totally psyched about their wedding next year! :)

I went to several weddings this year for friends, and it was a joy to be a part of their special day! Todd and I did conceive Gabriel, so the fertility treatments do work, which is also a praise God (even if our little one didn't get to stay with us). There was heartbreak in there (and still is), but God is making us even stronger now!

We had a couple of wonderful trips (trip to Wisconsin and our 4th Wedding Anniversary trip). We also moved to a new place and bought our very first BIG item together (our new bedroom furniture).

At my friend Michelle's wedding - our trip to Wisconsin

 Wisconsin Dells

Our new bedroom in our new place (love it!)

Our 4th Wedding Anniversary - State of Ohio;

had a couples massage and a traveling chef come to our cabin (shown below).

The cabin we rented for our 4th Wedding Anniversary

Beautiful lake and a lovely sunrise in Hocking Hills for our 4th Wedding Anniversary

I really enjoyed cooking this year (thanks to Pinterest)! It was a lot of fun finding fun, new recipes and really getting into all the preparation, and then seeing Todd's face! I think he is just as much of a fan of Pinterest as I am because I make him some good meals! ;) I always wanted to be one of those wives that could cook really well, and do all those domesticated thing. In fact, I am working on a project for our bedroom. We needed mats to cover our nightstands, and so I am currently working on making some. I have also loved getting fun craft and home ideas from Pinterest. Seriously...I am an addict ;)

 Mexican stuffed shells - a family favorite. I made these for my husband, and he totally begs for them again! He loves them! Thank you Pinterest!



I found this recipe (on Pinterest) on making chocolate covered

strawberries that are red, white and blue (for 4th of July)

I grew closer to my husband this year...I can't explain it. We had bad times...oh did we ever....but man....I have never loved this man more in all my years of knowing him. He truly is a gift from God to me. He makes every single day wonderful to be his wife. I remember when others would tease me about how much I would "make them sick" on facebook after we first got married with all my lovey dovey stuff. ;) Well...what can I say now. It's been 4+ years of marriage, and we have gone through ups and downs and even hellish moments. We have seen a lot just in 4+ years, and I know we have a LONG way to go before we can even compare with other people. I also know that God can and will be there to help us along the way. But just the love that my husband has for me....it's inspiring really. He has the kind of love for me like Christ has for the church. He shows me so much love, grace, and mercy every day, and he is tender and forgiving and truly loving. I know I have a great man! I know it! I am an okay person, but my husband, he's better! He's the kind of man every girl dreams of when they are growing up. So if that makes you wanna gag, so be it. I am proud of my husband, Todd Taber, and I love him so very much!

I also grew closer to my family this year (parents, sis, and Wes), and I am very thankful for them. We had a very special Thanksgiving together (all six of us), and it was something for the memory books! We were in Virginia and had our own personalized historical tour of downtown Portsmouth, VA. Learned a lot! We also had the chance to visit Williamsburg, VA and had our Thanksgiving meal there! Here's a picture of all of us together! :)

I had a good year for my career as well. I learned a lot and I am doing a lot of awesome things to help improve my office/company and also grow in my career. :)

I truly did grow up a lot this year...I see things differently than I did. I love differently than I did. I care more about people than I did. And instead of wishing away 2012 or saying things like 2013 will be BETTER and I can't wait for 2013...I'm not going to do that. I think I am just going to take each day at a time, but also believe that God is going to do some amazing things in 2013! I will call 2013 a year of promise because I believe it is a year of promise. It just might not be all that I envision...but maybe it will be what He envisions for us. So enjoy the last few moments in 2012, and get ready for a new year! Much love and may God Bless all of you in the upcoming new year of 2013!

So What Can I Be Thankful For?

So what can I be thankful for this year? When people say they are blessed, does that mean we are only blessed when we get the things we wanted? Does that mean God hasn't blessed you if you don't get the dream you were praying for? If children are a blessing from God, and mine was taken, does that mean that I had my blessing taken away?  I have thought about these questions for the past week or so. This year was even worse than 2011 (and I thought it was rough). It is very easy to throw myself a pity party, and it would be very easy to stay in bed and hope that the next year is better.

This year has comprised of more car repairs, losing friendships and family that I never wanted to lose, dealing with crazy neighbors at our old apartment, crazy work schedules, and the list goes on...and all of that never compared to the loss of our precious miracle, Gabriel. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him/her. For the entire month of July I was a mess...heck, I was a mess well into August and September. I didn't know how to function, and it was truly ONLY God that helped me get through that pit of despair. I had sweet letters from people at my church, email messages from several friends, some support from family and friends...but in the end...no one could heal this pain. I went for months thinking that God had it out for me. That He took my blessing away because of something I did.

When it had only been one month since I lost Gabriel, I had people expecting me to get "over it." But how do you get over a pain like that? How do you get over a loss in a month? As someone who has never lost anyone that I was really really close to, I didn't know how to deal with the hurt/sadness. I spent a lot of time being angry at God. I never stopped talking to Him, but He heard it ALL from me. And when something bad happened at work or we had to have another car repair, or I heard more about problems in the world, I would get ticked and look up to the heavens and say "Seriously?! What is your deal?"

I had people worried that I was going to walk away from God or tell me that I shouldn't get mad at God. I had people pretend they cared, and I had people who I didn't even know express their sorrow for me. But in the end - God and I still talked. I was allowed to be upset and I was allowed to have my tantrum/anger/etc because in reality - God knew I needed to use that to grieve. He knew I wasn't leaving Him. He knew that I knew I needed Him. And I had/have no intention of ever walking away. But the people who kept saying "don't question God" or "don't get mad at Him" didn't understand that if I hadn't let it all out, I would have turned into a recluse. I might not even have a job now if I did those very things they said because I had to be real with Him. See - Jesus is my Savior and I love Him more than my very life. He saved me a long time ago from the perils of sin. I know someday that I get to spend eternity with Him, and I have no doubt about it. He saved me. But just like any friendship/relationship - you tend to lash out at the people you love the most. And if I hadn't questioned what happened and if I hadn't yelled at Him, maybe I wouldn't be as healthy as I am now. I am not diminishing who God is when I say this...believe me, I have apologized for taking it all out on Him and for treating Him like a punching bag. But I truly believe He understood and He knew my heart. He's an amazing and BIG GOD! He can and He did handle it.

I gotta say - the biggest thing I am thankful for this year - is my God! Because when everyone was telling me to get over it, to move forward, to do this or that...He held me. I am thankful for my God because He didn't even need me to ask for comfort. He provided me comfort. He provided me His arms to cry in. He allowed me to be who I am. And He knew that it was going to be hard to go back to church and even back into His Word. He knew that I would need peace and help, and He provided it when I didn't expect it. He provided a verse to me back in January as a promise....

Early January, I received this email (you can think it is random or you can believe like me, that this was from God): "Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son." Genesis 18:14, NLT

And then two weeks after my dear Gabriel went to heaven, Mama Jo (our dear family friend) gave me the gift below and said that she saw these penguins and thought of me. She also believed she heard the Holy Spirit tell her "This is a promise for Todd and Sarah."

I get goosebumps at that very thought. Maybe you think this is all coincidence, but I don't. I believe God gave me a verse to hold onto through the hardest and darkest time in my life. I believe He spoke through a woman that I love dearly to keep my hope of having children. I believe my kids have a set time that God will bring them into the world. I believe that God hasn't forgotten me, and I believe He will answer. Maybe it won't be as I expect...but instead of wallowing in pity and sadness, I need to keep the hope. And if the Lord never gives us these children, that doesn't change the fact, that He is still God. It doesn't change the fact that God is Holy and knows what is best.

I have hope still...and I didn't believe I could have hope again. I thought that all my hopes were thrown away. Do I know the why? No. But, if there is any comfort...I know God is there. Maybe God has used this horrible event in my life to help me see how much I do need Him. And I do. And I see now how much I do love Him. I hurt still, and I am not perfect at how I handle things...no, I still get envious, I still feel sadness, and I still throw tantrums. But, I know I am closer to God than ever before. I know that I don't have to "play Christian" with Him. I know that I can be real. I know that He holds me and won't let go. I know that if I leave Him, it was because of me. I know that when I return, He will still be there. I know that God saved me from all the sins I ever committed and ever will commit. I know that when bad stuff happens that this isn't all there is in life. I know that I have heaven to look forward to. I know that when I die, I get to see His face, I get to see all of the people who have died before me, I get to hold my sweet Gabriel in my arms and hug him/her for the first time. So much to look forward to! So yeah - this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for God. It's not a generic thankfulness for Him. It took a lot of pain, sadness, and renewal to get this kind of thankfulness.

Another thought - So, are we blessed because we get what we want? I don't think so. I think when people think they are blessed only when they get what they want, they miss the point. I think blessings from God come in all shapes and sizes and are not limited to our view on the blessing. I still feel like I am blessed (though it has taken some time to get there) even if I don't have my Gabriel here. I believe God is taking the heartache and molding me into a woman He will/is using. I believe God is blessing me in many ways...even without children. So if you a person that wants something, but God hasn't given you that "thing," "person," etc yet, don't think you are not being blessed by God. Maybe His blessing on you is that you don't have that right now...maybe His blessing is right in the moment you are in. Maybe He is using you where you are for some greater purpose. So if you have everything you ever wanted, then yes - be thankful!

But if you are still waiting for something, don't sit down and grumble. Get up - and let God use you where you are at! Then when/if God brings you that goal/dream/etc - think of how much more you will appreciate it or how much more victorious that day will feel! :) Some people get everything handed to them, but in my 32 years of life, I have found that the people who have worked harder/struggled and attained some dream/goal even in the midst of hard times, those people have such a greater appreciation for their life, their families, and that goal they worked so hard for.

So until that day - Sarah Marie Taber is believing in God...believing in hope...and thankful for where I am at this moment.

God has blessed me with the most amazing husband ever!! We have only gotten closer these past 4 years of marriage (and 17 years being the best of friends), and I am incredibly thankful for him!

                 

He blessed me (likely in late May/early June 2012) with our little Gabriel, who is in heaven right now. And someday, Todd and I get to see that sweet child and hold him/her in our arms! Gosh, I can't wait!

He blessed me with two very special, loving, and incredible parents! (This was taken at our wedding). I so love them and they will never ever know how much they mean to me! They taught me so much in this life, and even if I hated to admit it, they were right most of the time ;) But I do love them so much!
                                                        

           He blessed me with an incredible sister, almost 24 years ago! I am thankful for her each day! She is also a pride and joy of my heart! We have only gotten closer, and she is also my best friend! And that dear man sitting next her is my soon-to-be brother! They complement each other so very well, and I couldn't be prouder to have him as my brother! They got engaged this year, and I am so glad they will be starting their own life together real soon!

God has also blessed me with friends. I have made some new friends this year, and I have a few close ones from high school and college. Thank you for being there, thank you for your prayers, and thank you for your love. You were there when I needed you the most!

So as rough as this year has been (and it has), I have MUCH to be thankful for. But none of this - NONE of this could have been without my God! And I am more and more thankful for the love of God each day!

So this Thanksgiving, hold tight to your families....hold tight to hope....hold tight to God!! Because nothing else matters!

Tribute to Gabriel

I already posted on facebook, but here is my tribute to Gabriel.

Gabriel Tribute

I wish....

To my friends and family - I wish....


1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn’t mean [Gabriel] doesn’t deserve your recognition.


2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried,  you didn’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.


3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven’t forgotten [Gabriel] and that you do care and understand.


4. I wish you wouldn’t think that I don’t want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about [Gabriel].


5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.


6. I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it’s not all like that.


7. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.


8. I wish you wouldn’t judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.


9. I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m “over it” or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no “normal” way for me to act.


10. I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn’t mean I’m contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.


11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.


12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasnt’t really a baby and that [Gabriel] was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. My baby was real person – and [Gabriel] was alive.


13. My babies due date [February 15, 2013], Mothers Day, celebration times, the day I lost [Gabriel] are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.


14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “”normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.


15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace [Gabriel]. Babies aren’t interchangeable.


16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.


17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one. [I noticed after it had been 2 weeks since it happened, everyone avoided talking to me. Yeah I know, life goes on, but just because life has gone on, doesn't mean that I am "all better." A simple note of encouragement would let me know I am not forgotten.]


18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.


19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying. [And it still hurts, even if that were true!]


20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?


-Author Unknown

Gabriel

I will never forget the day, the day I knew you were inside me

My hands were shaking when I saw the positive test

Seeing a difference in the test that I wasn’t used to seeing

I remember feeling so excited and nervous all at the same time

I wanted to tell your Daddy immediately, as he was sleeping

But then I wanted to tell him in a very special way too

So I went to the store, driving in a daze

I was ecstatic and I wanted to shout to the mountain tops

I instantly remember talking to you

I remembered praising God, and just feeling so in love

So in love with you little one

I walked around the store for what seemed forever

Trying to figure out the perfect way to tell your Daddy

I found a bib, and sweet little ducky pajamas

I already pictured you in those pajamas

I also found the perfect card to tell your Daddy

That we were finally having our beautiful baby

I even told the lady at the cash register

Because I had to tell someone

She didn’t know me, and that was okay

I was already proud to be having you, sweet one

Now it was time to tell your Daddy

He was sleeping, as it was his day off

I put the bib, pajamas, and card in a bag

And waited what seemed forever to let him sleep longer

But it was only 10 minutes, so I just couldn’t hold it anymore

I kissed your Daddy awake, and he sleepily woke up

I put the bag on his chest, and he looked at me so confused

I remember him asking me “what is this for?”

I smiled and told him that I was just so thankful for him

And that I wanted to give him something special for being so great

Still confused, he pulled out the bib and pajamas

Being that I woke him up, he was still groggy

So a minute passed as he is looking at the things

And then all of sudden, he said “What?!”

He just kept saying over and over “What?!”

It was so cute to see your Daddy so surprised

But boy were we on cloud nine that day

We wanted to tell everyone, but decided we should wait until my appointment

I remember us daydreaming all day about you

Thinking about all the things we would do with you

And I was relishing the heartburn and sick stomach I was feeling

As I had been feeling that way for a while, but didn’t know why

My sweet one, I can’t explain how thrilled we were

The tears of joy that were on our face

The excitement and nervousness of finally becoming a parent

And realizing that every single thing I ate

I would now evaluate because I had you to think about

Your Daddy was giddy, but also nervous

We knew this would take a lot of responsibility on our parts

But after praying for you for so long, we didn’t care

We wanted you

You were always wanted

I wanted to put together a crib with penguin stuff all over

Because I knew my child would love penguins

I knew my child would love stuffed animals

Once I knew if you were a boy or girl

I would have the colors of ice blue or purple

I was excited about the idea of seeing you on a sonogram too

I couldn’t wait to see this little life inside me

After being told last year I had PCOS, I wasn’t sure if this day would come

But I really believed you were our little miracle

And you are still…just not the way I thought

I started bleeding, and I was told not to worry

But I was already acting like a mother and worrying about you

I prayed that God would protect you

Well we both did. Your Daddy was already pretty protective of you

But that weekend, we believed you were okay

Then Monday came, and things were not getting any better

In fact, I was only feeling worse

So I went to the doctor earlier than planned

Going into the ultrasound, they couldn’t see you

They said it was either too early, or a failed pregnancy

I was still hopeful that you were still there

And that they just couldn’t see you yet

We planned on another ultrasound later in the week

And I still believed God was taking care of you

Because it wasn’t too bad yet

Tuesday morning came, and that is when I knew

I knew you left us to be with Jesus

I sat and cried and cried and cried

I didn’t want to let you go yet

We weren’t ready to say goodbye

Telling your grandma about you in this way wasn’t what I wanted

I wanted to tell everyone together that all our dreams were coming true

But having to call your grandma to tell her that you were here

But that you went to be with Jesus

Oh the heartache

Knowing you were gone when I had just gotten used to thinking of you there

I am having a hard time dealing with this grief

Both your Daddy and I struggle with this

We wonder why God even allowed us to get pregnant with you

If He was going to take you so quickly

I still don’t have the answer, two weeks later

I still cry at night, I cry in the morning, I just cry

Going to work when I miss you is the worst

I feel guilty if I smile or laugh

I feel like you deserve the best memorial possible

It feels unfair that others get to have their babies

While you, my darling baby, are up in heaven

I know you are in a better place

I know Jesus has you

I know you are in the best place possible

But I still want you here

I want to sing to you as you fall asleep

I want to see your expressions

Watch you pick up Cheerios with your hands

And giggle when we tickle you

I am so sad I have to miss out on that

I am sad that if your Daddy and I have other children

That your brother and sister won’t know you

I am sad that in February 2013, you won’t be in our arms

I am sad

But my dear, Gabriel

We wanted to name you even though we don’t know

If you are a girl or boy

It never mattered to us though

We love you no matter what you are

So Daddy found the name Gabriel

And do you know what your name means?

It means “strength of God”

Perfect name if you ask me for our little angel

I wonder right now if you have met Gabriel from the Bible

I don’t know if you know what we look like

I’d like to think that Jesus has told you about us

That He has held you and showed you a picture of your Mommy and Daddy to you

If not, I wonder if He would share these words with you

I just want you to know, we do love you

We miss you and always will

Even if God blesses us with more children

No one will take your place, sweet Gabriel

You were and always will be our first child

And when people ask if we have kids,

We will say “Yes, we have one in heaven right now.”

My darling angel, I will write you periodically

If nothing more than to deal with my grief

As I am not sure if you will ever see these words

But I know Jesus will tell you how much we love you

And that’s the most important thing I want you to know

So my darling, I look forward to seeing you

Going through this grief, I want to come Home sooner

I want to be in heaven with you right now

And see your sweet face

See the little piece of me and piece of Daddy

Oh how much we love you

No words will ever express how much we miss you, sweet angel

You were so loved in those few short days (even before)

And I am taking it one day at a time

I am holding tight to Jesus right now so I can see you both

So hold a place for me and Daddy

I love you!

Moving Forward in 2012

So it's been a while since I posted on here. A lot has happened since my last post. I took the exam (which I didn't pass, but I am going to try again in October), I had my wonderful 3 year wedding anniversary (see pics) with my sweetheart in Pennsylvania, went to Virginia for Thanksgiving, had Christmas and New Years here in Ohio with family and friends, and then I worked 9 days straight for a huge remediation project in Bremen. Very busy indeed, but grateful for the many blessings that came from all of those experiences (even failing the exam).

Our 3 year anniversary trip in Pennsylvania - this was taken at the Hershey Chocolate Factory on our anniversary!

 Went to Virginia Beach for Thanksgiving to be with my sister! Such a special time together as a family!

 The Taber's ringing in the new year with friends in Columbus!

All dressed in my safety garb in Bremen for the remediation project.


I have been in a mood lately...a mood that is, well...sad! I have been throwing my own self pity parties because 2011 was sucky and I didn't get what I wanted. I have lost people in my life this past year, I have had to pay more for car repairs this year than I expected, I was told that I have PCOS and that I will have a hard time getting pregnant (and it's been a whirlwind of emotions, let me tell you), I didn't pass the PE exam, our neighbors smoke like chimneys and have played their music so loud that it has caused us to really hate living here), and the list goes on. Yeah so maybe not the worst things, but not the best. And I have literally cried over all of those things. I have allowed myself to get so caught up in misery, that I haven't been  much of a friend, wife, daughter, or sister lately. For all of you, I am sorry. I am sorry that instead of looking to Jesus, I looked to myself and my misery and complained. For those who had to deal with my constant emotional rollercoaster, I am sorry. Yeah it sucked, but I wasn't even trying to listen to God. I wasn't even trying to see if there was a lesson I could learn, or if I could gain something positive from that experience. I was so blinded by my own pain and worry and fears, that I probably neglected some of my own family and friends. I am sorry for that. 

Yes, I lost some family and friends this year, and I don't want to talk about those things on here. I don't think it is right to put those people on a blog that others can read about. But, my prayer is that God will heal those relationships. I am praying that I become a better person to those people, and a better prayer warrior. I have learned that prayer does AMAZING things, and I need to be that for those people. Maybe instead of focusing on the hurt, I should be ready always to pray, and to forgive. These experiences have taught me the importance of being authentic. Relationships that are all surface aren't very good relationships. It's when we are real and authentic, willing to hear the good and the bad from a person, that we can grow as people and in those relationships. And the most valuable relationships I have, are the people that love me in spite of my wrongs. Those are the people I want and need in my life. I hope I can be authentic and show love and grace to people, even when I have been hurt.

Also, being told you have PCOS sucks! But there is still hope. Todd has been my champion who will celebrate with me when we have small victories in this area. He has held me when I was so full of sadness too. But I am starting to change certain habits, and I am on some medication too. I believe that God still has our little Caleb or Alexandria in the future, and I am not giving up on that dream! God willing, we will meet them someday soon. And a song came on the radio today that reminded me that God doesn't delay...He has a time and purpose for everything! His plans are NOT on my time table. But until then, I am learning that I want to grow even closer to God and become even better prepared as a mom. Maybe I can't do everything to prepare, but I can grow closer to God, my husband and family, and be the friend that others want too. Those are things I want to show my kids someday. Those are the values I will instill in them.

Yes, I was also hurt when I failed the PE exam, but God showed me that I should keep on trying. He showed me that just because I believed He could make it possible that I pass the exam, He also wants me to really learn the areas that I didn't do very well in. I have another 9 months to prepare, but that's okay. I know the areas I need to dive into, and I also learned that all that preparation I did last year wasn't in vain. I did SOOOO much better. I even got 100% on a hard section. So I can't really complain. I do believe God wants me to really understand those sections (only a couple) that I didn't do well in. He wants me to excel too! We always focus so much on having God help us and make things happen, but we should also realize, we shouldn't expect God to do it all! He gave us a brain, two hands, and two feet for a reason. We need to put sweat into it. And maybe I thought I prepared very well last time, but I learned there are two other sections that really need work too. And then in October when I take it again, I will be all the more ready. Lord willing, I will pass it too. Maybe those two sections are sections that I will need to do well in the exam so I can do well in those areas in my work life. And honestly, when I do pass, no one will be more excited and feel more thrilled than me!

And lastly, we have had to pay for repairs, and God has always provided the funds to do it. And yeah our neighbors are pretty darn rude and terrible, but even that has gotten better. God has provided and taken care of us through all of those tough times, and He gave us pretty amazing times too. I guess this blog was more or less to say that I am sorry to those that I have neglected because I was so focused on my sadness. And it's also to say that God is teaching me, and I hope and pray that regardless of what happens in 2012, that I am the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend that I can be. I will mess up, as I am not perfect. But I will do my best.

Thank you to those who stuck it out with me in 2011...to those who love me in spite of my emotional rollercoaster rides...and to those that want a real, authentic relationship with me.