What's in a Name?

 

That's our little prince!

So we've announced that our baby is a BOY! :) I am sure you can all tell by my Facebook page! Truth is - we were ecstatic regardless if we were having a boy or a girl. I can't say I know a lot about little boys, but this boy's momma does love monster trucks, playing in the dirt, playing with Legos, etc. So I can do it! :) And I know my husband will be amazing!

People asked us what we were going to name our kids. We had them picked out for years. And we took a lot of time and thought into it. From the Bible days, people named their children strong names...something that ended up saying a lot about those children. People didn't name their kids randomly...it was a big deal. Your name says a lot about you! So - we named him Caleb Isaac for a reason...

Caleb - I had this name for years now. I always loved the story of Caleb from the Bible. If you don't know the story (because not everyone does), God had promised Moses that the Israelites would be led into the Promised Land. The Israelites sent 12 spies into the land to check out who was there and develop strategies to defeat them. Well one of those spies was Caleb! When they came back, all of them except for Caleb and Joshua came back with a very negative report. They expressed fear and said there were giants and didn't trust that they could do it! But Caleb (and Joshua) trusted in his God enough because look at what happened with the Red Sea (come on now...how can you not trust in God after you see that?!). He had faith that even though they were bigger, they would defeat the enemies and still be able to settle in the land God had promised. He was faithful! And because of his faithfulness, only Joshua, Caleb, and the younger generation were allowed to go in. And I just found his faith so amazing and right on with what I want from my own boy! I want my son to be so close and so faithful to God all his life. I pray that Todd and I will instill that in him! 

Isaac - We originally were going with another middle name. But it was changed when I first found out I was pregnant with him. As you have read, I had a couple of negative tests, and so when I took the last test, I didn't think it would be positive. In fact, I only saw one line at first. But then...there was the 2nd line. And I laughed. I mean it - I was laughing so hard because it was just AMAZING! I was laughing because after all those fertility treatments, God did it on His own! And I found myself relating to Sarah from the Bible from a different perspective. She was very old to have a child and she laughed at the thought of having a son (even though God promised). I also had my moments of doubt and laughed at the idea because the only thing I experienced was pain (losing at least one child) and then struggling to get pregnant. But then - when it happened, all I could do was laugh and say "Wow you got me God!" We laugh because He gave us this beautiful little boy out of the heartache and pain. And I truly believe, our son (wow so awesome to say that) will live up to his name. He will bring us laughter. That I am sure!

So our dear, sweet Caleb Isaac is coming! And we are most thankful for him this year! Seriously - I haven't even met him face to face and looked into his eyes, and we are in love with this sweet boy. He is our little prince! This year has been such a crazy ride, and there have been joyous moments and a lot of hard times too! But, it was just so fitting to end the year knowing we were having a baby boy and starting 2014 with a bang!

And if there is anything I can say as we say goodbye to 2013 and welcome in 2014 - appreciate all the moments and never give up on your dreams! Never!

I wish all of you a wonderful and blessed 2014!

Love,
Todd, Sarah, and Caleb :)

18 week update! :)

How far along? 18 weeks, 5 days

Total weight gain/loss: I haven't weighed myself, but my next Dr's appt. is coming up.

Maternity Clothes? Yes! My sister and Mom took me shopping (and it was sooo much fun!). I got some cute clothes for sure and they feel great! Below is a picture of my favorite top that I got.

 

 My favorite shirt that I got when we went shopping.

 

Stretch marks? just a tiny bit

Sleep: I get up a lot in the night due to a variety of reasons. However, mostly it's been because I have been coughing a lot lately.

Best moment this week: Christmas fun with family! :) Below shows an awesome gift from my parents. They made this cute penguin for the baby's room. Mom designed the penguin and Dad helped cut it out. So cute and perfect!

Cute little penguin to go on the wall in the baby's room

 

My sister is so excited about being an aunt! ;)

Miss Anything? I still miss caffeine. I also miss being able to eat mexican food without feeling bad!

Movement? Just little flutters every now and then. I felt them for the first time at 16 weeks and 6 days on 12/13/14. So fun! And I do believe I felt him or her on Christmas day. Just slight flutters!

Food Cravings? Eh not really. I LOVE cereal. That has been the one constant through this pregnancy so far. Cereal is my favorite thing in the world to eat! But then, it's always been!

Anything making you queasy or sick? Anything with a kick to it...we went out to get some mexican, and I couldn't eat it very long. Mexican is my favorite food, but this baby definitely has an adversion to it.

Have you started to show? Yeah I think so. I think the maternity clothes really "show" it off! :)

Labor Signs? No and I am praying that I won't for a long time.

Belly button in or out? In

Wedding rings off or on? On still.

Happy or Moody most of the time? Oh so moody! When I think I am feeling normal, then there comes a moment where I get all sad or mad or whatever for no reason at all. My poor husband! Pray for him ;) He is such a super Daddy. He has been more than patient and shows me so much love and concern, even when I'm moody brat! ;)

Wisdom: I still say - enjoy every moment of pregnancy. There are plenty of people who would love to be able to carry a baby/be pregnant. I don't take it for granted.

Looking forward to: We just had a wonderful Christmas, and now I am looking forward to New Years Eve. We have a Dr's appointment on New Years Eve and hopefully find out the baby's gender! I am praying that Baby Taber lets us see! :) Plus, it will just be fun being with friends that night and spending New Years with my sweets!  

 

Todd and I in front of my parent's Christmas tree! I love this man!

Baby Taber - Pregnancy Update for 16 weeks!!

So I wanted to have some fun with this blog and share some of the pregnancy experiences. The past 16 weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, but mostly thankfulness because we have gotten this far! So here is where I am at 16 weeks. I have posted some belly shots. The last time I posted a belly shot, I was 7 weeks, so I thought it was important to show a difference since then.

 Baby Taber at 16 weeks (profile)

 

Just the belly looking down

 

How far along? 16 weeks exactly

Total weight gain/loss: apparently I haven't gained any weight since September. However, my Dr. says it's okay. He didn't want me to gain too much and too fast. So he isn't concerned. However, I am hoping I gain some weight in the next few weeks so I feel like baby is getting the food he or she needs!

Maternity Clothes? No - just the Bella Band, which only sometimes works. But, I can't wait to go shopping with my Mom and sister.

Stretch marks? just a tiny bit

Sleep: It's been rough. I have a lot of vivid dreams and nightmares. Plus, I get up more in the night because I have to use the restroom.

Best moment this week: Hands down - Hearing baby's heartbeat at 15 weeks, 3 days! We also learned that the baby can hear our voices this week, so we are reading this book that my family used to read at Christmas time called "A Story A Day Til Christmas." We take turns reading the little short stories, and Todd really gets into it! He loves talking to the baby!

Miss Anything? Sometimes I miss caffeine. I want a Cherry Zero bad! I also want to eat a subway sandwich, but I can't eat deli meat.

Movement? Not yet, and from what I hear, I won't know right away that what I am feeling is the baby. But I can't wait to know for sure whether baby is moving!

Food Cravings? Nothing out of the ordinary. For the first couple of months, I wanted pizza all of the time! Now, not so much. I still do love bread!

Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really. I sometimes feel a little icky after eating something with a tomato base to it.

Have you started to show? A little, but I am not sure if it is real "baby bump." Right now, I feel more fat than anything ;) As long as baby is okay, that's all that matters.

Labor Signs? NO!

Belly button in or out? In

Wedding rings off or on? On still.

Happy or Moody most of the time? Moody sometimes because of stress from work, etc. But I don't know that it is due to my pregnancy. But I am happy for sure!

Wisdom: Enjoy every second! I spent my first trimester in panic mode, and I was always worrying. I am tired of that attitude and I want to enjoy every minute!

Looking forward to: I am looking forward to Christmas for sure with my family! I can't wait to see my sister and she hasn't seen me in person since I announced our pregnancy! Plus, I can't wait until New Year's Eve when we see our baby and hopefully find out whether we are having a boy or girl. We don't care what we have, but we can't wait to just know. Because then, we can start calling him or her by his or her name!  

 

A Story A Day Til Christmas - what we read to Baby Taber during Christmastime

 

 

We also go to hang our family ornament up this year, and I just love it! So perfect for this year!

 



 

Last but certainly not least - we recorded our baby's heartbeat at the Dr's this week. I wanted to have something to keep with me always and hear his or her heartbeat! :) Nothing to see, just hear! :)

 



 

So there is guaranteed to be more exciting updates in the future, so please stay tuned! :) 

Thankfulness this November

So here it is...2nd trimester! :)

I never thought I would get through that first one. I wasn't sick too much (maybe a few times here and there), but mostly I was sick with worry. I hate admitting that about myself. I don't want to be that worrier. Nothing good comes from worrying anyway, but that's what I did for the first trimester. I worried. I started off the first few weeks with so much faith, and then I just fell into the trap of worrying. I think it is because of my first loss. I remember the pain of that and I don't know, I just kept feeling anxious as time went on. That all my happiness was in vain and that eventually, something bad would happen. I hate that I did that to myself. It didn't help that we had car repairs out the wazoo, and now we have to deal with a less than ideal, healthcare plan for 2014. And all of that...all of that weighed on our hearts.

And it hasn't helped that I also had crazy nightmares for the past few weeks too! Ones that put me into tears. I don't understand all the hormones and emotions I am feeling, and sometimes it can be overwhelming. But, I want to be strong and do the best I can for this little one. After years of trying and going through loss, and then giving up on the fertility meds and just working a little harder to get healthier, then it happened. Our little miracle is there. I won't say I dont' worry now...'cause I do. But I also know that is from the devil. You ever feel like you are being under attack? It's like so much has come up against us to make us panic and steal our joy. I hate that too! I don't want to live in fear, and I want to enjoy my pregnancy! I want to enjoy every single minute, day, and week of this little one.

There was something amazing that happened when we got to hear our baby's heartbeat on our 5 year wedding anniversary! THAT was amazing! I still have those times where I wonder if the next visit will be bad news, but I have to rebuke those thoughts. Because it's not going to do me or the baby ANY good. So prayers for me and Todd are always appreciated.

But enough of that stuff - here is the fun stuff I want to share. I wanted to post this as a time to share my thankfulness! This year has been quite a roller coaster, but I think it is important to share the things you are most thankful for (especially since Thanksgiving is just next week!).

So here it is - I am thankful for:

• God first and foremost! There are no words for what this year has been like for us. I remember releasing balloons and praying to God for healing as we still struggled over the loss of Gabriel. I remember the peace He gave us when we did that. I remember how he made it possible for me to go to my favorite state TWO times this year (Colorado), and just be in those mountains. I remember that morning in Colorado Springs, when I woke up to the most beautiful morning with this heavenly appearance right over Pikes Peak. The clouds looked like hands. Some may think that is just cheesy or ridiculous, but it was comfort to me. It really looked like it could have been God's hands! And I just felt a peace! Or when He surprised me with the knowledge that we were expecting this little one. I mean I took like 2 tests in 2 weeks time and they were both negative. I didn't believe I was pregnant! And then the "chance" time where I just took one last chance and one last test - and there it was - two pink lines! Or the joy He gave me when I first saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound. It was seriously like church in there...I never felt closer to God than in that moment. He was there with me as I got to see this little miracle's heart beating and probably for the first time! It was AMAZING! Or when Dr's thought I could be miscarrying, but instead, it was good news and I wasn't as far along as they thought because I am not a normal woman! I loved being right in that! :) Just goes to show you that Dr's don't know it all! I loved how God just held me through my fears. I have prayed more than I ever have, and I think that is a really good thing. I hear Him talk to me in the night when I am scared about something, and I have felt His peace. I know that the devil wants me to fear and worry, but my God is bigger than any of that. I won't lie though and say I don't sometimes have doubts. But God has and continues to work on my heart! I just know that if it weren't for Him, I seriously think I would be dead. I really do. I don't feel like sharing all of those things on here, but I know it is God who helped and continues to guide me and Todd and our little family! :) And while I still sometimes worry or stress about how we are going to pay for things, etc - deep in my heart, I hear His words to me saying "Sarah, I won't leave you. You need to just let it go and trust Me."

 

• My darling husband of 5 years! This marriage has gone through a lot in just a small amount of time, but God has been incredible through it all and helped us through those things. And even though we have gone through plenty of trials, I am more in love with my husband than I was when I first said "I Do." He makes me so happy...and life is just better with him in it! And watching him bond already with this little baby just brings tears to my eyes. The way he prays over this baby and will talk to him or her already! I love it! I love him!

• My children! I have one in heaven that I still love and someday will get to see! And yes it was a challenge to get through tha loss, but I learned so much in that process! And this little one growing! What a surprise it was when we first found out. I didn't think I was, and then I was completely surprised! I love learning what is happening each week of his or her growth. It's so amazing. How can you not be amazed at the miracle of life? How can you deny a Creator when you see the amazing things about a child and their growth. It's amazing how my baby started as just a few cells and now, there is this little person that is the size of my fist and has all of the body parts, etc. The heartbeat was the best thing in the world to hear! I can't wait to see his or her face! I can't wait to know if we are having a boy or a girl. I can't wait to talk to him or her by the name we have picked out and prayed over! I can't wait to look into his or her eyes for the first time! I just can't wait!

Memory Necklace for Gabriel in Heaven

 Sonagram of Baby Taber (2013)

• My Family! Seriously - I have the best family! My parents and sister, Jen and brother, Wes! I just love them so very much! We have had some amazing joys this year with the union of Jen and Wes! That was an amazing day!! :) I love my brother very much too! I love the excitement my family has had ever since we told them about the baby! I love that they are more than just excited - they are giddy!! :) I love that my Dad will call me up and say "How is my granddaughter doing?" He really thinks this baby is a girl, and maybe we are having a girl. Who knows! But I love that this baby is LOVED so much by his or her family! I wish we could see Jen and Wes for Thanksgiving and they will be missed SOOO MUCH! But they won't be far from our thoughts and minds and prayers as they go through exams! I also cannot wait to see them in December! Oh happy day! :) I love my parents for just who they are...they inspire me, and give me so much! I just love this family!

• My Family By Blood and Love! These people are amazing! You know who you are! You are more than just friends to us, you are family! I think of well over 20 people who fit this description! It is people like them who have prayed for us, celebrated with us, grieved with us, etc that are our true family! We love spending time with you when we can see you, and even if there are miles apart from us, we still are close because we catch up on places like Facebook. Facebook has its issues for sure, but I am thankful for the encouragement, love, and joy I get even if we are apart!
• My work! Some days I don't like it, but for the most part, I am pretty happy with my job! I feel challenged there, and my leadership role on JuMP has just been amazing for me! I am thankful that I really got to grow and learn leadership this year in a very challenging, and "outside my comfort zone" kind of way! I loved being responsible for funding some amazing community involvement events! I loved sharing in those exciting times! It has been an incredible blessing!
• And the list really could go on....

So take time this week to think about what you are most thankful for! It can be really easy to focus on all the negative, and believe me, I have done enough of that this year. But, when I put my eyes on the good, it was amazing what came from that! Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and I pray that you get to see your families, and if you don't, that you take time to talk to them on the phone or Skype! I pray that you have a blessed time with your families and friends, and I pray that in all the bad that there is in this world, that you focus on the blessings you have. I say this to myself just as much as I say this to you!

Enjoy the turkey and your family and friends! :) Much love to all!

The day our newest blessing came into our lives…

By this title – yes that’s true. We are pregnant!! J I’m still in shock!

I had “felt” pregnant as early as late August; however, the first test I took was negative. Well – still thinking I was, I waited until Friday, September 6^th. And much to my dismay, it was negative. I was so disappointed. For years now, we have been trying, and we had one (possibly two) miscarriage in there that just rocked our world. Most people were aware of that difficult time, as I found a voice and shared some of my deepest hurts.

But, for the past few months, I have been on a lifestyle change (for the good)! I was walking and doing exercises every day, I was eating SOOOO much better for me, and I felt good. In fact, in 7 weeks’ time, I lost 10 lbs! I was so proud of myself. I thought that maybe this just meant God wanted me to get healthier, and so I just kept on going. I was disappointed for a couple of days, and I still didn’t understand why I didn’t have my cycle (but not overly confused because I do have a history of crazy cycles). But no matter, I still kept going. It was September 13^th, when I decided to take one last test because I was like “Well, I need to know for sure so I can get ready to take some meds that “kick start” my cycle again.” So that morning I took a test, and at first I thought I only saw one pink line (like before), and I took another minute, and looked and to my shock and surprise – there were two pink lines! TWO!!!! No way – could this be? I can’t be pregnant! Really, God?!! And then I just started laughing! I was in complete shock! And then I kept saying to myself, “I knew I was pregnant, and I let a test make me depressed!” And there was lots of thank you’s to God at that moment too! J

I could have told my husband in a very romantic way or some crazy surprise, but as I learned the first two times I had positive tests in the past, I didn’t want to wait to do anything. I just wanted to tell him then. I didn’t know how long I would get to be excited about this little one because of my history. So as my husband woke up, I said…”Well sweetie, looks like I won’t be having champagne for my birthday dinner after all.” And I smiled really big! He got my hint – and we hugged instantly! And on that following Monday (September 16^th), the Dr’s confirmed it! So what a FANTASTIC birthday present!!

Side bar – we had been trying with fertility drugs for well over a year and a half, and those drugs can really take a toll on a woman. They made me feel awful and I just didn’t like them. Plus – you can only take it so many times before your body just doesn’t do what is intended with those drugs. So after April 2013, we were off any drugs for like 3 months! So that’s what made this extra special. This wasn’t science (which I have nothing bad to say about that because God made science, and I will never condemn science), this was all God!! Not only do I have PCOS (which makes it SUPER hard to conceive), we also stopped fertility drugs. So I didn’t expect it to happen. But so incredibly thankful it did!

So after a week has passed and I was getting blood taken by the vampires (a.k.a the medical lab technicians) like every few days to test my hormone levels, I finally told my family! I gave my parents a onesie that says “I love my Grandma and Grandpa!” and we also told Jen and Wes on Skype! So much joy! I never had joy with pregnancy before. I only had fear and dread and sadness. I only ever got to call my mom to tell her that I was miscarrying. So of course, I had some fear still, wondering if my hormone levels were doing as they should. The ultrasound technician also said they didn’t see much on the ultrasound and expected based on my last cycle that I should be 7 weeks. But, I was measuring 4 weeks with my gestational sac, and that could either mean I was just MUCH earlier than they thought or I was losing this one as well. Well, I knew in my heart they had to be wrong by assuming 7 weeks. I knew that because again – this girl has never been normal, and so to compare me like the normal females out there was just plain stupid. And then the hormone level results came back – YES they were doubling as they were supposed to!

And Thursday, September 26^th – they wanted me to come back in for another ultrasound. They had told me they didn’t expect to see a heartbeat, but there on the screen, was the beautiful fluttering of our baby! Our baby’s heartbeat! Words cannot express how I felt that day. I had never felt joy like this…there was our baby! They even told me that normally you can’t see a heartbeat until 5 weeks 5 days, and that just so happened to be what I was measuring at. And it made me just speechless. I thought about how maybe that heart just started beating that morning, and it made me think about the verse “You knit me together in my mother’s womb…” and tears just filled my eyes. This baby already has some great purpose because God knows each of us so intimately, and He knew me and you well before our parents even knew us. And here was our baby – He knows this baby too! He has a divine purpose for this little one, and more tears in my eyes! Wow! Never have I visited the OBGYN and felt like I had been at church! All in that moment – God whispered to me “Sarah, enjoy the moment. Enjoy it!” And I did! I texted Todd that I got to see our baby’s heartbeat and he told me that when he saw that, he teared up. He was just as overwhelmed. I came home from work and he was just so incredibly giddy and all smiles. We went out to celebrate our baby’s heartbeat! J And since we found out, I have fallen so much more in love with my husband, but it’s because of the way he is already being daddy to this little one. I don’t want to share all of our intimate details because some of those are just for us. But, wow…just wow! I am still in awe!

So now I am 7 weeks 1 day as I am writing this, and I am still in just amazement. We pray every single day over this child, and we intend on doing that throughout the pregnancy too. And there is so much more I could share, but I will save it or just keep it in my heart. But – again – no words can ever express my gratitude to God. I know He is the Author and Giver of life! And He gave us this beautiful baby (I know right now, he or she looks like a little blob, but that’s our baby)!

I know that some people are probably surprised and are “holding their breath” because I announced my pregnancy not at the 13 week mark, but at 7 weeks. I know just as much as anyone that anything can happen and your life can change in an instant! I know – I get it. But Todd and I have committed to faith in God through this instead of allowing fear to rule our hearts. My flesh says “panic” and “worry.” But my God says to leave it in His Hands and trust that He has everything in control. In fact, in 2 Timothy 1:7, it says “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” And let me tell you, I’ve been praying that every single day since I found out. We know that God has this baby in His arms and we know God is in control.

So will you please join us in praying for this little life as we continue on through the weeks and months until May 24, 2014 (our due date)?! We believe firmly in the power of prayer, and I ask for your continued prayers over this child as well. Thank you already for those prayers (and you didn’t even know what you were praying for)! We have an amazing family of support that encompass our family by blood and our family by love! We couldn’t be where we are without God of course, but also without your support and love.

Stay tuned for more of Baby Taber’s journey in the upcoming months! J

Exercise is Building My Marriage and My Confidence

So I was really disappointed in photos of me from my sister's wedding, even though I had been working out and trying to eat healthier at least two months prior to the wedding. But then I saw those photos, and I admit - I was just sad. It broke my heart to see what I allowed myself to become. Not to give excuses though - but PCOS and fertility drugs haven't helped matters either. I know that some of the weight gain has been related to my PCOS and fertility drugs I have been on. But, a lot of it, and I mean a lot of it, has been due to my depression and just all around feeling bad about myself.

 You see, since I can remember, I have always had a low self-esteem. I never felt like I was very pretty, and I never saw others viewing me as being pretty. Maybe they did, but I just never felt like I was going to be the "pretty" one. It's not a good attitude to have by any means, but that's how I have felt. I was teased a lot in school and called all sorts of names. Even as a kid, I was called "cow" or "hog," but when I look at the photos of me back then, I don't think I was fat by any means. And yes - that kind of stuff happened to everyone. But, I think whenever we moved to a new place, I had to find some way to feel accepted. And when I was made fun of, it didn't help matters. So instead of having my confidence built up, most of the time, I heard those things and just assumed it was true.

I never thought a boy would ever think I was pretty. I remember thinking that as a young pre-teen and teenager. And then when we moved to Ohio, I remember praying that maybe God would allow some boy to think I was pretty. Even then - I didn't see my value the way that God sees me. I saw it through what others saw about me. But God brought Todd Taber in my life, and that boy showed me that I had a lot more going on than just my physical appearance. He told me I was beautiful, but he always tried to build me up and show me the things about me that were more beautful, and that was my heart. Being in cross country also gave me confidence - I was in prime shape, but I still saw myself as this fat girl, even when I was the skinniest I've ever been. I look at the photos of me from back then, and I am in awe that I even had those opinions about myself. I looked nice, and yet I couldn't see it even then.

I think I got to a point after trying various diets, that I got tired of doing it. I got tired of trying to "feel pretty." I knew from God's Word that a person's worth is more than their appearance, and while I still would work out and would try different diets, I found myself liking who I was, more than how I looked. I think that's how it should be for sure. When I was close to God, I found myself liking myself more. When I lived in New Jersey, it was just me out there. So I had no choice, but find a way to like myself and do things for me. When I moved back to Ohio, and Todd and I started dating again, he was always encouraging me and making me feel good about myself then too. When we got married, I knew my husband loved me for who I was, and no matter what I looked like. Maybe I let that get out of control, I don't know. But when I found out that I had PCOS, I thought really bad things about me. Like maybe I did this to myself. Or maybe I am not worth enough to have a child. And then when we lost our baby in July 2012, depression set in. I lost a lot of confidence. I saw myself as ugly again, I saw myself as obviously an "unfit" mother because I couldn't even keep my own child alive (All wrong things to think - I know this now). I even struggled with thoughts that I don't dare share on here and no one even knows, except God and Todd. But to sum up - I was in bad shape.

And though Todd never stopped loving me or never stopped telling me I was beautiful, I didn't listen to him anymore. I didn't listen to God's opinion. No one. I lost all that confidence, and I found myself just sinking lower and lower. Food was comfort, and there were many times the words that came to my mouth to Todd after work (many days) were "Honey, I had a bad day. Can we go get something..." And that something was never anything of health or value. And after I was done eating it, I still felt bad, and a little worse because I knew it wasn't good for me.

When I knew Jen's wedding was coming up, I really didn't want to look bad in pictures. I started to work toward losing some weight and doing a little bit of exercise each week about 2 months prior. Then Todd thought it would be fun if we went walking every night or most nights together, and that it would be a good way to exercise and spend quality time together. I loved it. I loved that he looked forward to our walks together too. And we had decided in early June to also NOT eat out every week and stop spending money on fast food, restaurant food, etc and cook more at home. The past 3 months have been great. We cook dinner together (or if I am cooking, he will also clean up dishes), we go on walks together, and I really think all around, our communications with each other has gotten better. It's true what they say - when you start getting disciplined in one area of your life, then the other areas start to do the same! I found myself having more energy, wanting to exercise, craving healthier meals, and also looking forward to feeling and looking better. I also found that our marriage was really getting spark back into it, and that I wanted to spend more time with God.

I read something recently that was on Pinterest - it was this inpirational pin that said "If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it." And I think a lightbulb went off again and I was starting to see me as God sees me. If God thinks I am beautiful, maybe I should start living that way. He never stopped loving me...not once. He gave me a husband that continues to tell me I am beautiful through all the good and bad times. He has given me strength and the desire to keep going as well. And as much as I appreciate others rooting me on, what I appreciate most is that 1.) My God doesn't look at me and see the "fat cow" I've been calling myself lately - no instead He sees me. He sees me as His beautiful princess and loves me more than anyone could ever love me. And yes He wants me healthy too, but He knows I need to hear more that He adores me and loves me right where I am. 2.) I appreciate that my husband has NEVER given any innuendo that I was ugly or gaining weight or anything of the sort. He knows my self esteem has been low, and instead, he only built me up. I do believe that Todd saw I wanted to change things, and he came up with the idea to not only exercise together, but spend quality time together too.

I love that I am starting to notice a difference in how I look too. I am seeing the differences, and I am feeling better. I know my self esteem will only get better as I continue on this journey, and I hope that getting healthier will also lead to another child that I can actually go to term with and raise. I so want to be a mommy of a child here on this earth. I so want it, and I think I want it more now than I did 3 years ago. So getting healthy will only help. But, I also want this more for me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to see me as God sees me. I want to grow closer to my husband and see me how he sees me too.

So my self-esteem is quite fragile, but I am leaning more on Jesus to help me with it, and He keeps whispering to me He loves me and gives me the strength I need to keep going.

Speaking of exercise...I think it's time to get going on that for the day! :)

Mountain Retreat, Holding On To Promises, and Celebrations (Summer 2013)

So much has happened in the past month...I went to Colorado again June 29th through July 1st (mostly for work), but I had the best retreat and time with God that weekend in the mountains. And "it just so happened" that this trip to Colorado fell upon the one year anniversary of my Gabriel's passing to heaven. I was really worried about how I was going to get through it, and then the trip fell on that weekend. As my Mom has said, she thinks this was one of those examples of God "winking" at me. He gave me this beautiful time being where I am truly happy - the mountains of Colorado. It wasn't even perfect weather, but somehow, I just felt like God had His Loving Arms around me the whole time. I visited the Garden of the Gods, and I went to a scenic view to see Pikes Peak and Colorado. My hotel was facing the mountains, so I had such a gorgeous view, and thankfully because of hotel points, I stayed there for free! I truly believe the trip was designed by God for me...He knew I needed that time with Him. I felt his presence and it was just wonderful. In fact, one of the photos I captured, really looks like hands...and I just viewed it as God's Hands!

Garden of the Gods

Garden of the Gods and Pikes Peak in the Background

Pikes Peak - So beautiful!!

Taken from my hotel bed - this was my view as the sun was setting

Can you see the Hands?! So believe those were God's Hands!

 

I still miss Gabriel, that's for sure. And when I came back, Todd and I took the day (July 2nd) off because we felt it was important to take the time as a remembrance. You probably think I am crazy because I miss my baby that I never got to meet. You probably think I have no clue what it means to be a mom, but if you think those things, you obviously have no idea what it means to lose a child. No I didn't know what my baby's face looked like, and no I never got to hold Gabriel - but there was love and dreams for that child. We had been dreaming of that child for so long, and there was so many hopes and dreams, and then to lose that dream in an instant. Very humbling and very difficult. We will never be the same, so if you expect that, it won't happen. This has changed me and my life is different. I do see how we are to hold loosely those things or people in our life we hold dear because we aren't guaranteed even our next breath. So if nothing else, this year, I learned how to appreciate every moment with your loved ones, enjoy every opportunity given, and also trust in God in a way I have never done or known. I still feel lost sometimes, and sometimes I fall back, but God is my strength and I can and will be strong. And I know that God's promises are true and that someday, Todd and I will be a mommy and daddy of a baby here on earth. The Lord's ways our not our ways, and I trust Him with that.

But July was also a month of preparation for my sister's wedding! We had our last girly night together with her being unmarried, and we talked about the upcoming wedding, went shopping, went to a baseball game (Dayton Dragons), and we watched a girly movie too!

And then it was rehearsal day - lots of reunions with her friends, the rehearsal, and rehearsal dinner. We went to Olive Garden for our rehearsal dinner, and it was such a bonding time. Wes gave my Dad a check for 24 million (fake big check) because my Dad was always saying how marrying Jennifer wasn't free and that he wanted to get paid. Haha! And then Wes brought out this big check...great moment!

 

We stayed up so late the night before finishing up some decorations and talking...just the bridesmaids, bride, and Mom and Dad! It was memorable!

Then comes wedding day - the day finally came! The church is absolutely beautiful and is located at St. Clare's Convent - Very ornate and beautiful. The reception was at the Centennial Barn, and it was very beautiful too. My feet hurt like crazy - the things you do for pretty shoes! But I won't remember all the pain from the shoes - I will remember the way Jen looked as she came down the aisle with my Dad, and the look on Wes' face! It was priceless. Their giddiness was so cute, and that's how it should be! It was beautiful seeing their first kiss as husband and wife, and it was wonderful being around loved ones that mean the world to us. We had some people not show, but in the end, those who really mattered, those who really cared - they were there! And now Jen and Wes are on their honeymoon in Utah. So looking forward to seeing them before they head back to Virginia. :)

Walking down the aisle...love this photo!

All of the bridal party :)

You may now kiss your bride, Wes! :)

Bubbles!!! :)

 

Giving my toast :) I was so nervous!

Haha!! Jen got him good! :) And that is the cake Mom made in the background!

 

Dancing their first dance as husband and wife! :)

 

Dancing with my prince :)

 

 

Best wishes to the newlyweds - my sister, Jen and my new brother Wes! I love you both so very much!

Dear Self....You are Still Standing

Dear Self,

Life doesn't seem fair, does it? You have seen many women who seem to have it all. And when you think of what it means "having it all," you really mean they have the one thing you want!
You get riled up and hurt when you see women on the news who get a baby when they are horrible and abusive.You get sad when you see your friends, family members, and coworkers get pregnant because you know at this time right now, you would have a 4 month old.

You have said words to others that you can't take back all because of your grief. And when you thought that the people you love would be there, you see that life is pretty lonely now. You have lost friends over the last couple of years, you have lost family and feel betrayed by their treatment.
You seem to think that you are even entitled to have a baby because of all that pain.

You noticed early on how people forget about your grief, and make talk like everything is hunkydory. You noticed that life goes on for everyone else, while you just want to curl up in a ball sometimes.

You love and adore your husband, and have enjoyed your talks and walks together lately. He makes you smile, he makes you feel secure...but mostly, he's just there. But even despite your love for him, you need to admit that you are really scared and really sad about the prospect of never ever having those kiddos you dreamed of. You have names for kids "Caleb Michael" and "Alexandria Grace."  The most perfect names for your kids that aren't even conceived yet...a combination of love between your husband and you! However, you have one child that is that combination of love...that is in heaven right now living and laughing. You have one child that has the image of you and Todd. You have one child in heaven that has never and will never know the pain of this life. He or she gets to sit on the lap of Jesus anytime, and talk with people that you have only read about. Remember that Sarah...remember Gabriel is okay. He or she is more than okay. And also remember - you are okay. You are making it, day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. You are a survivor. And when everyone is smiling about whatever is going on in life, you smile too because  you want to survive each day. And also know that someday...someday you will see that sweet Gabriel. You have dreamt of that precious baby many times, but you will see him or her and you will someday be able to say that he or she was a boy or girl. You will get to laugh and hold him or her, and you will walk together on the streets of gold.  You have someone there waiting for your arrival - so you keep holding on!

Life is hard, but you are becoming strong in the process. Remember when you couldn't even bear talking in front of others, and now while you don't like it too much, you know you can do it. You became strong...and even if no one mentions Gabriel's name, you mention it. You keep that small memory alive. Because honestly - you and Todd know the truth. You keep standing and you keep living. That's the best thing you can do for anyone...including Gabriel.

And I think it would be good to have a list of things to do/remember to keep yourself going - so here are some starters:

• Keep holding onto Jesus...He holds you when you cry and He laughs with you when you are happy. He gives you those rainbows and moments that make you smile because He loves you and wants to bless you. He knows you have hard times, and He knows you get sad. He understand that and wants you to just keep holding onto Him. He won't let go...not ever!
• Forgive yourself when you have bad days because bad days are going to happen.
• Love yourself even when others leave you...if they couldn't stay, that doesn't mean you are any less of a friend or a person. It just means they weren't the kind of friend or family that you want in your life anyway
• Show kindness to strangers and remember that we all have something we are going through. So if someone is rude, remember that maybe they have something on their mind that is causing the rudeness. That does happen.
• Fall madly in love with your husband each and every day! Remember all the reasons you married that man - he is your best friend and love of your life. He is the head of this home and someone you love and deeply respect. He makes you laugh and he really "gets" you. Apart from Jesus Himself, he knows you better than anyone. So continue to shower him with love, respect, and honor. He deserves it because he's been a rock to you when no one else was around. He deserves it because he is your husband and he would walk through fire for you.
• Do your best in work - you are loving this new JuMP program you helped start, and sometimes you wonder if you are doing a good job in this new role, but you are. You are growing and others see that in you. Also do your best as an engineer. Keep looking for those projects that inspire you and make you excited, but also, do your best as if you are doing it for the Lord. Because even if that means you are groundwater sampling, be a cheerful person even in that.
• Shower your family (blood or not) with love and grace - No, your family isn't perfect, but no family is. Remember that your family accepts you when you make mistakes, do the same for them. Show them that you would do anything you could for them and be the kind of daughter and sister that God called you to be. Show them respect and love...spend time with them every chance you get. Because we aren't guaranteed another minute, so use your time wisely and invest yourself in your family.
• Laugh and spend time with friends - take every moment you can to spend time with friends. Make new friends at church, make new friends at work, make new friends....but also appreciate the friendships that have stood through thick and thin with you. You know they will still be there when you are 40-50-60-70....but cherish those moments and never allow yourself to be "too busy" for them.
• Keep at your photography...even if it is something random. You enjoy learning new things, so look up new things you can do. Your photography is your hobby and something you take a lot of pride in. And just because it's not a sunny day, doesn't mean you can't find value in a photo. Take advantage of opportunities you are given to share your photography as well.
• Travel as much as you can...money can sometimes keep that from happening, but when you have the opportunity, explore and find the good in the locations you visit.
• Share your grief and comfort to those who are going through the same thing. Be someone they can come to and lean on. I know that you felt lonely a lot of the time and continue to feel that way, but let those people know that you are there for them. Use the pain you felt and the experience to help others going through the same thing. God can use this for His glory!
• Continue to share and blog. It's a good release for you and something you say might help them. You never know unless you try. And even if all this is are words that only you see, may it be something that heals you and helps you grow as a person.
• Hug/love babies - just because yours is in heaven, doesn't mean there aren't babies you know or babies that will be coming that you can't shower with love. You have a lot of love to give, and everyone needs love. Remember those babies are special too.
• And keep on trying - you believe that God will still provide and bless you with a child, so keep trying. Anything is possible with God - so never let that go!

Keep faith alive and remember that you are still standing...

The tears still come...

The tears still come
just at the mere thought of you
and I find myself feeling as I did
wanting to curse the world
wanting to hide in a hole

How do I go from being happy
to wanting nothing to do with the world
in what seems like seconds
Why must I bear this hurt,
this pain that won't go away

It is easier to not think about you
live in denial
because if I allow myself to think
I remember that day I knew you were there
and then I remember the day you weren't

It's almost been a year
and our world has been flipped upside down
We know someday we will see you
we know someday we can hold you and hug you
but that someday isn't now

I've always been impatient
never liking to wait
but when our day came
I thought the waiting was over

And trust me when I say
that even though we long to hold
and love another child here on this earth
you will never be replaced
our love for you will never be erased

You are and will always be our first
and if we ever get to hold a child in our arms
and call them our son or daughter
you will always be their sibling
you will always be their angel in heaven too

And I know I don't know much about heaven
or what you are doing
but there are days I hold on to that bear
that helped me through the nights of endless crying
and I imagine you

I wonder if you have blonde hair
or if you will have freckles like me
will you be tall, will you have blue eyes
do you like to sing, do you love to dance

What's it like to be in heaven
or see all the angels
what is the laugh of Jesus like
and have you seen his nail-scarred hands

Did He ever talk about your daddy and me
and how much we have loved you
that even though we didn't know about you for very long
our love was pure and unconditional

Will you be there at the pearly gates
waiting for us to arrive
will I know it is you and hug you instantly
or will Jesus give you to me

I am better,
But I have fallen apart numerous times
To say that you ever get over a loss
is just a foolish thing to think

Because yes, my sweet one
the tears still come
and they come in an instant
but at least I know where you are
and no tears are found there

February 15th

This week...Friday, February 15th to be exact, marks the day that we likely would have expected our first child into the world. I am writing this ahead of time as we are going away this weekend for a Valentines Weekend. I don't want to write all of these words right before we go away, and turn off all phones, Facebook, etc. I wanted to write this when I could allow myself to cry, scream, or fall apart (and amazingly, I haven't done a lot of those). But February 15, 2013 is the day we should be having our sweet Gabriel.

So the very thought of this is incredibly disheartening. I was supposed to be going through all the labor pains and then experiencing a joy like I have never felt. Our little boy or girl being born to us and staying in our arms and hearts for the rest of our lives. We should be looking forward to a bizillion pictures, never sleeping again, having baby stuff all over our home, waking up for feedings every couple of hours, feeling a closeness with my child as they look up at me or grasp my finger. I should be crying about everything and just turning to mush when I see our baby in Todd's arms.This little onesie should be filled with my baby's little feet, tiny toes, sweet belly, sweet arms.

But now, my arms are still empty. My heart still longs for our precious Gabriel. I know that our baby is in heaven with God, and we don't have to worry about him or her being sad or hurting. And even though my heart has been healing, it won't fully be the same.



I have changed this blog several times in the past couple of days because I didn't know how to express my feelings. My feelings are inexpressible. But yesterday, when we were at church, the Lord reminded me through our pastor, that everything God has given us, or ever will give us, is His. Why this hit me like a ton of bricks, I don't know. Except that maybe I needed that reminder. Psalm 24:1-6

"The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it on the seas and established it on the waters. Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god. They will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God their Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, God of Jacob."

So if everything is God's - that means my marriage, my job, my income, my home, my family, and sweet Gabriel...all God's. Gabriel was God's to begin with...always was. I felt like Gabriel was mine finally, and I held him or her too tightly. Remember the story of Abraham, and how God asked him to sacrifice his only son (that he waited and waited and waited for), and with unwavering faith, Abraham was obedient. He almost did it, and then because God saw his faithfulness, He provided another solution. And honestly, maybe that was His plan all along...to see if Abraham was more devoted to God than anyone or anything else. I look at that story, and I say "Lord, there is no way I would have done that. No way!" And while I don't believe God took Gabriel from us because we weren't devoted to Him, I do believe I am learning something incredible. Would I give up my whole life, my family, my friends, my work, my dreams, etc. all for God? Would I? I would love to say yes, but I know that isn't true. I think God has shown me He wants complete devotion and complete trust. Even if that means, you don't get your dreams. Even if that means you have to give back what you longed for. He gave me a dream come true back in November of 2008 when I married my love. And how much of that time of worrying over having a baby, did I lose when I stopped appreciating what I do have? And at any moment, any of us can go. As my pastor has said numerous times, "we need to hold loosely in our hands what we have because it is all God's anyway." And if it is God's, then anything I have is on loan. He can ask for any of that back whenever He wants. But He also expects that I take good care of what I have been given. And even if He takes as that song says "You give and take away...my heart will truly say, Lord Blessed be your Name," will I still be standing with Him? Am I more devoted to God than anything or anyone else? When the chips fall, will I curse God (like Job's wife wanted him to do), or will I be faithful (like Job)? 

Gabriel is God's child, and there could never be a better caregiver than the Lord! I still miss him or her and wish we were together, but there is comfort in knowing that Gabriel is in perfect hands. We are doing better...Todd and I are doing much better than we were just 9 months ago. But, this month is only a reminder of what we are missing out on. So pray for us. And pray that our time away this weekend is special and everything we need. And please pray for our future. Please join us in prayer for this journey. We continue to go through fertility treatments and continue to hope and try. The Lord will provide at His will and His timing, but the journey can still be really difficult. So please pray for comfort and peace and the strength and wisdom we need through it.

And if you are grumbling because you are going through the aches and pains of pregnancy, say a prayer of thanks because there are many, many women (and I have met them) who would do anything to have those aches and pains.

And Lord willing, there will be a day that I can share on here and on Facebook that we are expecting again! In fact, the Lord has told us through others that it will happen, but again, I think I need to hold loosely that dream. I need to be more devoted to God than I am the dream of having a child here on this earth with us. So pray for us and don't forget about us. Just because we may not mention it, doesn't mean we aren't feeling it. We covet your prayers, and we are thankful for your friendship and love.

Our promise from God!