Dear Self....You are Still Standing

Dear Self,

Life doesn't seem fair, does it? You have seen many women who seem to have it all. And when you think of what it means "having it all," you really mean they have the one thing you want!
You get riled up and hurt when you see women on the news who get a baby when they are horrible and abusive.You get sad when you see your friends, family members, and coworkers get pregnant because you know at this time right now, you would have a 4 month old.

You have said words to others that you can't take back all because of your grief. And when you thought that the people you love would be there, you see that life is pretty lonely now. You have lost friends over the last couple of years, you have lost family and feel betrayed by their treatment.
You seem to think that you are even entitled to have a baby because of all that pain.

You noticed early on how people forget about your grief, and make talk like everything is hunkydory. You noticed that life goes on for everyone else, while you just want to curl up in a ball sometimes.

You love and adore your husband, and have enjoyed your talks and walks together lately. He makes you smile, he makes you feel secure...but mostly, he's just there. But even despite your love for him, you need to admit that you are really scared and really sad about the prospect of never ever having those kiddos you dreamed of. You have names for kids "Caleb Michael" and "Alexandria Grace."  The most perfect names for your kids that aren't even conceived yet...a combination of love between your husband and you! However, you have one child that is that combination of love...that is in heaven right now living and laughing. You have one child that has the image of you and Todd. You have one child in heaven that has never and will never know the pain of this life. He or she gets to sit on the lap of Jesus anytime, and talk with people that you have only read about. Remember that Sarah...remember Gabriel is okay. He or she is more than okay. And also remember - you are okay. You are making it, day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. You are a survivor. And when everyone is smiling about whatever is going on in life, you smile too because  you want to survive each day. And also know that someday...someday you will see that sweet Gabriel. You have dreamt of that precious baby many times, but you will see him or her and you will someday be able to say that he or she was a boy or girl. You will get to laugh and hold him or her, and you will walk together on the streets of gold.  You have someone there waiting for your arrival - so you keep holding on!

Life is hard, but you are becoming strong in the process. Remember when you couldn't even bear talking in front of others, and now while you don't like it too much, you know you can do it. You became strong...and even if no one mentions Gabriel's name, you mention it. You keep that small memory alive. Because honestly - you and Todd know the truth. You keep standing and you keep living. That's the best thing you can do for anyone...including Gabriel.

And I think it would be good to have a list of things to do/remember to keep yourself going - so here are some starters:

• Keep holding onto Jesus...He holds you when you cry and He laughs with you when you are happy. He gives you those rainbows and moments that make you smile because He loves you and wants to bless you. He knows you have hard times, and He knows you get sad. He understand that and wants you to just keep holding onto Him. He won't let go...not ever!
• Forgive yourself when you have bad days because bad days are going to happen.
• Love yourself even when others leave you...if they couldn't stay, that doesn't mean you are any less of a friend or a person. It just means they weren't the kind of friend or family that you want in your life anyway
• Show kindness to strangers and remember that we all have something we are going through. So if someone is rude, remember that maybe they have something on their mind that is causing the rudeness. That does happen.
• Fall madly in love with your husband each and every day! Remember all the reasons you married that man - he is your best friend and love of your life. He is the head of this home and someone you love and deeply respect. He makes you laugh and he really "gets" you. Apart from Jesus Himself, he knows you better than anyone. So continue to shower him with love, respect, and honor. He deserves it because he's been a rock to you when no one else was around. He deserves it because he is your husband and he would walk through fire for you.
• Do your best in work - you are loving this new JuMP program you helped start, and sometimes you wonder if you are doing a good job in this new role, but you are. You are growing and others see that in you. Also do your best as an engineer. Keep looking for those projects that inspire you and make you excited, but also, do your best as if you are doing it for the Lord. Because even if that means you are groundwater sampling, be a cheerful person even in that.
• Shower your family (blood or not) with love and grace - No, your family isn't perfect, but no family is. Remember that your family accepts you when you make mistakes, do the same for them. Show them that you would do anything you could for them and be the kind of daughter and sister that God called you to be. Show them respect and love...spend time with them every chance you get. Because we aren't guaranteed another minute, so use your time wisely and invest yourself in your family.
• Laugh and spend time with friends - take every moment you can to spend time with friends. Make new friends at church, make new friends at work, make new friends....but also appreciate the friendships that have stood through thick and thin with you. You know they will still be there when you are 40-50-60-70....but cherish those moments and never allow yourself to be "too busy" for them.
• Keep at your photography...even if it is something random. You enjoy learning new things, so look up new things you can do. Your photography is your hobby and something you take a lot of pride in. And just because it's not a sunny day, doesn't mean you can't find value in a photo. Take advantage of opportunities you are given to share your photography as well.
• Travel as much as you can...money can sometimes keep that from happening, but when you have the opportunity, explore and find the good in the locations you visit.
• Share your grief and comfort to those who are going through the same thing. Be someone they can come to and lean on. I know that you felt lonely a lot of the time and continue to feel that way, but let those people know that you are there for them. Use the pain you felt and the experience to help others going through the same thing. God can use this for His glory!
• Continue to share and blog. It's a good release for you and something you say might help them. You never know unless you try. And even if all this is are words that only you see, may it be something that heals you and helps you grow as a person.
• Hug/love babies - just because yours is in heaven, doesn't mean there aren't babies you know or babies that will be coming that you can't shower with love. You have a lot of love to give, and everyone needs love. Remember those babies are special too.
• And keep on trying - you believe that God will still provide and bless you with a child, so keep trying. Anything is possible with God - so never let that go!

Keep faith alive and remember that you are still standing...

The tears still come...

The tears still come
just at the mere thought of you
and I find myself feeling as I did
wanting to curse the world
wanting to hide in a hole

How do I go from being happy
to wanting nothing to do with the world
in what seems like seconds
Why must I bear this hurt,
this pain that won't go away

It is easier to not think about you
live in denial
because if I allow myself to think
I remember that day I knew you were there
and then I remember the day you weren't

It's almost been a year
and our world has been flipped upside down
We know someday we will see you
we know someday we can hold you and hug you
but that someday isn't now

I've always been impatient
never liking to wait
but when our day came
I thought the waiting was over

And trust me when I say
that even though we long to hold
and love another child here on this earth
you will never be replaced
our love for you will never be erased

You are and will always be our first
and if we ever get to hold a child in our arms
and call them our son or daughter
you will always be their sibling
you will always be their angel in heaven too

And I know I don't know much about heaven
or what you are doing
but there are days I hold on to that bear
that helped me through the nights of endless crying
and I imagine you

I wonder if you have blonde hair
or if you will have freckles like me
will you be tall, will you have blue eyes
do you like to sing, do you love to dance

What's it like to be in heaven
or see all the angels
what is the laugh of Jesus like
and have you seen his nail-scarred hands

Did He ever talk about your daddy and me
and how much we have loved you
that even though we didn't know about you for very long
our love was pure and unconditional

Will you be there at the pearly gates
waiting for us to arrive
will I know it is you and hug you instantly
or will Jesus give you to me

I am better,
But I have fallen apart numerous times
To say that you ever get over a loss
is just a foolish thing to think

Because yes, my sweet one
the tears still come
and they come in an instant
but at least I know where you are
and no tears are found there

February 15th

This week...Friday, February 15th to be exact, marks the day that we likely would have expected our first child into the world. I am writing this ahead of time as we are going away this weekend for a Valentines Weekend. I don't want to write all of these words right before we go away, and turn off all phones, Facebook, etc. I wanted to write this when I could allow myself to cry, scream, or fall apart (and amazingly, I haven't done a lot of those). But February 15, 2013 is the day we should be having our sweet Gabriel.

So the very thought of this is incredibly disheartening. I was supposed to be going through all the labor pains and then experiencing a joy like I have never felt. Our little boy or girl being born to us and staying in our arms and hearts for the rest of our lives. We should be looking forward to a bizillion pictures, never sleeping again, having baby stuff all over our home, waking up for feedings every couple of hours, feeling a closeness with my child as they look up at me or grasp my finger. I should be crying about everything and just turning to mush when I see our baby in Todd's arms.This little onesie should be filled with my baby's little feet, tiny toes, sweet belly, sweet arms.

But now, my arms are still empty. My heart still longs for our precious Gabriel. I know that our baby is in heaven with God, and we don't have to worry about him or her being sad or hurting. And even though my heart has been healing, it won't fully be the same.



I have changed this blog several times in the past couple of days because I didn't know how to express my feelings. My feelings are inexpressible. But yesterday, when we were at church, the Lord reminded me through our pastor, that everything God has given us, or ever will give us, is His. Why this hit me like a ton of bricks, I don't know. Except that maybe I needed that reminder. Psalm 24:1-6

"The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it on the seas and established it on the waters. Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god. They will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God their Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, God of Jacob."

So if everything is God's - that means my marriage, my job, my income, my home, my family, and sweet Gabriel...all God's. Gabriel was God's to begin with...always was. I felt like Gabriel was mine finally, and I held him or her too tightly. Remember the story of Abraham, and how God asked him to sacrifice his only son (that he waited and waited and waited for), and with unwavering faith, Abraham was obedient. He almost did it, and then because God saw his faithfulness, He provided another solution. And honestly, maybe that was His plan all along...to see if Abraham was more devoted to God than anyone or anything else. I look at that story, and I say "Lord, there is no way I would have done that. No way!" And while I don't believe God took Gabriel from us because we weren't devoted to Him, I do believe I am learning something incredible. Would I give up my whole life, my family, my friends, my work, my dreams, etc. all for God? Would I? I would love to say yes, but I know that isn't true. I think God has shown me He wants complete devotion and complete trust. Even if that means, you don't get your dreams. Even if that means you have to give back what you longed for. He gave me a dream come true back in November of 2008 when I married my love. And how much of that time of worrying over having a baby, did I lose when I stopped appreciating what I do have? And at any moment, any of us can go. As my pastor has said numerous times, "we need to hold loosely in our hands what we have because it is all God's anyway." And if it is God's, then anything I have is on loan. He can ask for any of that back whenever He wants. But He also expects that I take good care of what I have been given. And even if He takes as that song says "You give and take away...my heart will truly say, Lord Blessed be your Name," will I still be standing with Him? Am I more devoted to God than anything or anyone else? When the chips fall, will I curse God (like Job's wife wanted him to do), or will I be faithful (like Job)? 

Gabriel is God's child, and there could never be a better caregiver than the Lord! I still miss him or her and wish we were together, but there is comfort in knowing that Gabriel is in perfect hands. We are doing better...Todd and I are doing much better than we were just 9 months ago. But, this month is only a reminder of what we are missing out on. So pray for us. And pray that our time away this weekend is special and everything we need. And please pray for our future. Please join us in prayer for this journey. We continue to go through fertility treatments and continue to hope and try. The Lord will provide at His will and His timing, but the journey can still be really difficult. So please pray for comfort and peace and the strength and wisdom we need through it.

And if you are grumbling because you are going through the aches and pains of pregnancy, say a prayer of thanks because there are many, many women (and I have met them) who would do anything to have those aches and pains.

And Lord willing, there will be a day that I can share on here and on Facebook that we are expecting again! In fact, the Lord has told us through others that it will happen, but again, I think I need to hold loosely that dream. I need to be more devoted to God than I am the dream of having a child here on this earth with us. So pray for us and don't forget about us. Just because we may not mention it, doesn't mean we aren't feeling it. We covet your prayers, and we are thankful for your friendship and love.

Our promise from God!

2013 - A Year of Promise

Well since I've been sick and I needed something else to do other than watch more TV (it really gets dull when you are sick), I thought I would write my end-of year-blog. It's been quite a year for the Taber Family. In 2012, we have had some amazing highs and some amazing lows!

Todd and I said we won't be ecstatic about a new year as we were ecstatic about 2011 leaving, and then 2012 was so much harder. So instead, I would like to say I believe 2013 will be a year of promise. I just have my faith, that's all. I don't really have much behind it except my God-given facts (history from His Word, and His history in my life), but I do believe in my God. And whether things go the way we hope or not, I still leave it in God's hands. Nothing I desire has ever been in my hands...just God's. So I relinquish it. I will do my best to listen to God and obey Him this year, and yes I will fail, but I will also succeed too. I just know God is the One who knows my tomorrows. He knows the why's, the who's, the what's, the when's....etc.

I have learned so much about myself this year too. Wow, am I ever a weak person. People told me in sweet emails and letters that I was strong, but that had to have been God "fooling them" because I am far from strong. I tremble and I worry and I don't always have that faith as small as mustard seed. I wish that I did. But all the wishing in the world won't make it happen. I think for years I used to think the thoughts "when bad stuff happens, I will make it, and we will get through it." When you have been handed something in your life that tests you spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally - ALL in one year, you learn that you really don't know how you get through it...you just handle it one day, one minute at a time. I think faith is something way beyond yourself...it's not something you can "just do," I believe its something you learn and practice and practice and practice. I also believe that God loves us all so much that He can handle a little push from us or shove or yell...because He knows that life is hard. And unless you altogether leave Him entirely, I think you can still be stronger in the end and even grow closer to God.

And when I think of all the stuff (bad, evil stuff) that happened this year to others, I tend to stop wallowing in self pity. Because I think if I had gone through what they have/are going through, I would give up entirely. I don't know that I am that strong. But when I think of all the families that lost people this year because of tragedy, it just breaks my heart to pieces. And you don't get over that kind of pain...I know from my own experience this year. Maybe my experiences this year has taught me how to be more prayerful and compassionate. I always thought of myself as a compassionate person...but I think maybe now, maybe now there is a part of me that can understand what some other people are feeling. Maybe someday, someone is going to need me to be there for them because of a painful time they are going through, and God will use what I had experienced as a way to show them the love of Jesus. Maybe God will take what was horrific to me, and He will turn it into something He can use to bless another person!

But something I also hear people say time and time again during tragedies is "It's horrible, but everything happens for a reason." Christians have the worst timing when they say that stuff. UGH...I hate that line. Seriously...if you read this blog, never say that line again to another person who is hurting. It's NOT going to help them! Do I believe that God wanted those people in that theater in Colorado to be shot, or those sweet, innocent children to be shot, or many others who were killed in other countries, or for horrific tragedy caused by hurricanes, or even my Gabriel and others were meant to be lost in miscarriage or stillborn? NO! That I can say emphatically!

Why does God allow these evil things to happen? All I can say is that we live in a fallen world. A world filled with sin, evil, hatred, greed, sadness, pain, etc. We live in a world that suffers and experiences joy. We live in a world that prospers and a world that fails. We live in a world of good and evil. And I do NOT believe that God wanted the evil that happened this year - to happen. I don't believe He wanted that. But I do believe that His grace, and His love are sooo amazing...that He can use the things that were meant for evil...for harm...for sadness....He can use all of those things in some way for good. How? I don't know how. But I do know that when bad things happen, people in general, pray for one another, lean on each other, and come together. It's actually an amazing thing to watch. There is evil, but there is still good out there too.

I watched this year as people came together to pray for those who suffered a loss or injury during the shooting in Aurora, CO. I watched people pray and pray and pray and mourn as they came together with their arms of love for the people who lost a child or loved one in Connecticut. I watched people who went through the horrible tragedy of Hurricane Sandy, come together and help each other out. Money was being poured in by many people around the country to help those people. Even locally...I saw how even my own office came together to show compassion and love to my supervisor and his family as they have had a horrible time with their daughter (who was born 2.5-3 months early and her lungs were not fully developed), and they went for over a year and half without her being at home with them. But our office showed compassion to them through it all. And personally....this year was hell for me and Todd. I found who my real friends and family were, and we drew so much strength from your prayers and love! Words that were sent to show compassion were appreciated, but mostly I felt the prayers. I didn't feel alone always. I felt like people were lifting us up. And so many other stories....so yes, there has been hellish things that happened. And there is evil - but God does amazing things to turn what was meant for evil, and make good things happen. God doesn't cause the evil - He can't. He is a perfect and Holy God. He will not cause evil!

So Yes...there is still good! And in 2012, our family had a lot of joys too! My sweet sister and her fiance were engaged this year, and I am totally psyched about their wedding next year! :)

I went to several weddings this year for friends, and it was a joy to be a part of their special day! Todd and I did conceive Gabriel, so the fertility treatments do work, which is also a praise God (even if our little one didn't get to stay with us). There was heartbreak in there (and still is), but God is making us even stronger now!

We had a couple of wonderful trips (trip to Wisconsin and our 4th Wedding Anniversary trip). We also moved to a new place and bought our very first BIG item together (our new bedroom furniture).

At my friend Michelle's wedding - our trip to Wisconsin

 Wisconsin Dells

Our new bedroom in our new place (love it!)

Our 4th Wedding Anniversary - State of Ohio;

had a couples massage and a traveling chef come to our cabin (shown below).

The cabin we rented for our 4th Wedding Anniversary

Beautiful lake and a lovely sunrise in Hocking Hills for our 4th Wedding Anniversary

I really enjoyed cooking this year (thanks to Pinterest)! It was a lot of fun finding fun, new recipes and really getting into all the preparation, and then seeing Todd's face! I think he is just as much of a fan of Pinterest as I am because I make him some good meals! ;) I always wanted to be one of those wives that could cook really well, and do all those domesticated thing. In fact, I am working on a project for our bedroom. We needed mats to cover our nightstands, and so I am currently working on making some. I have also loved getting fun craft and home ideas from Pinterest. Seriously...I am an addict ;)

 Mexican stuffed shells - a family favorite. I made these for my husband, and he totally begs for them again! He loves them! Thank you Pinterest!



I found this recipe (on Pinterest) on making chocolate covered

strawberries that are red, white and blue (for 4th of July)

I grew closer to my husband this year...I can't explain it. We had bad times...oh did we ever....but man....I have never loved this man more in all my years of knowing him. He truly is a gift from God to me. He makes every single day wonderful to be his wife. I remember when others would tease me about how much I would "make them sick" on facebook after we first got married with all my lovey dovey stuff. ;) Well...what can I say now. It's been 4+ years of marriage, and we have gone through ups and downs and even hellish moments. We have seen a lot just in 4+ years, and I know we have a LONG way to go before we can even compare with other people. I also know that God can and will be there to help us along the way. But just the love that my husband has for me....it's inspiring really. He has the kind of love for me like Christ has for the church. He shows me so much love, grace, and mercy every day, and he is tender and forgiving and truly loving. I know I have a great man! I know it! I am an okay person, but my husband, he's better! He's the kind of man every girl dreams of when they are growing up. So if that makes you wanna gag, so be it. I am proud of my husband, Todd Taber, and I love him so very much!

I also grew closer to my family this year (parents, sis, and Wes), and I am very thankful for them. We had a very special Thanksgiving together (all six of us), and it was something for the memory books! We were in Virginia and had our own personalized historical tour of downtown Portsmouth, VA. Learned a lot! We also had the chance to visit Williamsburg, VA and had our Thanksgiving meal there! Here's a picture of all of us together! :)

I had a good year for my career as well. I learned a lot and I am doing a lot of awesome things to help improve my office/company and also grow in my career. :)

I truly did grow up a lot this year...I see things differently than I did. I love differently than I did. I care more about people than I did. And instead of wishing away 2012 or saying things like 2013 will be BETTER and I can't wait for 2013...I'm not going to do that. I think I am just going to take each day at a time, but also believe that God is going to do some amazing things in 2013! I will call 2013 a year of promise because I believe it is a year of promise. It just might not be all that I envision...but maybe it will be what He envisions for us. So enjoy the last few moments in 2012, and get ready for a new year! Much love and may God Bless all of you in the upcoming new year of 2013!

So What Can I Be Thankful For?

So what can I be thankful for this year? When people say they are blessed, does that mean we are only blessed when we get the things we wanted? Does that mean God hasn't blessed you if you don't get the dream you were praying for? If children are a blessing from God, and mine was taken, does that mean that I had my blessing taken away?  I have thought about these questions for the past week or so. This year was even worse than 2011 (and I thought it was rough). It is very easy to throw myself a pity party, and it would be very easy to stay in bed and hope that the next year is better.

This year has comprised of more car repairs, losing friendships and family that I never wanted to lose, dealing with crazy neighbors at our old apartment, crazy work schedules, and the list goes on...and all of that never compared to the loss of our precious miracle, Gabriel. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him/her. For the entire month of July I was a mess...heck, I was a mess well into August and September. I didn't know how to function, and it was truly ONLY God that helped me get through that pit of despair. I had sweet letters from people at my church, email messages from several friends, some support from family and friends...but in the end...no one could heal this pain. I went for months thinking that God had it out for me. That He took my blessing away because of something I did.

When it had only been one month since I lost Gabriel, I had people expecting me to get "over it." But how do you get over a pain like that? How do you get over a loss in a month? As someone who has never lost anyone that I was really really close to, I didn't know how to deal with the hurt/sadness. I spent a lot of time being angry at God. I never stopped talking to Him, but He heard it ALL from me. And when something bad happened at work or we had to have another car repair, or I heard more about problems in the world, I would get ticked and look up to the heavens and say "Seriously?! What is your deal?"

I had people worried that I was going to walk away from God or tell me that I shouldn't get mad at God. I had people pretend they cared, and I had people who I didn't even know express their sorrow for me. But in the end - God and I still talked. I was allowed to be upset and I was allowed to have my tantrum/anger/etc because in reality - God knew I needed to use that to grieve. He knew I wasn't leaving Him. He knew that I knew I needed Him. And I had/have no intention of ever walking away. But the people who kept saying "don't question God" or "don't get mad at Him" didn't understand that if I hadn't let it all out, I would have turned into a recluse. I might not even have a job now if I did those very things they said because I had to be real with Him. See - Jesus is my Savior and I love Him more than my very life. He saved me a long time ago from the perils of sin. I know someday that I get to spend eternity with Him, and I have no doubt about it. He saved me. But just like any friendship/relationship - you tend to lash out at the people you love the most. And if I hadn't questioned what happened and if I hadn't yelled at Him, maybe I wouldn't be as healthy as I am now. I am not diminishing who God is when I say this...believe me, I have apologized for taking it all out on Him and for treating Him like a punching bag. But I truly believe He understood and He knew my heart. He's an amazing and BIG GOD! He can and He did handle it.

I gotta say - the biggest thing I am thankful for this year - is my God! Because when everyone was telling me to get over it, to move forward, to do this or that...He held me. I am thankful for my God because He didn't even need me to ask for comfort. He provided me comfort. He provided me His arms to cry in. He allowed me to be who I am. And He knew that it was going to be hard to go back to church and even back into His Word. He knew that I would need peace and help, and He provided it when I didn't expect it. He provided a verse to me back in January as a promise....

Early January, I received this email (you can think it is random or you can believe like me, that this was from God): "Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son." Genesis 18:14, NLT

And then two weeks after my dear Gabriel went to heaven, Mama Jo (our dear family friend) gave me the gift below and said that she saw these penguins and thought of me. She also believed she heard the Holy Spirit tell her "This is a promise for Todd and Sarah."

I get goosebumps at that very thought. Maybe you think this is all coincidence, but I don't. I believe God gave me a verse to hold onto through the hardest and darkest time in my life. I believe He spoke through a woman that I love dearly to keep my hope of having children. I believe my kids have a set time that God will bring them into the world. I believe that God hasn't forgotten me, and I believe He will answer. Maybe it won't be as I expect...but instead of wallowing in pity and sadness, I need to keep the hope. And if the Lord never gives us these children, that doesn't change the fact, that He is still God. It doesn't change the fact that God is Holy and knows what is best.

I have hope still...and I didn't believe I could have hope again. I thought that all my hopes were thrown away. Do I know the why? No. But, if there is any comfort...I know God is there. Maybe God has used this horrible event in my life to help me see how much I do need Him. And I do. And I see now how much I do love Him. I hurt still, and I am not perfect at how I handle things...no, I still get envious, I still feel sadness, and I still throw tantrums. But, I know I am closer to God than ever before. I know that I don't have to "play Christian" with Him. I know that I can be real. I know that He holds me and won't let go. I know that if I leave Him, it was because of me. I know that when I return, He will still be there. I know that God saved me from all the sins I ever committed and ever will commit. I know that when bad stuff happens that this isn't all there is in life. I know that I have heaven to look forward to. I know that when I die, I get to see His face, I get to see all of the people who have died before me, I get to hold my sweet Gabriel in my arms and hug him/her for the first time. So much to look forward to! So yeah - this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for God. It's not a generic thankfulness for Him. It took a lot of pain, sadness, and renewal to get this kind of thankfulness.

Another thought - So, are we blessed because we get what we want? I don't think so. I think when people think they are blessed only when they get what they want, they miss the point. I think blessings from God come in all shapes and sizes and are not limited to our view on the blessing. I still feel like I am blessed (though it has taken some time to get there) even if I don't have my Gabriel here. I believe God is taking the heartache and molding me into a woman He will/is using. I believe God is blessing me in many ways...even without children. So if you a person that wants something, but God hasn't given you that "thing," "person," etc yet, don't think you are not being blessed by God. Maybe His blessing on you is that you don't have that right now...maybe His blessing is right in the moment you are in. Maybe He is using you where you are for some greater purpose. So if you have everything you ever wanted, then yes - be thankful!

But if you are still waiting for something, don't sit down and grumble. Get up - and let God use you where you are at! Then when/if God brings you that goal/dream/etc - think of how much more you will appreciate it or how much more victorious that day will feel! :) Some people get everything handed to them, but in my 32 years of life, I have found that the people who have worked harder/struggled and attained some dream/goal even in the midst of hard times, those people have such a greater appreciation for their life, their families, and that goal they worked so hard for.

So until that day - Sarah Marie Taber is believing in God...believing in hope...and thankful for where I am at this moment.

God has blessed me with the most amazing husband ever!! We have only gotten closer these past 4 years of marriage (and 17 years being the best of friends), and I am incredibly thankful for him!

                 

He blessed me (likely in late May/early June 2012) with our little Gabriel, who is in heaven right now. And someday, Todd and I get to see that sweet child and hold him/her in our arms! Gosh, I can't wait!

He blessed me with two very special, loving, and incredible parents! (This was taken at our wedding). I so love them and they will never ever know how much they mean to me! They taught me so much in this life, and even if I hated to admit it, they were right most of the time ;) But I do love them so much!
                                                        

           He blessed me with an incredible sister, almost 24 years ago! I am thankful for her each day! She is also a pride and joy of my heart! We have only gotten closer, and she is also my best friend! And that dear man sitting next her is my soon-to-be brother! They complement each other so very well, and I couldn't be prouder to have him as my brother! They got engaged this year, and I am so glad they will be starting their own life together real soon!

God has also blessed me with friends. I have made some new friends this year, and I have a few close ones from high school and college. Thank you for being there, thank you for your prayers, and thank you for your love. You were there when I needed you the most!

So as rough as this year has been (and it has), I have MUCH to be thankful for. But none of this - NONE of this could have been without my God! And I am more and more thankful for the love of God each day!

So this Thanksgiving, hold tight to your families....hold tight to hope....hold tight to God!! Because nothing else matters!

Tribute to Gabriel

I already posted on facebook, but here is my tribute to Gabriel.

Gabriel Tribute

I wish....

To my friends and family - I wish....


1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn’t mean [Gabriel] doesn’t deserve your recognition.


2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried,  you didn’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.


3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven’t forgotten [Gabriel] and that you do care and understand.


4. I wish you wouldn’t think that I don’t want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about [Gabriel].


5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.


6. I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it’s not all like that.


7. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.


8. I wish you wouldn’t judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.


9. I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m “over it” or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no “normal” way for me to act.


10. I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn’t mean I’m contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.


11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.


12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasnt’t really a baby and that [Gabriel] was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. My baby was real person – and [Gabriel] was alive.


13. My babies due date [February 15, 2013], Mothers Day, celebration times, the day I lost [Gabriel] are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.


14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “”normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.


15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace [Gabriel]. Babies aren’t interchangeable.


16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.


17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one. [I noticed after it had been 2 weeks since it happened, everyone avoided talking to me. Yeah I know, life goes on, but just because life has gone on, doesn't mean that I am "all better." A simple note of encouragement would let me know I am not forgotten.]


18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.


19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying. [And it still hurts, even if that were true!]


20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?


-Author Unknown