The day our newest blessing came into our lives…

By this title – yes that’s true. We are pregnant!! J I’m still in shock!

I had “felt” pregnant as early as late August; however, the first test I took was negative. Well – still thinking I was, I waited until Friday, September 6^th. And much to my dismay, it was negative. I was so disappointed. For years now, we have been trying, and we had one (possibly two) miscarriage in there that just rocked our world. Most people were aware of that difficult time, as I found a voice and shared some of my deepest hurts.

But, for the past few months, I have been on a lifestyle change (for the good)! I was walking and doing exercises every day, I was eating SOOOO much better for me, and I felt good. In fact, in 7 weeks’ time, I lost 10 lbs! I was so proud of myself. I thought that maybe this just meant God wanted me to get healthier, and so I just kept on going. I was disappointed for a couple of days, and I still didn’t understand why I didn’t have my cycle (but not overly confused because I do have a history of crazy cycles). But no matter, I still kept going. It was September 13^th, when I decided to take one last test because I was like “Well, I need to know for sure so I can get ready to take some meds that “kick start” my cycle again.” So that morning I took a test, and at first I thought I only saw one pink line (like before), and I took another minute, and looked and to my shock and surprise – there were two pink lines! TWO!!!! No way – could this be? I can’t be pregnant! Really, God?!! And then I just started laughing! I was in complete shock! And then I kept saying to myself, “I knew I was pregnant, and I let a test make me depressed!” And there was lots of thank you’s to God at that moment too! J

I could have told my husband in a very romantic way or some crazy surprise, but as I learned the first two times I had positive tests in the past, I didn’t want to wait to do anything. I just wanted to tell him then. I didn’t know how long I would get to be excited about this little one because of my history. So as my husband woke up, I said…”Well sweetie, looks like I won’t be having champagne for my birthday dinner after all.” And I smiled really big! He got my hint – and we hugged instantly! And on that following Monday (September 16^th), the Dr’s confirmed it! So what a FANTASTIC birthday present!!

Side bar – we had been trying with fertility drugs for well over a year and a half, and those drugs can really take a toll on a woman. They made me feel awful and I just didn’t like them. Plus – you can only take it so many times before your body just doesn’t do what is intended with those drugs. So after April 2013, we were off any drugs for like 3 months! So that’s what made this extra special. This wasn’t science (which I have nothing bad to say about that because God made science, and I will never condemn science), this was all God!! Not only do I have PCOS (which makes it SUPER hard to conceive), we also stopped fertility drugs. So I didn’t expect it to happen. But so incredibly thankful it did!

So after a week has passed and I was getting blood taken by the vampires (a.k.a the medical lab technicians) like every few days to test my hormone levels, I finally told my family! I gave my parents a onesie that says “I love my Grandma and Grandpa!” and we also told Jen and Wes on Skype! So much joy! I never had joy with pregnancy before. I only had fear and dread and sadness. I only ever got to call my mom to tell her that I was miscarrying. So of course, I had some fear still, wondering if my hormone levels were doing as they should. The ultrasound technician also said they didn’t see much on the ultrasound and expected based on my last cycle that I should be 7 weeks. But, I was measuring 4 weeks with my gestational sac, and that could either mean I was just MUCH earlier than they thought or I was losing this one as well. Well, I knew in my heart they had to be wrong by assuming 7 weeks. I knew that because again – this girl has never been normal, and so to compare me like the normal females out there was just plain stupid. And then the hormone level results came back – YES they were doubling as they were supposed to!

And Thursday, September 26^th – they wanted me to come back in for another ultrasound. They had told me they didn’t expect to see a heartbeat, but there on the screen, was the beautiful fluttering of our baby! Our baby’s heartbeat! Words cannot express how I felt that day. I had never felt joy like this…there was our baby! They even told me that normally you can’t see a heartbeat until 5 weeks 5 days, and that just so happened to be what I was measuring at. And it made me just speechless. I thought about how maybe that heart just started beating that morning, and it made me think about the verse “You knit me together in my mother’s womb…” and tears just filled my eyes. This baby already has some great purpose because God knows each of us so intimately, and He knew me and you well before our parents even knew us. And here was our baby – He knows this baby too! He has a divine purpose for this little one, and more tears in my eyes! Wow! Never have I visited the OBGYN and felt like I had been at church! All in that moment – God whispered to me “Sarah, enjoy the moment. Enjoy it!” And I did! I texted Todd that I got to see our baby’s heartbeat and he told me that when he saw that, he teared up. He was just as overwhelmed. I came home from work and he was just so incredibly giddy and all smiles. We went out to celebrate our baby’s heartbeat! J And since we found out, I have fallen so much more in love with my husband, but it’s because of the way he is already being daddy to this little one. I don’t want to share all of our intimate details because some of those are just for us. But, wow…just wow! I am still in awe!

So now I am 7 weeks 1 day as I am writing this, and I am still in just amazement. We pray every single day over this child, and we intend on doing that throughout the pregnancy too. And there is so much more I could share, but I will save it or just keep it in my heart. But – again – no words can ever express my gratitude to God. I know He is the Author and Giver of life! And He gave us this beautiful baby (I know right now, he or she looks like a little blob, but that’s our baby)!

I know that some people are probably surprised and are “holding their breath” because I announced my pregnancy not at the 13 week mark, but at 7 weeks. I know just as much as anyone that anything can happen and your life can change in an instant! I know – I get it. But Todd and I have committed to faith in God through this instead of allowing fear to rule our hearts. My flesh says “panic” and “worry.” But my God says to leave it in His Hands and trust that He has everything in control. In fact, in 2 Timothy 1:7, it says “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” And let me tell you, I’ve been praying that every single day since I found out. We know that God has this baby in His arms and we know God is in control.

So will you please join us in praying for this little life as we continue on through the weeks and months until May 24, 2014 (our due date)?! We believe firmly in the power of prayer, and I ask for your continued prayers over this child as well. Thank you already for those prayers (and you didn’t even know what you were praying for)! We have an amazing family of support that encompass our family by blood and our family by love! We couldn’t be where we are without God of course, but also without your support and love.

Stay tuned for more of Baby Taber’s journey in the upcoming months! J

Exercise is Building My Marriage and My Confidence

So I was really disappointed in photos of me from my sister's wedding, even though I had been working out and trying to eat healthier at least two months prior to the wedding. But then I saw those photos, and I admit - I was just sad. It broke my heart to see what I allowed myself to become. Not to give excuses though - but PCOS and fertility drugs haven't helped matters either. I know that some of the weight gain has been related to my PCOS and fertility drugs I have been on. But, a lot of it, and I mean a lot of it, has been due to my depression and just all around feeling bad about myself.

 You see, since I can remember, I have always had a low self-esteem. I never felt like I was very pretty, and I never saw others viewing me as being pretty. Maybe they did, but I just never felt like I was going to be the "pretty" one. It's not a good attitude to have by any means, but that's how I have felt. I was teased a lot in school and called all sorts of names. Even as a kid, I was called "cow" or "hog," but when I look at the photos of me back then, I don't think I was fat by any means. And yes - that kind of stuff happened to everyone. But, I think whenever we moved to a new place, I had to find some way to feel accepted. And when I was made fun of, it didn't help matters. So instead of having my confidence built up, most of the time, I heard those things and just assumed it was true.

I never thought a boy would ever think I was pretty. I remember thinking that as a young pre-teen and teenager. And then when we moved to Ohio, I remember praying that maybe God would allow some boy to think I was pretty. Even then - I didn't see my value the way that God sees me. I saw it through what others saw about me. But God brought Todd Taber in my life, and that boy showed me that I had a lot more going on than just my physical appearance. He told me I was beautiful, but he always tried to build me up and show me the things about me that were more beautful, and that was my heart. Being in cross country also gave me confidence - I was in prime shape, but I still saw myself as this fat girl, even when I was the skinniest I've ever been. I look at the photos of me from back then, and I am in awe that I even had those opinions about myself. I looked nice, and yet I couldn't see it even then.

I think I got to a point after trying various diets, that I got tired of doing it. I got tired of trying to "feel pretty." I knew from God's Word that a person's worth is more than their appearance, and while I still would work out and would try different diets, I found myself liking who I was, more than how I looked. I think that's how it should be for sure. When I was close to God, I found myself liking myself more. When I lived in New Jersey, it was just me out there. So I had no choice, but find a way to like myself and do things for me. When I moved back to Ohio, and Todd and I started dating again, he was always encouraging me and making me feel good about myself then too. When we got married, I knew my husband loved me for who I was, and no matter what I looked like. Maybe I let that get out of control, I don't know. But when I found out that I had PCOS, I thought really bad things about me. Like maybe I did this to myself. Or maybe I am not worth enough to have a child. And then when we lost our baby in July 2012, depression set in. I lost a lot of confidence. I saw myself as ugly again, I saw myself as obviously an "unfit" mother because I couldn't even keep my own child alive (All wrong things to think - I know this now). I even struggled with thoughts that I don't dare share on here and no one even knows, except God and Todd. But to sum up - I was in bad shape.

And though Todd never stopped loving me or never stopped telling me I was beautiful, I didn't listen to him anymore. I didn't listen to God's opinion. No one. I lost all that confidence, and I found myself just sinking lower and lower. Food was comfort, and there were many times the words that came to my mouth to Todd after work (many days) were "Honey, I had a bad day. Can we go get something..." And that something was never anything of health or value. And after I was done eating it, I still felt bad, and a little worse because I knew it wasn't good for me.

When I knew Jen's wedding was coming up, I really didn't want to look bad in pictures. I started to work toward losing some weight and doing a little bit of exercise each week about 2 months prior. Then Todd thought it would be fun if we went walking every night or most nights together, and that it would be a good way to exercise and spend quality time together. I loved it. I loved that he looked forward to our walks together too. And we had decided in early June to also NOT eat out every week and stop spending money on fast food, restaurant food, etc and cook more at home. The past 3 months have been great. We cook dinner together (or if I am cooking, he will also clean up dishes), we go on walks together, and I really think all around, our communications with each other has gotten better. It's true what they say - when you start getting disciplined in one area of your life, then the other areas start to do the same! I found myself having more energy, wanting to exercise, craving healthier meals, and also looking forward to feeling and looking better. I also found that our marriage was really getting spark back into it, and that I wanted to spend more time with God.

I read something recently that was on Pinterest - it was this inpirational pin that said "If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it." And I think a lightbulb went off again and I was starting to see me as God sees me. If God thinks I am beautiful, maybe I should start living that way. He never stopped loving me...not once. He gave me a husband that continues to tell me I am beautiful through all the good and bad times. He has given me strength and the desire to keep going as well. And as much as I appreciate others rooting me on, what I appreciate most is that 1.) My God doesn't look at me and see the "fat cow" I've been calling myself lately - no instead He sees me. He sees me as His beautiful princess and loves me more than anyone could ever love me. And yes He wants me healthy too, but He knows I need to hear more that He adores me and loves me right where I am. 2.) I appreciate that my husband has NEVER given any innuendo that I was ugly or gaining weight or anything of the sort. He knows my self esteem has been low, and instead, he only built me up. I do believe that Todd saw I wanted to change things, and he came up with the idea to not only exercise together, but spend quality time together too.

I love that I am starting to notice a difference in how I look too. I am seeing the differences, and I am feeling better. I know my self esteem will only get better as I continue on this journey, and I hope that getting healthier will also lead to another child that I can actually go to term with and raise. I so want to be a mommy of a child here on this earth. I so want it, and I think I want it more now than I did 3 years ago. So getting healthy will only help. But, I also want this more for me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to see me as God sees me. I want to grow closer to my husband and see me how he sees me too.

So my self-esteem is quite fragile, but I am leaning more on Jesus to help me with it, and He keeps whispering to me He loves me and gives me the strength I need to keep going.

Speaking of exercise...I think it's time to get going on that for the day! :)

Mountain Retreat, Holding On To Promises, and Celebrations (Summer 2013)

So much has happened in the past month...I went to Colorado again June 29th through July 1st (mostly for work), but I had the best retreat and time with God that weekend in the mountains. And "it just so happened" that this trip to Colorado fell upon the one year anniversary of my Gabriel's passing to heaven. I was really worried about how I was going to get through it, and then the trip fell on that weekend. As my Mom has said, she thinks this was one of those examples of God "winking" at me. He gave me this beautiful time being where I am truly happy - the mountains of Colorado. It wasn't even perfect weather, but somehow, I just felt like God had His Loving Arms around me the whole time. I visited the Garden of the Gods, and I went to a scenic view to see Pikes Peak and Colorado. My hotel was facing the mountains, so I had such a gorgeous view, and thankfully because of hotel points, I stayed there for free! I truly believe the trip was designed by God for me...He knew I needed that time with Him. I felt his presence and it was just wonderful. In fact, one of the photos I captured, really looks like hands...and I just viewed it as God's Hands!

Garden of the Gods

Garden of the Gods and Pikes Peak in the Background

Pikes Peak - So beautiful!!

Taken from my hotel bed - this was my view as the sun was setting

Can you see the Hands?! So believe those were God's Hands!

 

I still miss Gabriel, that's for sure. And when I came back, Todd and I took the day (July 2nd) off because we felt it was important to take the time as a remembrance. You probably think I am crazy because I miss my baby that I never got to meet. You probably think I have no clue what it means to be a mom, but if you think those things, you obviously have no idea what it means to lose a child. No I didn't know what my baby's face looked like, and no I never got to hold Gabriel - but there was love and dreams for that child. We had been dreaming of that child for so long, and there was so many hopes and dreams, and then to lose that dream in an instant. Very humbling and very difficult. We will never be the same, so if you expect that, it won't happen. This has changed me and my life is different. I do see how we are to hold loosely those things or people in our life we hold dear because we aren't guaranteed even our next breath. So if nothing else, this year, I learned how to appreciate every moment with your loved ones, enjoy every opportunity given, and also trust in God in a way I have never done or known. I still feel lost sometimes, and sometimes I fall back, but God is my strength and I can and will be strong. And I know that God's promises are true and that someday, Todd and I will be a mommy and daddy of a baby here on earth. The Lord's ways our not our ways, and I trust Him with that.

But July was also a month of preparation for my sister's wedding! We had our last girly night together with her being unmarried, and we talked about the upcoming wedding, went shopping, went to a baseball game (Dayton Dragons), and we watched a girly movie too!

And then it was rehearsal day - lots of reunions with her friends, the rehearsal, and rehearsal dinner. We went to Olive Garden for our rehearsal dinner, and it was such a bonding time. Wes gave my Dad a check for 24 million (fake big check) because my Dad was always saying how marrying Jennifer wasn't free and that he wanted to get paid. Haha! And then Wes brought out this big check...great moment!

 

We stayed up so late the night before finishing up some decorations and talking...just the bridesmaids, bride, and Mom and Dad! It was memorable!

Then comes wedding day - the day finally came! The church is absolutely beautiful and is located at St. Clare's Convent - Very ornate and beautiful. The reception was at the Centennial Barn, and it was very beautiful too. My feet hurt like crazy - the things you do for pretty shoes! But I won't remember all the pain from the shoes - I will remember the way Jen looked as she came down the aisle with my Dad, and the look on Wes' face! It was priceless. Their giddiness was so cute, and that's how it should be! It was beautiful seeing their first kiss as husband and wife, and it was wonderful being around loved ones that mean the world to us. We had some people not show, but in the end, those who really mattered, those who really cared - they were there! And now Jen and Wes are on their honeymoon in Utah. So looking forward to seeing them before they head back to Virginia. :)

Walking down the aisle...love this photo!

All of the bridal party :)

You may now kiss your bride, Wes! :)

Bubbles!!! :)

 

Giving my toast :) I was so nervous!

Haha!! Jen got him good! :) And that is the cake Mom made in the background!

 

Dancing their first dance as husband and wife! :)

 

Dancing with my prince :)

 

 

Best wishes to the newlyweds - my sister, Jen and my new brother Wes! I love you both so very much!

Dear Self....You are Still Standing

Dear Self,

Life doesn't seem fair, does it? You have seen many women who seem to have it all. And when you think of what it means "having it all," you really mean they have the one thing you want!
You get riled up and hurt when you see women on the news who get a baby when they are horrible and abusive.You get sad when you see your friends, family members, and coworkers get pregnant because you know at this time right now, you would have a 4 month old.

You have said words to others that you can't take back all because of your grief. And when you thought that the people you love would be there, you see that life is pretty lonely now. You have lost friends over the last couple of years, you have lost family and feel betrayed by their treatment.
You seem to think that you are even entitled to have a baby because of all that pain.

You noticed early on how people forget about your grief, and make talk like everything is hunkydory. You noticed that life goes on for everyone else, while you just want to curl up in a ball sometimes.

You love and adore your husband, and have enjoyed your talks and walks together lately. He makes you smile, he makes you feel secure...but mostly, he's just there. But even despite your love for him, you need to admit that you are really scared and really sad about the prospect of never ever having those kiddos you dreamed of. You have names for kids "Caleb Michael" and "Alexandria Grace."  The most perfect names for your kids that aren't even conceived yet...a combination of love between your husband and you! However, you have one child that is that combination of love...that is in heaven right now living and laughing. You have one child that has the image of you and Todd. You have one child in heaven that has never and will never know the pain of this life. He or she gets to sit on the lap of Jesus anytime, and talk with people that you have only read about. Remember that Sarah...remember Gabriel is okay. He or she is more than okay. And also remember - you are okay. You are making it, day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. You are a survivor. And when everyone is smiling about whatever is going on in life, you smile too because  you want to survive each day. And also know that someday...someday you will see that sweet Gabriel. You have dreamt of that precious baby many times, but you will see him or her and you will someday be able to say that he or she was a boy or girl. You will get to laugh and hold him or her, and you will walk together on the streets of gold.  You have someone there waiting for your arrival - so you keep holding on!

Life is hard, but you are becoming strong in the process. Remember when you couldn't even bear talking in front of others, and now while you don't like it too much, you know you can do it. You became strong...and even if no one mentions Gabriel's name, you mention it. You keep that small memory alive. Because honestly - you and Todd know the truth. You keep standing and you keep living. That's the best thing you can do for anyone...including Gabriel.

And I think it would be good to have a list of things to do/remember to keep yourself going - so here are some starters:

• Keep holding onto Jesus...He holds you when you cry and He laughs with you when you are happy. He gives you those rainbows and moments that make you smile because He loves you and wants to bless you. He knows you have hard times, and He knows you get sad. He understand that and wants you to just keep holding onto Him. He won't let go...not ever!
• Forgive yourself when you have bad days because bad days are going to happen.
• Love yourself even when others leave you...if they couldn't stay, that doesn't mean you are any less of a friend or a person. It just means they weren't the kind of friend or family that you want in your life anyway
• Show kindness to strangers and remember that we all have something we are going through. So if someone is rude, remember that maybe they have something on their mind that is causing the rudeness. That does happen.
• Fall madly in love with your husband each and every day! Remember all the reasons you married that man - he is your best friend and love of your life. He is the head of this home and someone you love and deeply respect. He makes you laugh and he really "gets" you. Apart from Jesus Himself, he knows you better than anyone. So continue to shower him with love, respect, and honor. He deserves it because he's been a rock to you when no one else was around. He deserves it because he is your husband and he would walk through fire for you.
• Do your best in work - you are loving this new JuMP program you helped start, and sometimes you wonder if you are doing a good job in this new role, but you are. You are growing and others see that in you. Also do your best as an engineer. Keep looking for those projects that inspire you and make you excited, but also, do your best as if you are doing it for the Lord. Because even if that means you are groundwater sampling, be a cheerful person even in that.
• Shower your family (blood or not) with love and grace - No, your family isn't perfect, but no family is. Remember that your family accepts you when you make mistakes, do the same for them. Show them that you would do anything you could for them and be the kind of daughter and sister that God called you to be. Show them respect and love...spend time with them every chance you get. Because we aren't guaranteed another minute, so use your time wisely and invest yourself in your family.
• Laugh and spend time with friends - take every moment you can to spend time with friends. Make new friends at church, make new friends at work, make new friends....but also appreciate the friendships that have stood through thick and thin with you. You know they will still be there when you are 40-50-60-70....but cherish those moments and never allow yourself to be "too busy" for them.
• Keep at your photography...even if it is something random. You enjoy learning new things, so look up new things you can do. Your photography is your hobby and something you take a lot of pride in. And just because it's not a sunny day, doesn't mean you can't find value in a photo. Take advantage of opportunities you are given to share your photography as well.
• Travel as much as you can...money can sometimes keep that from happening, but when you have the opportunity, explore and find the good in the locations you visit.
• Share your grief and comfort to those who are going through the same thing. Be someone they can come to and lean on. I know that you felt lonely a lot of the time and continue to feel that way, but let those people know that you are there for them. Use the pain you felt and the experience to help others going through the same thing. God can use this for His glory!
• Continue to share and blog. It's a good release for you and something you say might help them. You never know unless you try. And even if all this is are words that only you see, may it be something that heals you and helps you grow as a person.
• Hug/love babies - just because yours is in heaven, doesn't mean there aren't babies you know or babies that will be coming that you can't shower with love. You have a lot of love to give, and everyone needs love. Remember those babies are special too.
• And keep on trying - you believe that God will still provide and bless you with a child, so keep trying. Anything is possible with God - so never let that go!

Keep faith alive and remember that you are still standing...

The tears still come...

The tears still come
just at the mere thought of you
and I find myself feeling as I did
wanting to curse the world
wanting to hide in a hole

How do I go from being happy
to wanting nothing to do with the world
in what seems like seconds
Why must I bear this hurt,
this pain that won't go away

It is easier to not think about you
live in denial
because if I allow myself to think
I remember that day I knew you were there
and then I remember the day you weren't

It's almost been a year
and our world has been flipped upside down
We know someday we will see you
we know someday we can hold you and hug you
but that someday isn't now

I've always been impatient
never liking to wait
but when our day came
I thought the waiting was over

And trust me when I say
that even though we long to hold
and love another child here on this earth
you will never be replaced
our love for you will never be erased

You are and will always be our first
and if we ever get to hold a child in our arms
and call them our son or daughter
you will always be their sibling
you will always be their angel in heaven too

And I know I don't know much about heaven
or what you are doing
but there are days I hold on to that bear
that helped me through the nights of endless crying
and I imagine you

I wonder if you have blonde hair
or if you will have freckles like me
will you be tall, will you have blue eyes
do you like to sing, do you love to dance

What's it like to be in heaven
or see all the angels
what is the laugh of Jesus like
and have you seen his nail-scarred hands

Did He ever talk about your daddy and me
and how much we have loved you
that even though we didn't know about you for very long
our love was pure and unconditional

Will you be there at the pearly gates
waiting for us to arrive
will I know it is you and hug you instantly
or will Jesus give you to me

I am better,
But I have fallen apart numerous times
To say that you ever get over a loss
is just a foolish thing to think

Because yes, my sweet one
the tears still come
and they come in an instant
but at least I know where you are
and no tears are found there

February 15th

This week...Friday, February 15th to be exact, marks the day that we likely would have expected our first child into the world. I am writing this ahead of time as we are going away this weekend for a Valentines Weekend. I don't want to write all of these words right before we go away, and turn off all phones, Facebook, etc. I wanted to write this when I could allow myself to cry, scream, or fall apart (and amazingly, I haven't done a lot of those). But February 15, 2013 is the day we should be having our sweet Gabriel.

So the very thought of this is incredibly disheartening. I was supposed to be going through all the labor pains and then experiencing a joy like I have never felt. Our little boy or girl being born to us and staying in our arms and hearts for the rest of our lives. We should be looking forward to a bizillion pictures, never sleeping again, having baby stuff all over our home, waking up for feedings every couple of hours, feeling a closeness with my child as they look up at me or grasp my finger. I should be crying about everything and just turning to mush when I see our baby in Todd's arms.This little onesie should be filled with my baby's little feet, tiny toes, sweet belly, sweet arms.

But now, my arms are still empty. My heart still longs for our precious Gabriel. I know that our baby is in heaven with God, and we don't have to worry about him or her being sad or hurting. And even though my heart has been healing, it won't fully be the same.



I have changed this blog several times in the past couple of days because I didn't know how to express my feelings. My feelings are inexpressible. But yesterday, when we were at church, the Lord reminded me through our pastor, that everything God has given us, or ever will give us, is His. Why this hit me like a ton of bricks, I don't know. Except that maybe I needed that reminder. Psalm 24:1-6

"The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it on the seas and established it on the waters. Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god. They will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God their Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, God of Jacob."

So if everything is God's - that means my marriage, my job, my income, my home, my family, and sweet Gabriel...all God's. Gabriel was God's to begin with...always was. I felt like Gabriel was mine finally, and I held him or her too tightly. Remember the story of Abraham, and how God asked him to sacrifice his only son (that he waited and waited and waited for), and with unwavering faith, Abraham was obedient. He almost did it, and then because God saw his faithfulness, He provided another solution. And honestly, maybe that was His plan all along...to see if Abraham was more devoted to God than anyone or anything else. I look at that story, and I say "Lord, there is no way I would have done that. No way!" And while I don't believe God took Gabriel from us because we weren't devoted to Him, I do believe I am learning something incredible. Would I give up my whole life, my family, my friends, my work, my dreams, etc. all for God? Would I? I would love to say yes, but I know that isn't true. I think God has shown me He wants complete devotion and complete trust. Even if that means, you don't get your dreams. Even if that means you have to give back what you longed for. He gave me a dream come true back in November of 2008 when I married my love. And how much of that time of worrying over having a baby, did I lose when I stopped appreciating what I do have? And at any moment, any of us can go. As my pastor has said numerous times, "we need to hold loosely in our hands what we have because it is all God's anyway." And if it is God's, then anything I have is on loan. He can ask for any of that back whenever He wants. But He also expects that I take good care of what I have been given. And even if He takes as that song says "You give and take away...my heart will truly say, Lord Blessed be your Name," will I still be standing with Him? Am I more devoted to God than anything or anyone else? When the chips fall, will I curse God (like Job's wife wanted him to do), or will I be faithful (like Job)? 

Gabriel is God's child, and there could never be a better caregiver than the Lord! I still miss him or her and wish we were together, but there is comfort in knowing that Gabriel is in perfect hands. We are doing better...Todd and I are doing much better than we were just 9 months ago. But, this month is only a reminder of what we are missing out on. So pray for us. And pray that our time away this weekend is special and everything we need. And please pray for our future. Please join us in prayer for this journey. We continue to go through fertility treatments and continue to hope and try. The Lord will provide at His will and His timing, but the journey can still be really difficult. So please pray for comfort and peace and the strength and wisdom we need through it.

And if you are grumbling because you are going through the aches and pains of pregnancy, say a prayer of thanks because there are many, many women (and I have met them) who would do anything to have those aches and pains.

And Lord willing, there will be a day that I can share on here and on Facebook that we are expecting again! In fact, the Lord has told us through others that it will happen, but again, I think I need to hold loosely that dream. I need to be more devoted to God than I am the dream of having a child here on this earth with us. So pray for us and don't forget about us. Just because we may not mention it, doesn't mean we aren't feeling it. We covet your prayers, and we are thankful for your friendship and love.

Our promise from God!

2013 - A Year of Promise

Well since I've been sick and I needed something else to do other than watch more TV (it really gets dull when you are sick), I thought I would write my end-of year-blog. It's been quite a year for the Taber Family. In 2012, we have had some amazing highs and some amazing lows!

Todd and I said we won't be ecstatic about a new year as we were ecstatic about 2011 leaving, and then 2012 was so much harder. So instead, I would like to say I believe 2013 will be a year of promise. I just have my faith, that's all. I don't really have much behind it except my God-given facts (history from His Word, and His history in my life), but I do believe in my God. And whether things go the way we hope or not, I still leave it in God's hands. Nothing I desire has ever been in my hands...just God's. So I relinquish it. I will do my best to listen to God and obey Him this year, and yes I will fail, but I will also succeed too. I just know God is the One who knows my tomorrows. He knows the why's, the who's, the what's, the when's....etc.

I have learned so much about myself this year too. Wow, am I ever a weak person. People told me in sweet emails and letters that I was strong, but that had to have been God "fooling them" because I am far from strong. I tremble and I worry and I don't always have that faith as small as mustard seed. I wish that I did. But all the wishing in the world won't make it happen. I think for years I used to think the thoughts "when bad stuff happens, I will make it, and we will get through it." When you have been handed something in your life that tests you spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally - ALL in one year, you learn that you really don't know how you get through it...you just handle it one day, one minute at a time. I think faith is something way beyond yourself...it's not something you can "just do," I believe its something you learn and practice and practice and practice. I also believe that God loves us all so much that He can handle a little push from us or shove or yell...because He knows that life is hard. And unless you altogether leave Him entirely, I think you can still be stronger in the end and even grow closer to God.

And when I think of all the stuff (bad, evil stuff) that happened this year to others, I tend to stop wallowing in self pity. Because I think if I had gone through what they have/are going through, I would give up entirely. I don't know that I am that strong. But when I think of all the families that lost people this year because of tragedy, it just breaks my heart to pieces. And you don't get over that kind of pain...I know from my own experience this year. Maybe my experiences this year has taught me how to be more prayerful and compassionate. I always thought of myself as a compassionate person...but I think maybe now, maybe now there is a part of me that can understand what some other people are feeling. Maybe someday, someone is going to need me to be there for them because of a painful time they are going through, and God will use what I had experienced as a way to show them the love of Jesus. Maybe God will take what was horrific to me, and He will turn it into something He can use to bless another person!

But something I also hear people say time and time again during tragedies is "It's horrible, but everything happens for a reason." Christians have the worst timing when they say that stuff. UGH...I hate that line. Seriously...if you read this blog, never say that line again to another person who is hurting. It's NOT going to help them! Do I believe that God wanted those people in that theater in Colorado to be shot, or those sweet, innocent children to be shot, or many others who were killed in other countries, or for horrific tragedy caused by hurricanes, or even my Gabriel and others were meant to be lost in miscarriage or stillborn? NO! That I can say emphatically!

Why does God allow these evil things to happen? All I can say is that we live in a fallen world. A world filled with sin, evil, hatred, greed, sadness, pain, etc. We live in a world that suffers and experiences joy. We live in a world that prospers and a world that fails. We live in a world of good and evil. And I do NOT believe that God wanted the evil that happened this year - to happen. I don't believe He wanted that. But I do believe that His grace, and His love are sooo amazing...that He can use the things that were meant for evil...for harm...for sadness....He can use all of those things in some way for good. How? I don't know how. But I do know that when bad things happen, people in general, pray for one another, lean on each other, and come together. It's actually an amazing thing to watch. There is evil, but there is still good out there too.

I watched this year as people came together to pray for those who suffered a loss or injury during the shooting in Aurora, CO. I watched people pray and pray and pray and mourn as they came together with their arms of love for the people who lost a child or loved one in Connecticut. I watched people who went through the horrible tragedy of Hurricane Sandy, come together and help each other out. Money was being poured in by many people around the country to help those people. Even locally...I saw how even my own office came together to show compassion and love to my supervisor and his family as they have had a horrible time with their daughter (who was born 2.5-3 months early and her lungs were not fully developed), and they went for over a year and half without her being at home with them. But our office showed compassion to them through it all. And personally....this year was hell for me and Todd. I found who my real friends and family were, and we drew so much strength from your prayers and love! Words that were sent to show compassion were appreciated, but mostly I felt the prayers. I didn't feel alone always. I felt like people were lifting us up. And so many other stories....so yes, there has been hellish things that happened. And there is evil - but God does amazing things to turn what was meant for evil, and make good things happen. God doesn't cause the evil - He can't. He is a perfect and Holy God. He will not cause evil!

So Yes...there is still good! And in 2012, our family had a lot of joys too! My sweet sister and her fiance were engaged this year, and I am totally psyched about their wedding next year! :)

I went to several weddings this year for friends, and it was a joy to be a part of their special day! Todd and I did conceive Gabriel, so the fertility treatments do work, which is also a praise God (even if our little one didn't get to stay with us). There was heartbreak in there (and still is), but God is making us even stronger now!

We had a couple of wonderful trips (trip to Wisconsin and our 4th Wedding Anniversary trip). We also moved to a new place and bought our very first BIG item together (our new bedroom furniture).

At my friend Michelle's wedding - our trip to Wisconsin

 Wisconsin Dells

Our new bedroom in our new place (love it!)

Our 4th Wedding Anniversary - State of Ohio;

had a couples massage and a traveling chef come to our cabin (shown below).

The cabin we rented for our 4th Wedding Anniversary

Beautiful lake and a lovely sunrise in Hocking Hills for our 4th Wedding Anniversary

I really enjoyed cooking this year (thanks to Pinterest)! It was a lot of fun finding fun, new recipes and really getting into all the preparation, and then seeing Todd's face! I think he is just as much of a fan of Pinterest as I am because I make him some good meals! ;) I always wanted to be one of those wives that could cook really well, and do all those domesticated thing. In fact, I am working on a project for our bedroom. We needed mats to cover our nightstands, and so I am currently working on making some. I have also loved getting fun craft and home ideas from Pinterest. Seriously...I am an addict ;)

 Mexican stuffed shells - a family favorite. I made these for my husband, and he totally begs for them again! He loves them! Thank you Pinterest!



I found this recipe (on Pinterest) on making chocolate covered

strawberries that are red, white and blue (for 4th of July)

I grew closer to my husband this year...I can't explain it. We had bad times...oh did we ever....but man....I have never loved this man more in all my years of knowing him. He truly is a gift from God to me. He makes every single day wonderful to be his wife. I remember when others would tease me about how much I would "make them sick" on facebook after we first got married with all my lovey dovey stuff. ;) Well...what can I say now. It's been 4+ years of marriage, and we have gone through ups and downs and even hellish moments. We have seen a lot just in 4+ years, and I know we have a LONG way to go before we can even compare with other people. I also know that God can and will be there to help us along the way. But just the love that my husband has for me....it's inspiring really. He has the kind of love for me like Christ has for the church. He shows me so much love, grace, and mercy every day, and he is tender and forgiving and truly loving. I know I have a great man! I know it! I am an okay person, but my husband, he's better! He's the kind of man every girl dreams of when they are growing up. So if that makes you wanna gag, so be it. I am proud of my husband, Todd Taber, and I love him so very much!

I also grew closer to my family this year (parents, sis, and Wes), and I am very thankful for them. We had a very special Thanksgiving together (all six of us), and it was something for the memory books! We were in Virginia and had our own personalized historical tour of downtown Portsmouth, VA. Learned a lot! We also had the chance to visit Williamsburg, VA and had our Thanksgiving meal there! Here's a picture of all of us together! :)

I had a good year for my career as well. I learned a lot and I am doing a lot of awesome things to help improve my office/company and also grow in my career. :)

I truly did grow up a lot this year...I see things differently than I did. I love differently than I did. I care more about people than I did. And instead of wishing away 2012 or saying things like 2013 will be BETTER and I can't wait for 2013...I'm not going to do that. I think I am just going to take each day at a time, but also believe that God is going to do some amazing things in 2013! I will call 2013 a year of promise because I believe it is a year of promise. It just might not be all that I envision...but maybe it will be what He envisions for us. So enjoy the last few moments in 2012, and get ready for a new year! Much love and may God Bless all of you in the upcoming new year of 2013!